It’s inevitable that at some point as a parent, you will be forced to explain and discuss death with your child. The topic is a tough one for most people to discuss with other adults, and we all have an innate need to protect our kids from pain – which makes it that much more difficult to be honest about what has happened or will happen to a person or pet they love so much. How to tell this beautiful little person about something so sad, all while dealing with your own grief? How can we support them through this time?
My husband I have had to discuss death with my daughter, who is nearly 6, several times throughout her life and each time our approach has evolved a bit as she matured. She was somewhere between 2 and 3 when her lizards both passed away, a few weeks apart. When we discovered the first one had died, I had absolutely no clue how to tell her. We didn’t know if we should even bother. Maybe she wouldn’t notice?
Ultimately, we chose to be direct and for her, and us, it was a good choice and helped to set the stage for the more serious discussions we would have about death in the coming years. She accepted both of their deaths pretty gracefully, and we briefly explained that all living things eventually die, including plants, animals, and people. We did show her their bodies, which did not look scary at all, to help her understand. She drew a few pictures of them over the next week or two, but otherwise didn’t have a lot to say.
Fast forward another year or two, and in the late summer of 2013, we found out that my father had terminal leukemia. Lila had just turned 4 and my son, JP was about 5 months old. We were all caught off guard, including my dad when we found out just how limited his time was.
Again, we chose to be up front, in the hopes that having time to talk about it together would help her understand what was happening to someone she loved so much and spent time with every week. Telling her forced me to face my own pain, and it took everything I had to be able to remain calm as we spoke. I didn’t want to scare her. I didn’t want it to be real.
Sometimes we forget just how innately intelligent and intuitive our children are. They often know much more than we give them credit for, and she again took in the information with more grace than I thought possible. She cried, and talked about how much she was going to miss him. She told us, and him, that she didn’t want him to die. We are Christian, and spoke to her about Heaven and how she would see Papa again one day. This brought her comfort and helped her to accept what was happening.
In the weeks leading up to my father’s passing, we allowed her to express herself in whatever way she saw fit. She drew pictures, and asked questions. Some days she wouldn’t mention death at all, other days it was all she wanted to talk about. She saw her Papa just about every day, and they laughed and talked and watched TV together.
I’m thankful that we had the time to prepare her, and I think that it was cathartic for my Dad too. They had a special relationship, and almost 2 years later she still talks about him. She tells my son about him and shows him pictures, which alternately breaks and warms my heart.
The death of my dad was one of the hardest times of my life thus far, but I can say with all honesty that I also experience the privilege of witnessing love the morning he passed on. We did his hospice care in our home, so his final weeks were spent with my family. Lila woke up shortly after he died. With tears streaming down my face, I had to tell her that he was gone. She hugged me, and then ran into his room. She pulled herself up onto the bed by the rails, whispered, “I love you Papa. Goodbye.” And she kissed his cheek before heading back to her room to get ready for preschool.
The way we handled it isn’t the right way for every family. There are so many variables, not the least of which is where you are in your grieving process. The age and maturity level of the child, the kind of relationship they have with the deceased, and your family’s religious or spiritual beliefs will also play a large role in how you choose to speak to your child about death.
Here are some ideas to consider when preparing to discuss death with your family:
- How does your family’s religious or spiritual beliefs explain death? Do you believe in an afterlife?
- Explain to them in a way they will understand, brief is better and allows them to understand without being overwhelmed by words. Younger children will need fewer details, older children may need more information about why.
- Let them ask you questions, and give honest answers.
- It’s ok to admit that you don’t have all the answers and that you are also very sad.
- Ask how they feel about what is happening or has happened, and make sure they know that it is ok and normal to be sad, angry, frustrated, etc.
- Consider reading age appropriate books about death with them. See the list here for ideas – http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/emotional-intelligence/explaining-death
- Help them to say good bye to their loved one. A memorial may be helpful if the death was unexpected.
- Ask hospice care workers or funeral home staff for their take on how to speak with your children. They are professionals and have experience helping families through these difficult times
- Don’t be afraid to talk about death before it happens. You can talk about less personal things, like plants to help young children understand life cycles.
If you experienced this discussion with your children we would love to hear from you, please share your tips!
