I grew up with what I now know to be authoritarian parenting. It was a household of “Because I said so,” or “Don’t talk back,” often being used. Our parents definitely yelled at us and sometimes spanked us when we did something “bad.” But growing up in the ’80s and early ’90s, this was pretty common. And my parent’s approach wasn’t different than what I saw my friends experiencing, either.
However, I am a self-proclaimed “cycle-breaker.” What does that mean? It means I am not going to parent how I was parented–or, how my parents were parented. And while my parents don’t understand it, I am doing it differently.
Authoritarian parenting is described as rigid rules with no explanations–with the expectation of children following them without question, or face severe punishment. Unfortunately, this type of parenting can also come with adverse outcomes such as emotional behavior problems, aggression, depression, and anxiety.
Looking back at it now though, it seems harsh. I often think that our parents didn’t know what we do now, which very much is true. AND (not BUT, AND), it doesn’t make it right. For instance, I vowed if I ever had a child that I would NEVER spank them. Then I did have a child and spanking became an even harder NO for me. There are things that I take from my childhood that I vow not to repeat. I have taken the job “cycle-breaker” very seriously. Here is what I am doing differently.
Absolutely NO Spanking
I was spanked as a child which was obviously unpleasant. Additionally, I don’t know what “lessons” it taught me. To be afraid of my parents? Yes. To learn from my “bad behavior”? Probably not.
As I became an adult and started educating myself more on parenting, I became astutely aware of the negative impacts that physical behavior towards children can have long term. According to a Harvard study, they found that preschool and school-age children who were spanked are more likely to develop anxiety and depression disorders and have more difficulty with regulation skills.
Also, after having a child of my own, I cannot imagine actually spanking her. I look at children and see their innocance. I know that the prefrontal cortex of the brain is responsible for controlling behavior and impulses, focusing attention, and understanding consequences of actions. This part of your brain takes 25 years to form! So those temper tantrums children have aren’t because they are “bad kids,” it’s because they lack the skill to regulate their emotions. I cannot imagine spanking my child for something her brain cannot fully process yet!
I Won’t Say, “Don’t Talk Back”
What is “talking back” anyway? Now that I am a parent, I have had some realizations. Talking back was most of the time simply asking questions. My parents often used, “Because I said so,” with no explanation when we asked, “Why?” Kids aren’t asking these questions to challenge authority–they are asking simply because they actually don’t understand (thanks to that not-fully formed prefrontal cortex!).
My daughter asks me a million questions. Sometimes it’s really frustrating and annoying. A lot of times my answer is, “I don’t know.” I think her expectation of me to be a human Wikipedia is really too high! However, during “disciplinary” scenarios, I know she is asking questions to understand more–not to challenge or defy me.
I also feel like respect is mutual–even for our tiny humans. Why am I superior to her because I am older? Why do her questions and voice not matter? She should speak only when I tell her to? No thank you. The fact that she questions me doesn’t make her a “bad kid,” it makes her curious. I appreciate her trying to understand how the world works, including our rules. When I started thinking of it that way versus “talking back,” it really helped me understand her point of view better.
Stop Means STOP
I remember my mom tickling me as a child, and the memories are unpleasant. She used to pin my sister and I down to tickle us and there would be several instances of “stop” but we would be laughing. But just because we were laughing didn’t negate that we really meant “stop.”
That was something from a very early time in my daughter’s childhood that I took to heart. The SECOND she said “stop,” I stopped. And she would have to tell me to start tickling her again before I did. We have conversations all the time that it is HER body, and she gets to make decisions about it.
Not only that, but I want her to know that stop means stop–period. We talk about what to do if people don’t listen to our words about our bodies. While tickling can be fun and innocent, teaching your kids that their words matter at an early age hopefully will help set them up for adolescence when things become more serious than just a fun tickle.
Not Yelling Doesn’t Equal Being Soft
I hear my parents’ generation make comments about how, “kids are too soft today because they don’t get yelled at.” Instead of worrying about what they think, I use what I know. I know that yelling can have detrimental effects on a child like spanking. Yelling at children, for starters, usually doesn’t make them listen any better. And secondly, the long term effects on the children’s behavior isn’t worth it to me.
I try to remember that my child is not a small adult. She is indeed a child–with a totally different brain than me. Also, I think expecting children to listen on the first time is a high expectation. I don’t listen the first time all the time. Why should my child be expected to?
To get my child to listen, I need my child’s attention. And I mean FULL attention. If you are on your phone and someone is talking to you, do you hear everything they said? No. The same thing goes for if your child is coloring, playing a game, etc. So I ask for her eyes to meet mine, I get on her level, and I repeat what I said. I also will remind her that I have now asked x amount of times to do said task, and I would really like her to listen, please. Praise after they listen goes a long way in my house as well.
I would love to say I NEVER yell, but that is not true. I recently was super frustrated which resulted in yelling. Instantly I regretted it. My daughter stood there looking at me genuinely frightened and started crying. “Why would you yell at me like that?” she asked. I wanted to cry myself.
Immediately I got down to her level and gave her a big hug and apologized. I think it’s so important for our kids to see that grown-ups make mistakes too. I truly think what she is going to remember out of that incident is not that mom yelled at her, but that mom apologized for it. But if I can maintain my cool 95% of the time, I know I am doing okay.
I Will Never Say “Don’t Cry”
I grew up in the, “Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about” era. Guess what–now I don’t cry. Like as in I cannot cry when it comes to my own emotions. I will cry at a TV commercial but not when something serious happens in my life. It’s hard for me to release my emotions because I have spent most of my life suppressing them.
Refer back to the prefrontal cortex: children cannot control their crying because their brains are not fully developed. Whether my daughter is sad, hurt, upset, tired, or whatever she might be feeling, if tears are the way she wants to release–I let her. Crying actually releases oxytocin which can produce feelings of calmness, so by crying, children are actually self-soothing. And, by encouraging children to “feel their feelings,” you are creating a safe space for them.
I also don’t tell her to suppress her anger. Instead, I tell her it’s okay to be mad, but we can’t xyz (insert bad behavior here–hit people, be disrespectful, etc.). There are times I have smiled when she has gone into her own room and let out a big scream. I want to be like “same girl, same” in those instances. Creating a safe space for your child to process their emotions I think pays off in the long run. Maybe as an adult, they will actually be able to cry!
While I don’t necessarily fault my parents for raising me a certain way, I vow not to repeat it with my own child. I know my parents don’t understand it sometimes, and that’s okay. They don’t have to. I am the one raising my child–not them. And I vow to do it differently. I vow to be a cycle-breaker for my daughter’s emotional well-being.
