When you’re growing your family, they try to temper your fears by saying “your heart doubles in size,” and then they stoke them with words like “chaos” and “unmanageable.” I’m here to tell you they ain’t wrong, but I would have appreciated a few more details. So here they are: the good-ish, the bad, and the haunting about three under three.

It’s Hard to Find Time For Fun

Bathing, brushing, clothing, feeding, and changing three bodies take up so much time that when you’re through, it’s either someone’s nap or there’s 32 oz of grape juice to wipe up, and 100 yards of toilet paper has been unraveled. 

When I was a mother of one, I spent countless hours playing with my daughter; I would research exactly where she was developmentally and come up with activities tailored to her specific skills and interests. I wasn’t super mom– I just had one kid. And when you have one kid, you don’t realize all the time you actually have.

I try to plan (Google frantically) a few activities a week for my eldest, and my favorite resource I use to make the most of our playtime together is Busy Toddler. I hit up the dollar store with regularity for workbooks, stickers, and seasonal fun. 

Things You Used to Enjoy Are Now a Source of Stress

I am in a constant battle between needing to leave the house, for my own mental health and deciding whether or not the work to get out the door will be worth it. Will the outing itself leave me weary with nothing left in my tank to make it to bedtime? It’s a gamble friends. Roll the dice, leave the house, and make coffee your last stop before you go back home.

You’ll always be weighing the pros and cons of attending events, and you will undoubtedly have to turn down invitations – nothing is off limits: weddings, christenings, and backyard barbeques will be missed. You might find sitting out Christmas across the country is easier than the logistical nightmare of sleeping arrangements for your team. How many sound machines and pack-n-plays are you willing to cart around? Skype with Grandma and call it a wrap.

Your Subsequent Children Get Different Treatment

It’s not necessarily worse, but I can’t say for certain that I’ve ever taken my new babies on a walk for any other reason than getting through the witching hour. Infant Halloween costumes were deemed a waste of precious brainpower; cutting corners is just a matter of survival. There is no Wonder Weeks app on my phone. Instead, the only leap I’m interested in is jumping ahead five years to when this brood is school-age.

Bath time was a lovely part of our bedtime routine. Every. Single. Night. Followed by a soothing massage with lavender-scented lotion. Now I bathe my toddler when her butt is smelly, and I wrestle her to ground to put salve on her skin once it’s cracked and bleeding. There is zero preventative care; I’m always down by 20 points in the fourth quarter.

Feel good that you’re experienced enough now to let go of what wastes your time, energy, and money.

You Attention is Divided

Siblings are a gift. This is what I have to repeat to myself to keep the crushing guilt from consuming me. I don’t read my daughter a single book these days without getting up to put a pacifier in a child’s mouth. Individual attention must be scheduled, or it’s easy to feel like no one is ever getting the best of you. However, seeing your children’s love for one another does help when the doubt starts to take over.

You’re Not Supposed to Feel Like You’re Killing It

Let it go. It feels impossible because it almost is. Unfollow bloggers who have six kids dressed in boutique clothing and post about grace and homeschooling all day. That is a brand, a brand that has the power to make you feel really bad about yourself. A few women can do that, but you have to ask yourself, what kind of support do they have, what are their finances, and what sort of prescription medications are they prescribed? Because I could raise an army if I had access to amphetamines and a six-figure salary. I have to know that loving my children is enough. They will never have perfectly-filtered photos; that’s just not my skill set, but they got one hell of a hot mess mom.

Be Open To Change

I was a stay-at-home mom and primary caregiver to my daughter for the first two years of her life. No more. When your family grows, roles change; responsibilities shift, and while that can be extremely difficult to swallow, you have to relinquish control. (Basically writing this as a reminder for myself).

A difficult pregnancy and twin duty means I haven’t put my toddler to bed in close to a yea – that Zen-inducing bedtime routine that I cherished isn’t feasible. As a result, my daughter is extremely attached to her father right now; she calls for him in the night, and I am not her number one choice for comfort. Heartbreaking? Yes. This is still a hard pill for me to swallow. I mean, my two-year investment plus gestation feels like a wash. But I cannot be all the things to all these people.

Try to find comfort in the fact that your relationship with your children isn’t static. It will continue to grow and evolve, and your family unit has the ability to handle what life throws at it.

Hella Housework

The kids are a lot to take care of, but even they eventually go to bed. The house, on the other hand, is a serious problem. You’ll be lucky to have any overlap in naps when everyone is young; consequently, you can no longer depend on a solid block of time each day to fit your entire life into. There will be casualties… your floors, the bathroom, your sanity. They tell you to lower your expectations, but I’ve found determining one or two non-negotiable domestic tasks has helped more than crumbling to my filthy floor and giving up completely. Every night I clean my kitchen, and knowing I have at least one tidy room to wake up to makes me feel as good as an hour alone in Target.

Perspective Is Key

While your heart doubles (or tripled in my case), everything else is divided. Your attention, your patience, your body, your will to live. Having these three children is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but on a very regular basis (to the tune of several times a day), I wonder how I will sustain this lifestyle. But, the reality is, is that I won’t have to for long.

This is a season, and it feels a lot like four Michigan winters back-to-back, but once endured, the tireless investment you’ve put into building your family will pay out in dividends. Special events and all the days between will be fuller, louder, and richer because you said yes to the chaos that comes with three under three.