Some days I wake up, stumble to the bathroom, and look in the mirror at my sleep deprived self and cry. I cry like an overly emotional teenage girl. Me! The 32 year old successful woman cries. It is kind of pathetic. I cry because I hate the body that is looking back at me in the mirror. If there was a spokesperson for shitty self-esteem and the person who is uncomfortable with their post-partum body the most, I would be that person! Plaster me all over the city, because I win the contest for hating my body the most!
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” – Theodore Roosevelt
Almost four and a half years ago I became a mother, left my passion for racing my bicycle behind to grow a child and give birth to him in my own home. Having children was everything I dreamed and wanted so badly, but I was not prepared for the changes my body would go through. I wish someone would have told me, to celebrate my pre-baby body for what it was, physically fit and toned. After giving birth, my views on my breasts and stomach changed. I hate them now. But seriously, how can I feel so negatively about my own self?! I grew a child in that stomach and nursed that tiny baby with the milk from my breast! And yet I still hate the body staring back at me.
4th trimester bodies
Last winter the 4th Trimester Body Project, came to Ann Arbor. I was so excited, I had been following Ashely Wells Jackson’s project since it started and could not believe she was actually coming to Michigan. I signed up so fast! The project is “dedicated to embracing the beauty inherent in the changes brought to our bodies by motherhood, childbirth and breastfeeding”. The week before the photo shoot, I went to Nordstrom to get a black bra and pair of underwear; as the photos are taken of mother and her children in black undergarments. At the time I was 8 weeks pregnant and still nursing my 16 month old, Davin. I felt awkward and just plain fat, but excited to have the moment captured. I arrived at the photo shoot full of amazing emotions and left a little while later in tears. I was embarrassed that they were going to be online for all of the world to see. I was not prepared to see the images the camera captured. I buried the photos in my email and didn’t do anything with them for many months.
My bio with 4th trimester bodies
The last few weeks of my pregnancy with Ebe, I got the guts and sent the photos out to be printed and framed. I hung my favorite picture in the corner of my bedroom next to black and white silhouettes I had done of the boys during the summer. The photo began to grow on me. Did I really look that bad? Sure I have to some weight to lose, I was newly pregnant in the photo, and my body was far from perfect.
I can’t continue hating my figure for the rest of my life; who does that? It is time to stop the negative attitude, the shaming of myself and teaching my own children that one day their wives no longer have perfect bodies! This ends now.
My body changed with pregnancy, why does society view me as no longer perfect? Sure, I could probably do a zillion workout videos, start making better food choices and drop all of the baby weight, but what if I don’t? Am I flawed or should I be celebrated? I grew and fed a child with my own body!
From now on, I am going to celebrate the successes my body has accomplished instead of talking down to myself. I want to teach Ebe that one day, her body will change and it is nothing to be ashamed of. The more important thing is for me to be healthy so that I’m around for years to come to be a parent, not a cover girl.
*As of early June, I have returned to the sport of cycling and hope to compete in my first race post babies in early July 2015*
This is a beautifully raw, accurate depiction of what some mother’s may experience. It needs to be talked about because we may not be prepared for this area of motherhood. Bravo!
You look amazing in that photo! I love your perspective of celebrating your body rather than shaming it–if not for anything else than to set an example for how your daughter will view her post-baby body, or your sons will view their wive’s post-baby body someday. Being a parent has made me much more aware of what I say and think about myself. It’s a change in progress. I used to push aside all compliments from others, be very critical to others about myself, etc. Now I’m much more aware of how I talk about myself, so that my daughter can see I’m proud and happy in me. It seemed forced at first and was really just to set an example for her, but now all that positive self-imagery has actually made me truly feel better about myself. So thanks daughter!! Change in progress like I said, but change for the better, baby steps and all, is change nonetheless.
Great post, Adrian, and beautiful photo! I find it completely ironic that it took me having a baby to truly appreciate the body I was given. If only I could speak to my teenage self now… I would’ve been so much more confident back then!