Recently I have read several articles in my newsfeed in which women explain how hard it is for them to fill the roles of “mom” and “friend” simultaneously. While I understand the challenges recognized in these posts, I also found myself feeling uncomfortable with what seemed like yet another post telling women it is okay to let everything in your life fall to the wayside to motherhood. I don’t think this is the case, I have much more faith in each of us that we can do better.
My friends and I are now in various stages of our adult life. Some have children of their own, some newlyweds, some moving across the country for fresh starts. Often this makes it feel difficult to maintain these relationships, but here are 5 things I think are important when trying to be both a good friend and a good mom.
- Pick up the phone. In those newborn days you get some slack, feel free not to answer anyone’s calls. Your friend’s role at this time is to reach out to see what you need. Once those first weeks slip by, even if you are tired, even if you forget for a couple hours, return the phone calls and texts within a few hours at least. Communication is an essential part of friendship, and there are many moments in the day for a quick “hi, I’m still here, how are you?” exchange.
- Don’t cancel meetups. I know, I know. The baby is teething, she didn’t sleep last night, neither did you and the last thing you want to do it meet for brunch. You pick up the phone and start the “sorry, we aren’t going to make it today” text. STOP. Delete it and write this instead: “good morning! baby didn’t sleep, can you grab bagels and coffee and meet us at the park?” Change your plans to fit your needs, your friend will need to do the same one day. Unless your child is truly ill, try to adjust your plans so you can meet up. Chances are having a different set of hands to hold your kiddo while you drink some coffee and process the emotions that go along with the exhaustion will be better for you than staying home and prolonging your funk.
- Ask for what you now need. When you’re a mom, your needs and desires change. You may not want to do weekly happy hour because you are dying to get home to your child. Or maybe you stay home now and you desperately need someone to entertain the baby for 20 minutes so you can pee, shower, and change your clothes in peace. When you continue to maintain your friendships your people will be more than willing to try something new with you but often they don’t know what you need so it is up to you to ask for it.
- Put in effort on important days. If you are in a different stage of life than your friends, make an effort to reach out on their big days. Chances are your bestie stood beside you on your wedding day, came to the hospital when your kids were born, and has probably seen you at your best and your worst. Return that favor. If they are starting a new job or a new relationship ask them meaningful questions about that. Heck, even if they are a mom too chances are there is something going on besides child rearing so ask about work or relationships or reality tv.
- Meet new friends too. Meeting other mom friends is tricky. It is a lot like asking someone out when you were a teenager. It feels new, and a little exciting, and a lot terrifying. I tend to be shy when meeting new moms at the park or at parent meet-ups. However, I’ve found my way of asking her out is following up. Say we met at the park and realized we are both in the same Facebook group. Later that week I’ll send a short message to her saying how nice it was to run into her and often times the other person then makes the ask taking the pressure off me. Whatever your style is, if you are looking for new mom friends, make a it your goal to meet other moms, preferably someone in the same stay, someone with slightly older kids, and eventually someone with younger kids.
Bottom-line: we need our friends during this phase of life. If we allow ourselves to always have an excuse to back out of plans with our friends those relationships will fizzle. With just a little effort, even if you don’t feel like it, you can continue to maintain, grow, and create new friendships all while rocking the mom role as well.
