If you asked me 10 years ago how many children I wanted to have the answer was 4. Some people have aspirations of becoming lawyers and doctors, chefs and engineers – my dream was always to become a mother.
Fast forward to 2011 when I became pregnant with my first child. I didn’t show until I was 20 weeks along. I had very mild morning sickness and felt more beautiful than I ever have in my whole life. Some would say I had the ideal pregnancy. I was in mama-to-be heaven. I was as ready as I ever would be to become a mom.
All the preparation in the world could never get me ready for what I was about to encounter.
With my first child, I was diagnosed with severe postpartum depression. While it’s been nearly 4 years since, there are still some things that I can’t and will never be able to talk about and things I can never take back. However, I made it through with some pretty amazing life lessons learned. I learned a lot about my son, I learned a lot about my husband, but more importantly, I learned a lot about myself.
After coming out of the dark, my husband and I decided to try for another baby and we were successful. In June of 2013, we welcomed our daughter, but not without some trepidation due to the circumstances surrounding my postpartum depression with my son. I was TERRIFIED. However, I educated myself and built myself an arsenal of support and resources. With caution and positivity as my keywords, I was able to get through the first year of my second child’s life with no signs of PPD.
It was immediately after my second child was born that I came to an epiphany: I’m done having children. Some people are wishy-washy and that’s more than OK! I was a firm NO. I know that I said I wanted four, but that was before I experienced all of the horror and joy and fear and happiness that was Motherhood. I knew NOTHING about what it actually took to care for and be responsible for another human life. After taking care of my son for 22 months and then giving birth to my daughter I realized I can totally rock this as a mother of two. That’s ALL I want is to be a good mom. I know there is no such thing as the perfect parent, but I want to be fair; fair to my children, fair to my husband and fair to myself. If I added any more to the mix, I can honestly say that I would not be as good, as efficient, as ‘OK’ of a mom as I am. The responses I’ve received as to my reasoning have been mixed. Some tell me it’s ok – I got a boy and a girl so it ‘makes sense’ to be done. Some people are insulted because I make it seem like I think people with more than two kids are crazy (which is NOT the case) – some people can handle that and they ROCK at it. I wouldn’t. I’d like to say the main reason behind my choice is that I know myself and who I am well enough to know that if I were to have any more children, it just wouldn’t be a good situation. We wouldn’t thrive like we do now. We wouldn’t live as fully as we do now. I’m confident in that fact. I’ve come to terms with it.
If you’re struggling with making the decision, it isn’t a decision to be made lightly. When the decision is made, whether it is a yes or a no, be confident that the decision you made is the right one for YOU and if your choice is to be done having children, that’s ok. Whatever you do, be the BEST mama you know how to be.
