No one gets married to get divorced. Let’s face it, when we say “I do” we think this is forever. Till death do us part, in sickness and in health. In part, these are the vows that we take and believe. Unfortunately, reality kicks in and via whatever facts and circumstances of our lives, one party or both decide divorce is the unfortunate resolve to “I do.” Not an easy situation to be in. There are many questions as to what happens next, especially if minor children are involved. I know this all to be true as I am a divorced, full time working mom of two minor children. However, I couldn’t be happier! Every situation is different, but here is what I have learned about divorce:
True Happiness Does Exist
“Are you living your best life?” I heard Oprah Winfrey ask this question a few times on her show and never thought twice about the question until I tried to answer it myself. Am I living my best life? I had to reply no and asked myself why not? I had grown as an individual and not together with my partner. I was not the same woman I was in my 20’s when I said “I do.” I had matured, was settled in a career and was a mother of two kids. My life revolved around finding nanny’s, schools, cooking, their extra curricular activities, birthday parties (which seemed to be every week – good Lord) and raising a happy, healthy family while still working a demanding full time job. My episodes of happiness, when I look back, were episodic. So episodic I thought it was normal.
I was carrying around a mountain of mental stress and anguish during my marriage. The beginning of our separation represented a new found freedom that I had not had in over 13 years. I felt an immediate weight off my shoulders and I was ready to start this new journey. I was ready to be around people who were positive and inspiring and who loved life. I did simple things like “Like” as many positive and spiritual authors on Facebook so my feed was filled with inspiration and hope, spirituality, love and of course the “girl power” quotes that reminded me I was not alone in this space and I could most definitely be a great mother and provider.
I took more bubble baths, started my days listening to gospel music, singing in my car, and treating myself to a nice dinner on my kid free Wednesday night’s. In no time my soul was filled with such inspiration and power and I started to feel whole again. I read “The Power of Now” by Eckart Tolle and for 1 year gave myself permission to be responsibly reckless. I did everything I wanted to do during this year without worrying about money (within reason) or feeling confined because the hardest battle was over and I had succeeded. The hardest battle was facing the fact that I wasn’t happy, the person I was married to was draining me of my energy, my breath, my life and that I needed to move forward in life without him. Once I acknowledged and acted on that – the rest was easy. I celebrated my birthday for the first time and really enjoyed it. I took my kids on vacation and loved every second of it. I started dating, spent more time with the girls, and even got a new job within the same company. My life turned completely around and my soul took in every ounce of happiness and joy that I was getting. The only thing I didn’t do was get a tattoo but it’s still on my list!
Having a Great Support Group Is Critical
As I began this next phase of my journey I started therapy. I felt like I needed to get a better understanding of the new me, discuss intellectually the feelings and emotions I was having and how I could be a better mother and person going forward because lets face it I played a role in the demise of my marriage as well. The year of therapy was exactly what I needed.
My therapist is an amazing woman who challenged me, made me answer tough questions and helped guide me to the person I am today. Her support helped me through the rough periods of the divorce process and her suggestions for what I could do to help myself were always right on time. One thing she told me, based on my personality, is that I need to learn to accept help when it’s offered and to ask for help when I need. A very foreign concept for me. I am Super Woman after all (or so I thought I had to be).
I can now say I have mastered this lesson successfully!
I have always been a person who has done for herself with little help from family or friends. Logistically now, it is sometimes impossible for me to be in two places at once with two active children with their extra-curricular activities, birthday parties, and play dates. At times I have been forced to ask a friend or family member for help and they have all jumped in enthusiastically and willingly without having a second thought. It has brought me to tears to see just how much we are loved and supported. Not to mention my parents who have been nothing less than extraordinary. I will never be able to repay any of them for the amount of support they have provided. It has been in-valuable.
Kids Mirror What They See
I met with a child therapist before our transition to ensure we provided the kids with enough appropriate information regarding what was occurring, what was going to happen next, and to identify any warning signs that either child was negatively reacting to our new reality.
We met a few times because I was obviously very emotional about this piece of the process. They were the reason I had stayed several years too long and I didn’t want their world to fall apart now because I decided to be happy again.
In one of our last sessions the therapist said “kids mirror what they see.” I’ve always been a pretty positive, easy going mom but when she said that I up’d my “positive” game. I started making sure we went to church every week they were with me (and to the early service because the Sunday school teacher at the early service loves the kids). I make them listen to Joel Osteen every morning on the way to school, and we started praying at night and sharing one thing we were thankful for in the day.
We started eating dinner at the table (vs. the bar in the kitchen) and really started talking about our day. It was good for me too because I started to share another piece of me with the kids. If I had a bad day at work, I told them. If I was recognized at work I shared that with them as well. We also began to have more fun together and we laugh all the time now. I can honestly say my kids transitioned very well and have been thriving well. They are loved beyond measure and I know they can feel the love and support they have.
Love After Divorce
So love does exist after divorce. It’s a little scary getting back out there but I have been kind of excited about this piece of my journey. The hope and inspiration to make better choices the second time around with the knowledge and maturity I have now is exciting and empowering.
I’ve dated a few men, fell in love, had my heart broken but I understand this is all part of the journey. I have learned something about myself from each of these men and have even added to my “list” of what I want in my next partner based off certain aspects of their personalities and character traits.
Love is a bit more complicated than I remember it before. Being older and dating is different in the sense that now we all come with many different facts and circumstances from our careers, life responsibilities, children, etc… I have chosen to keep my love life separate from my home life. No one has been special enough yet to meet my two biggest assets. But being divorced has not made me bitter or jaded. The possibility of limitless happiness, true love and an amazing man to enhance our family unit makes the journey worth it.
