I walked into her office. This woman who I interact with a handful of times throughout the year. Most recently a week ago. when we spoke for about an hour. This time I had a purpose, a follow up to what we previously talked about. I had my words prepared. This woman is a professional, just like me, and I didn’t want to waste her time. As I knocked on her door and walked in, before I could say anything, she looked at me and asked, “when are you due?” with a smile on her face, like she was in on some big secret.
And just like that, I could feel my soul crushing and my heart sinking. I forgot why I walked into her office in the first place. I forgot my entire purpose. I just stood there staring at her. I’m sure I looked like an idiot. Maybe I heard her wrong. Maybe she said something else. To be sure, I said “excuse me?” Nope. I heard her right. “When are you due?” Again, with that smile on her face.
I tried to compose myself and fumbled through an answer, “uhh … I just had my son” and then tried to brush past this topic and jumped right into why I came to her office in the first place. We spoke professionally about the reason I came to her in the first place. I left her office. I walked down the hall and down the stairs. I could feel my heart racing right now. I knew I was about to breakdown. I was in fight or flight mode, and all I wanted to do was flee. I raced down the stairs, made it to my car, and the tears just flowed. I couldn’t stop. I really did. Compose yourself! You are a professional woman! Don’t let this woman break you! I couldn’t help it.
The thing is …. I’m not due. In fact, my youngest child just turned one (well, he’s now 14 months, if you want to be specific).
How could this woman know that I have struggled with my weight and low self esteem my entire life? How could she know that this isn’t the first time that I have been asked this question after I had my son? Hell! It wasn’t even the 10th time! How could she know the weight (a light-hearted pun intended) those words have?
She didn’t know that a couple of my peers had a terrible nickname for me when I was in elementary school. She didn’t know that I never felt pretty enough in high school because I wasn’t skinny like the other girls. She didn’t know that my coping technique through an emotionally abusive relationship in college was to stress eat. She didn’t know that I struggled with post partum depression after I had my first child (most people don’t know that). She didn’t know that my weight-related low self esteem plummeted even more during my divorce.
But she also didn’t know that I have lost all my baby weight (from my second child). She didn’t know that I’ve lost an additional 35 pounds. She didn’t know that I now exercise weekly and make better choices with food. She didn’t know that I am finally in a place where I feel like I look the best I have in over a decade! And that’s putting me right on par with my high school self!
As much as I want to excuse her ignorance, I shouldn’t have to. I should not be the one to reassure and comfort her after an insulting comment. I should not be the one feeling ashamed because she was disrespectful. I should have told her that that was an insensitive and rude question. Her wounding question does not get to be excused because I am overweight.
You might not anticipate how hurtful the “when are you due?” question is, but that doesn’t mean you should ask. A friend of mine was telling me that she was out running errands one evening. The cashier at the checkout counter said those devastating words to her. “When are you due?” This friend couldn’t compose herself (nor should she have had to). She left her items at the counter and cried all the way to her car. Ya see, my friend still had her baby bump. But she had no baby to celebrate. She miscarried just a few weeks prior. So this question hurts her in a completely different, yet equally heartbreaking way.
Moral of the story: I don’t care if a woman is 9 days, 9 weeks, or 9 months pregnant … you should NEVER ask “when are you due?”
Has anybody ever asked you this question when you were not actually “due?” How did you respond? Do you wish you would have responded differently?
Not to make light of this extremely sensitive subject, but I believe Dave Barry said that the only time you should assume (much less comment) that a woman is pregnant is if you see a baby emerging from her body at that very moment. And even then, you should shut up.
I have struggled with a baby belly since before childbearing, ever since college, really, and people ask me ALL. THE. TIME. when I’m due. Seriously? People who should know better. People who have more of a “baby belly” than I do. Women. Men. Older. Younger.
Come on, people. When did common courtesy disappear??