This statement isn’t “click bait” and is, in fact, something I feel very strongly about. Recently as I was dropping my son off at school, I noticed a sign posted in his hallway (which he most likely has never read). It said something to the effect of, “It’s not important if the consequence was intended, what matters is how it made the other person feel.” My immediate reaction was to think, No, that is not, in fact, correct. From a legal perspective, “intent” is an essential element of most crimes, and from a real-world perspective, no one cares how YOU feel.
I consider myself a logical and rational person who grew up in an era where feelings were subjective, so I cannot in good conscious hold my child to such an arbitrary and illogical standard. Consider the following example:
Let’s say that my seven-year-old brings a Lego model– one he spent countless hours building– to school for show-and-tell. After giving his presentation in class, one of his friends asks if he can play with it. My son, who is concerned that it may get broken, says no, inadvertently hurting the other child’s feelings. In this scenario, my child reasonably denied the request but is somehow responsible for the other child’s feelings were hurt? This is absurd! This other child’s desire, sense of entitlement, or particular sensitivities are the reason his feelings are hurt, not my son’s actions, so why should he be accountable?
Now let’s take it a step further: my child, out of fear over this “policy,” allows another child to play with his model, and that child accidentally drops and breaks it. Now should that child be held responsible for my child’s hurt feelings? You are probably saying, “Well no, that was an accident,” but pursuant to the policy, all that matters is how my son feels.
What I teach my children is that choices have consequences. My son took a risk by taking his model to school, knowing that it may get broken, and when it did, his resulting feelings were something that only HE was in control of. While he may be feeling disappointed, that is life. The other child is not responsible for my son’s sadness, any more than my son would be if he had denied his friend the privilege of playing with it.
Please don’t confuse this with teaching kindness. Despite their flaws, my children have always been complimented for the kindness, empathy, and sensitivity they have shown to others. Kindness is something that is more important to me than manners, grades, or general behavior. The golden rule holds supreme in our home. From the time my children were first able to comprehend the English language, it has been drilled into them that they should treat others as they would like to be treated. This rule is not unique to any religion, geographic region, or century, and has been the standard by which children have been taught for generations, but now all of a sudden in this overly-sensitive society we live in we are holding people to an immeasurable standard of how it made someone else feel. Am I the only one who thinks this is crazy?!?! How do any of us, children in particular, control how someone else feels?
Children are under enough stress and pressure in this world without having the added complication of constantly worrying if their actions or words have the unintended consequence of making someone else feel badly. By virtue of writing this post, I am likely in breach of this standard. My intent is to give insight into my belief on this particular topic in hopes that others may agree, or perhaps even disagree and share their reasoning why, but undoubtedly this article will hurt someone’s sensitivities.
We are doing our children a huge disservice if we are teaching them that people are always going to care about their feelings. As parents we know that hurting our kid’s feeling is inevitable but also necessary to help them grow. Helping our children learn to acknowledge, accept, and move on when their feelings are hurt is one of the most important coping mechanisms we can teach them. It is invaluable for conflict resolution, happiness, and their ability to thrive in this world.
Do I expect my children to be accountable for their actions? Absolutely. But not for the unintended hurt-feelings that may result from those actions, and I’m not sorry for how that makes anyone else feel.
