The question often asked in the final weeks of pregnancy is, “Are you ready?” I always giggled, imagining my son practicing for his future hide-and-seek days yelling, “Ready or not, here I come!” from my belly. It’s a simple yes or no question in theory, but in reality, it’s so much more.
In a lot of ways, I felt very prepared to become a mom. I have wanted to be one my whole life. My mom is the best role model. Kids are my jam. I knew my “I love sleeping in” card was getting turned in. But, now that my heart is walking around outside of me, something happened that I wasn’t prepared for: motherhood has made me look at life through a zoom lens. And truthfully, unlike Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard, I wasn’t ready for my close-up.
The Dark is Darker
“Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had…and dealing with fears you didn’t know existed.” Someone please put that on a t-shirt! What if I’m not a good enough mom for my son? There are days I’m well below average. Who will take care of him if something happens to me? Or worse, who will take care of me if something happens to him?
Loss is a part of life, and let’s face it: it’s usually the good ones who are taken away too soon. What happens when I make the wrong decision? My mistakes will impact him in some way. How do I protect him from the cruelty and ugly that exists today? I won’t always be able to. With all this in mind, it’s no wonder there’s a heaviness that sits on my heart now.
The Loud is Louder
The world sure is a noisy place, isn’t it? I was used to the hustle and bustle, but now there’s all this extra background noise. It’s loud and constant. It always has something to say. Never fear: there will always be a judgmental person in your ear. The venom that spews out of people’s mouths (and fingertips) sometimes is nothing short of shocking. It’s hard enough being responsible for another human being, then throw in the constant advice and constant critics, and you have a recipe for a headache. Please pass the earplugs.
The Fast is Faster
I’m certain that #slowdowntime or something of the like repeats itself often on my social media posts. Sure, some days—especially those extra hard days— seem like 24 hours jumped to 50, and I desperately want the clock to move faster. For the most part, though, the minutes, days, and months fly by. My son was born yesterday, and today he confidently said, “Bye, Mama!” to me as I dropped him off at daycare. We unpacked in our new house yesterday, and today we are packing up all the baby stuff for storage. I had a closet full of clothes that fit yesterday, and today I have empty hangers and a pile of worn-out leggings. Heck, I graduated high school yesterday, and today I received an invite to our 20-year reunion. In conclusion, Kenny Chesney is right when he says, “Don’t blink.”
The Sweet is Sweeter
Everything stops the moment my son gives me a hug. It reaches my soul and breathes life into me. If he goes in for the slobbery kiss, too, it’s over, and I’m ready to order him a lifetime supply of M&M’s. The sound of him chatting away in the backseat puts a smile on my face. I could honestly listen to him talk all day, particularly when he exclaims, “I eat!” when a snack attack strikes. (I really do need to order those M&M’s!). When the cashier at the grocery store gives him a sticker, I thank her. I cherish friends who lift me up and make me laugh. Here’s looking at you group texts with multiple replies in silly GIFs. I simply find myself noticing, as well as appreciating, the little things more.
The Bright is Brighter
There is so much good in the world. So much. I love reading stories on Good News Network for a boost. I see it in the eyes of teachers welcoming my son with open arms on his first day of class. It’s there when the nurses give him a popsicle after surgery. We are all making strides to make tomorrow better than today. More than anything else, I want to raise a kind, empathetic, and all-around good human. I can’t wait to see who the off-the-charts in height, sweet soul playing with his dog in my living room grows up to be.
At the end of the day, we all see and process the world through different lenses. I need to remind myself to keep focus on what matters to me and crop out the rest. The true meaning of motherhood— and really of life— is all in your perspective.
Wow! As a Mother of grown children I felt so many memories flooding back while reading this amazing article. Times may have changed over the years but all of the emotions that a Mother feels are timeless. It is wonderful to hear that the fierce Love motherhood brings is alive and well and living in our challenging world. Hats off to you Jenny and all of the incredible Mothers out there trying to be the best they can be for their children.