I’m Scared to Give Birth Again (But I’m Doing It Anyway)

It wasn’t until my son was a few months old that it occurred to me to use the word “traumatic” to describe labor and delivery.

“It was really difficult,” I used to say, or “It was much harder than I expected,” which I would quickly follow up with, “But thankfully it all ended well and we are both healthy.” Of course that part is true, but I felt like I was minimizing what we had gone through.

Hard barely begins to describe it. Labor was long and painful. There were complications during delivery, and I was terrified, for myself and mostly for my baby. In the weeks and months that followed, I felt compelled to talk about it to my husband and friends and other moms in my life. I cried over it, laughed about it, wrote about it, woke up in the middle of the night ruminating on it.

The thought of having more children one day loomed over my head. I had always wanted more than one child, and as someone who perpetually thinks a few steps (okay, many, many steps) ahead, I was almost constantly thinking, “How can I ever go through this again?” When I was present and focused on that perfect baby boy in my arms, I felt happy and at peace (and, you know, exhausted). But for a long time, I couldn’t begin to plan for another baby without a feeling of cold dread creeping up my spine.

Yeah. It was traumatic.

Yet here we are, a little over two years later, as I sit twenty weeks pregnant with our second child. I wish I could say that I’m in a completely different place. That the miracle of pregnancy has grounded me and given me some newfound feeling of zen. Occasionally I feel that, but to be honest, there are times when I’m still scared. I would be willing to do almost anything to avoid giving birth again . . . except not have another child.

I harbor no judgments about people raising only children. For a while after my son’s birth, it appealed to me. But I realized that I would be choosing that path out of fear, and I refused to let fear sway my decision. I want another baby.

So here is what I’m going to do for myself as Baby #2’s due date approaches: I’m going to take a HypnoBirthing class. I’m going to trust my body (yoga helps) and try to keep my mind calm (yoga helps with that, too). I’m going to hire a doula. I’m going to continue to talk with my OBGYN about my birthing options.

But other than the concrete steps I can take to plan for a smoother birthing experience, I’m not going to dwell on it. I’m going to relish every minute with my two-year-old and remind myself how incredible it is that I get to create another tiny person.

When it’s time for Baby to make his or her debut, I’m going to get it done, whatever it takes. If I learned anything the first time, it’s that I can go through a really, really hard (yes, even traumatic) thing, and I can survive it. I know when it’s over and I finally hold this baby in my arms, I’m going to say, “You are so worth it,” just like I did the first time.

I’m Scared to Give Birth Again (But I’m Doing It Anyway)