When my son was 4 weeks old I decided to paint our front door. We had just moved into our home and there were many nagging tasks that were put on the back-burner until after the baby arrived. My ugly green door was at the top of my list.
And so one day, I decided to paint it. How much work could one little door be? I was sure I could get the work done during the increments that my son napped. There was minimal surface area to be covered, very little taping required, and I was confident the job would be an easy one.
Fast-forward 6 hours. My husband came home that evening to a trail of paint through our foyer, unwashed paint brushes half-drying in the laundry tub, a screaming baby, a frantic momma, and as I’m sure you’ve guessed: a half-painted door. Not to forget the half-finished load of laundry lying in the hallway, because logically if I had time to paint the door I could probably get some laundry done too, and start dinner…
Clearly, getting anything done with a baby in the house was not going to be easy.
It took me three days to learn this lesson and three days to finish the door, but I did it.
This scenario is only one of many that has occurred over the past 20-some weeks since my son was born. I have been cleaning closets, reading books, and trying all sorts of Pinterest recipes. I’ve joined a book club, a parenting group, a yoga class, and am volunteering for Girls on the Run. I even decided that NOW is clearly the time for me to start training for a spring half-marathon. My to-do lists are longer than ever.
Please note that, like the example of my front door, I am failing at all of these things. My running regiment is sparse, there are clothes piled in corners of my house waiting to be put back into the closets, books are half-finished, and I’m not sure we’ve had a legitimate home-cooked meal in months. This is my reality.
I read an article before the baby arrived that discussed how important it was to do something everyday to maintain a sense of control. A simple task such as making the bed or putting on some lipstick was a reminder that the chaos that accompanies life with a newborn would eventually calm down and stabilize into our new “normal”. Clearly I am taking this advice to the extreme.
Am I alone in my search for my former self?
I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on why I struggle to let go and why I am putting so much pressure on myself to keep up, which has led me to these three very important Postpartum Truths:
First: My life won’t ever be the same (duh!). Logically, I should have figured this one out well before the baby was here. Things that used to take me 10 minutes might now require a week’s worth of planning and a baby-sitter. But it wasn’t until I was in the thick of things that I really realized this truth.
Second: My second postpartum truth is that it’s easy to lose yourself transitioning from an independent adult to the role of “mom”. It is also very scary. Being a mom is my new identity but it’s not my only identity. I am also a wife, a friend, a teacher, a runner, a list-maker, and a task-master (and a pretty good painter of doors). My attempts at keeping up with myself help remind me of each of those identities.
Third: My last postpartum truth is that I need to stop competing with who I was before baby. I am not any less of myself because I can’t do everything I intend to do as fast as I used to. In fact, I’m feeling like a boss for at least attempting to keep busy. Even though I suck at it, at least I’m trying. I need to remember to be gentle with myself!
And as I type these last few lines, I am reveling in the fact that I can cross this post off my list.
