DISCLAIMER: This post contains references of sexual abuse.
With school back in session, as a mom, I am gearing up for so many things, from making breakfasts to school lunches, work days cut short for kid pick-up, after school sports, and more. But one of the biggest things I dread now that my daughter is getting older is her asking, “Can I have a sleepover?”
For me, sleepovers are a hard no. It’s not because I have read too many things or seen the statistics on it. It’s because I AM one of those statistics. According to the National Center for Victims of Crime, “self-report studies show that twenty percent of adult females and five to ten percent of adult males recall a childhood sexual assault or abuse instance.”
A Different Generation of Parenting
Growing up as a child in the ’80s, our parents didn’t know what we know today. The internet didn’t exist, I don’t even think cordless phones were out yet. Kids asking to come play and have sleepovers was super common back then.
I look back at this now as an adult and sometimes think, “What were they thinking?” At five and six, we all were heading to our friend’s house, to parents our parents barely knew. They weren’t asking about guns in the house or food allergies. We were just dropped off usually with a, “See you tomorrow.” Cell phones didn’t exist to text our parents if we were uncomfortable. We probably wouldn’t even know what to do IF we were uncomfortable in the first place.
And most likely, our parents weren’t having conversations with us about our bodies. They weren’t teaching us how to say no. There weren’t books out there or websites on how to have these difficult conversations with kids such as good touch versus bad, standing up for yourself, or that no means no. This most likely meant there weren’t conversations like, “If anything ever happens to you please come to talk to us about it. If you ever feel uncomfortable call us and we will get you. There is nothing that you can’t talk with us about” either.
The Perfect Storm
So due to all of the above, I as a child wasn’t prepared for sleepovers. Or the worst that could happen at them.
My situation was different than a lot of what you hear. The abuse I suffered wasn’t by an older brother of my friend, or a relative. My sexual abuse came from my friend. My friend who was the same gender and same age as me. There is a definition of this as child-on-child abuse. I actually hadn’t heard the term until this year.
I don’t actually remember how old I was when it began to happen but I was probably seven or eight. But I do remember it happened at night time when we were supposed to be sleeping; when the innocent childhood whispers and giggles of staying up past our bedtimes turned into something sinister.
From what I remember, this happened at a few more sleepovers. I didn’t know that I should have told my mom. In my mind I think I knew that something wasn’t right. But no one had ever told me how wrong it really was. I know I was definitely confused about what was happening. I didn’t realize until I got older how bad it really was.
But then after it stopped I remained friends with this girl–all the way through our senior year in high school. She was my best friend. As we got older we both just pretended that it didn’t happen and never spoke of it, whether it be out of shame, guilt, embarrassment, or whatever unprocessed trauma we both were dealing with.
Forgiveness Comes in All Forms
It’s weird because to this day, I actually don’t blame her. I know what she did was wrong. But I know in my heart of hearts something worse was happening to her. I think she was being abused herself. Your average seven-year-old wouldn’t have done that to their friend if they hadn’t learned it from somewhere else. It actually breaks my heart for her to think about who could have done this to her, which I know sounds silly considering what happened TO me.
Additionally, I forgive my parents. To this day they don’t know what happened to me. Actually, no one really does. I finally said it out loud a few months ago to really heal my trauma. It’s not their fault that they did not have the tools to keep me safe. I forgive them for not teaching me about uncomfortable subjects that ultimately may have prevented this from happening.
Ignorance Turned to Education
While I have chosen not to talk about my childhood trauma or tell people what happened to me, I have used it to do better as a parent. I am constantly talking to my daughter about her body. She knows that no one touches our private areas (and we call them their anatomical parts!), that no means no, stop means stop, and that if ANYONE ever tries to touch us or make us feel uncomfortable, we tell mom and/or dad.
But more importantly: I am not putting her in that situation to begin with. Looking back, I think I was too young for sleepovers, especially with families we didn’t know well. While some might call me a helicopter parent, I don’t let my daughter go to people’s houses I don’t know well. But the good news is that I see more and more parents doing the same these days. Now, “coming over after school” in kindergarten and first grade means the parent is coming over as well!
While there is no complete safe guard to protect your child from sexual abuse, according to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network there are steps you can take to reduce their risk including:
- Teach children the names of their body parts: there is nothing weird about the word penis and vagina! And teach them that other people shouldn’t touch or look at them.
- No means no and stop means stop: teach your kids that if any touch makes them uncomfortable it’s okay to say no (and yes, that even means hugging a grandparent!).
- Talk about secrets: enforce a family “no secret” policy.
- Remind them they won’t get in trouble with whatever they tell you and they can come to you with anything.
- Choose caretakers carefully: be diligent about screening the people you leave your kids with
- Talk to them about the media they are seeing: you never know when their little parrot ears might hear something on the news, radio, or even in social settings. Tell them if they ever see naked people on their tablets, TV, etc. to come to you.
If you need to speak to someone who is trained to help, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673) or chat online.
