Toxic. The word is so descriptive and packs so much more power than saying someone is mean or even cruel. It has so much more depth than saying someone is bad or for my life. If you have ever had a toxic relationship, you know it’s more than just someone who is not so good for you. That relationship can permeates every fiber of your being; take over your life, get in your head and hurt your soul. The best thing you can when you find yourself in a toxic relationship is run. Of course, that is easier said than done.
The problem is, at first you don’t realize you are in one. By the time you do you may not know how to get out. The other problem is that people don’t always recognize a relationship as toxic. Could be that it’s not a romantic relationship be it a boyfriend/girlfriend or a spouse. Could be that you think of toxic as physical abuse. The truth is that a toxic relationship can be had with anyone; parent, sibling, co-worker or friend and emotional or verbal abuse can be just as scarring as physical. It may even be more difficult to see a relative as toxic than a friend or spouse because they have been there all your life, you have never known anything else with them.
I have had more than one toxic person in my life and as I have gotten older and wiser I have adapted an ability to feel the toxicity and end a relationship before it can start. However, it was in my own family that I couldn’t see its’ stranglehold. A toxic person ripped a whole in my family that may never heal. It sounds nonchalant when I read it there but it didn’t feel nonchalant. I just don’t know how to express the depth of the of it. It can only be felt by my sad and tattered heart. The hole remains but there comes a point when the hole is less painful than watching the toxicity or being a part of it. Letting go allowed me to step back from the situation and finally see it with honest eyes.
Instead of being angry and resentful, I feel strangely sorry for toxic people. How difficult it must be to go through life so full of hate and so clearly insecure that their only joy seems to come from tearing away at others. I imagine that is a lonely existence. As much as I feel sorry for them though, I refuse to allow it to surround my relationships. Toxicity kills the spirit; steals the joy and leaves you anxious and sad. Sometimes it is better to stop a relationship before it starts; sometimes you have to know when to quit.
If you are questioning whether you are in toxic relationship, whomever it may be, ask yourself a few questions: Do they lie? Do they play the victim? Do they make excuses? Are they often negative? Do they put themselves first – always? Are they arrogant and always right? How do you feel when you are with them?
If these are consistently yes, it is likely you are. Know that you don’t have to be. If you cannot leave the relationship then you can still do something to lessen the impact on you.
- Set limits and establish boundaries. Once you have reached that limit, distance yourself both emotionally and physically if necessary.
- Direct the conversation away from the negative. Change the topic or put it back on them to resolve. Focus on solutions.
- Pick your battles. Emotions can run high with a toxic person, depending on how strongly you feel, some things are just not worth it.
- Don’t let anyone steal your happy. Being aware of your feelings lets you recognize when someone else’s negativity is affecting you. Take back your happy.
- Seek advice. Unfortunately, toxic people will target you if they get the response they desire from you. Talk to others about what they see and gather ideas on what you can do to avoid being victim to the toxicity.
- Seek help. If you are comfortable enough in your relationship to help the toxic person seek counseling themselves do so. If you have hesitation then it is likely best to remove yourself from the situation.
Toxic people exist. They will come into and out of your world. Learning to recognize them, avoid them or deal with them is survival. It is not a failure to leave a toxic relationship. It is self-preservation.
**If you are in an abusive relationship and need help getting out please see this list of support contacts there to help you.
‘m not sure where to start. I do love my husband dearly. I am however beginning to become tired and resentful of certain behaviours.
Days will be spoiled because he will become upset by something bizarre such as me saying “the wrong thing”.
One day we’d been out for lunch, had a lovely time. On the way home I said something critical about his driving and he told me I had spoiled the whole day. There are many, many examples and they don’t usually involve me criticising him as I know he can’t accept any criticism.
I very recently, bravely brought up these incidents. He said he doesn’t remember them and sometimes is irritable. He also said he wouldn’t change.
I don’t have the energy to leave.