“Enjoy this time with them while they are young.” they say. “They’ll be grown before you know it.” they say. We’ve all heard this a time or two as mothers of young infants and toddlers. Quite frankly, there was a point where I was sick to death of hearing it. My first year of motherhood was the longest, tedious, most painful, emotional year of my entire life. I felt every day, every hour, every minute, every second and every moment of it. I suffered from severe postpartum depression and was very much incapable of embracing the newborn stage. Every time I heard “They’ll be grown in the blink of an eye…” I wanted to backhand the person saying it. It was such a dark time for me. There are things I said and did that I have no recollection of and things that I will never be able to tell anyone.
I wished those dark days and nights away. I longed for a time when my son (and soon after, my daughter) could communicate with me so I could cater to their needs – and get on with my life. I’d wish they were old enough to go to school so I could do the dishes or a load of laundry or even take a nap or shower in complete and utter peace. Just thinking of doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, however I wanted excited me. Sitting here thinking about how embarrassed I am for feeling this way brings me to tears. I have always wanted to be a mom – ever since I can remember. When you’re pregnant for the first time, you think of all the glorious times you {think} you’ll have in parenthood. Newsflash :: it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Motherhood hit me like a ton of bricks. When it wasn’t going exactly the way I planned – I wished the time would go by faster so I could get my life back to normal. This thought scared me – naturally – so I told my husband and he brought up an excellent point. He said: “Amber, this is our new normal.” He was right. Things would (and will now) never be the same as they once were.
Through all my hardships the first year of my son’s life, I’d like to think I came out of it as a better person all around. I learned so much about myself, about my son, and about my husband; things I never would have realized unless I’d struggled the way I did. All the while, I have always gone back to the thought of people saying to me “Enjoy this time with them while they are young.” and “They’ll be grown before you know it.” While I started embracing my new role a little more and was definitely enjoying motherhood and my son a lot more, there was still that part of me that wished the workload would get a little lighter. I wished they’d put themselves to bed. I wished they’d bathe themselves. I wish they’d pack their own lunches. I wish they’d…..the list goes on and on.
Fast forward to the last year or so. My son is now 5 and my daughter is 3. Things have started to happen. Things that I didn’t think would bother me. The things that I wished to happen. Things that now that I’ve wished them to happen – I am crushed to my core by. My son bathes himself. My daughter doesn’t want help getting dressed. On occasion they will retire to their bedrooms in the evening without our nightly bedtime ritual being needed. The other day my son got out of the car and waved to my husband and then ran off to stand in line with the other kids. My heart is breaking into a million pieces. I’m experiencing the very thing I wished to happen and it sucks. Even though they are not fully independent just yet, I can see that it’s not that far off. The next 15 years are going to fly by and there’s nothing I can do to stop them. I wished these years away. How could I?
However, while I feel a sense of shame inside – I refuse to let it consume me. Instead of living with regret, I will take these feelings and these new experiences we’re all going through and turn it into something positive. I will not wish away these years anymore. While I will not bask in each moment – especially the messy parts of motherhood – I will stop and allow myself to understand that – “They will be grown before I know it…” Those words of true wisdom will never be understood until you experience them.
So, from now on when I hear anyone tell me to cherish my kids while they’re little – I’m going to assure them I will. I’m going to listen. I’m going to be thankful that someone cared enough to pass on this little nugget of wisdom that has become more precious than gold to me. And you know what? I think I just might become one of those people who sees the young couple with the tiny baby fussing in the grocery store and stop and tell them they’ll be grown before they know it. They might not believe me now, but at least I can say I tried to warn them. I tried to help them understand – they won’t be little forever.
Here’s my first public service announcement to the new parents reading this: The newborn stage and even into toddlerhood has parts of it that will absolutely stink. It will have you wondering just what the heck you got yourself into and when the heck it will ever end. Do not fret. Do not wish these times away. They will be grown before you know it…
