It’s not often I think about my age. Even when I do, I still don’t really FEEL it. I am 41. In my head I am still 21, playing house and mom. I just assumed when I got to my forties my life would feel… different. When my mother was my age she was a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a caregiver and a full time employee. My parents were the people who paid the bills, drove us around and enforced bedtimes. Back then it all seemed so grown up, which I equated with seriousness and responsibility. I have waited for that feeling of adultness with dread. However, despite my ever growing list of responsibilities; most of the time I haven’t felt very serious or very adult. So am I really a grown-up?
The last few months have me thinking I am. See, serious stuff has been happening and quietly, discreetly, that dreaded adultness has begun to envelope me. From the mundane (I have started referring to the millennial people in my office as “kids”) to the truly prolific life experiences: marriages ending, families in transition, aging and ill parents, illnesses of our own. It’s become very serious. None of these events were more jolting than the sudden death of my old school friend and one time roommate at 41. Though we haven’t seen each other in some time and hadn’t been close in much longer, it took my breath away. It broke my childhood spirit. It made me feel very much like an adult.
In one fell swoop, the sorrow for the loss and for her family, the realization of our aging, the brush with mortality, the adultness of it all made me feel so sad and nostalgic for so many things and people. It made me confused and afraid. It made me re-evaluate where I am and where I am going. It made me realize that I am half-way through this journey – if I am lucky – and so much is behind me. It made me feel old. So yes, I am finally an adult. I am an adult with seriousness and responsibility; with hard decisions and grown up problems; a crazy schedule and a hurried life. I pay the bills and taxi my kid and enforce the bedtime.
But…. perspective is two-way street and with some time and reflection on these recent events, I see now that adultness is not all or nothing. Along with the gravity of these situations and the weight of my duties; along with the sadness life brings and nostalgia for simpler days, I am also incredibly grateful and infinitely blessed. I AM still young and I’m fairly sure I’m still fun too!
So instead of letting the dreaded adultness envelopme, I choose to focus on the wonders this life has brought and vow to stay as immature and carefree as I can. I will focus only on the amazing people who have passed through my life; we have laughed and cried and been silly and weird together. I will be grateful for knowing the ones who are not in my life anymore. Everyone has taught me something. I choose to remember all the ridiculous fun I have had in these 41 years. I choose to be excited about the ridiculous fun that is yet to be had. I vow to continue to take weekends away with my husband; to watch Frozen on the floor in my living room wearing a crown with my daughter; to drink wine on a beach every chance I get; to giggle like school girls with my girlfriends at our monthly dinner and to occasionally blow off all my responsibilities and play hookie just for fun.
Adulting isn’t easy. It’s not for the faint of heart, but it doesn’t have to be all seriousness and responsibility. After all, if I’m lucky, I’m only halfway through this journey and there is a so much joy to be found!
