Dear Mom, a letter from the “other Mom”

Dear Mom,

Did you ever think you’d be here, sharing your child with another woman? Was there a time you would imagine your marriage wouldn’t survive and another woman would join you in the journey of raising your baby? Did it cross your mind that your pride and joy could love another mom?

I didn’t. Never in a million years did I think my marriage would fail. Or, that I’d fall in love again and have the privilege of raising another child; your child. I also didn’t expect it to be the hardest job I’ve held. Often, harder than raising my own.

When I said my vows, my intentions were to help raise him. To keep him safe. To raise a gentleman. To unconditionally love him forever. My intentions were, and still are not to replace you; only to help you in your journey. Unfortunately, the wall you have built has put a strain on our relationship, as well as the one I hold with your son. I know the pain and fear you have all too well, but I only have good intentions. Our home is not better than yours, just different. The financial strains that you succumb to, are not our responsibility. Your feelings and emotions towards his dad, my husband, are not shared. What I do share, is a strong sense of camaraderie with you. An unspoken bond that mothers share, even if the friendship does not exist.

I will never have those special moments that you did in the early years. I didn’t go through the sleepless nights with him. We didn’t share the quiet moments of nursing, gazing into each others eyes. I didn’t see the joy in his eyes the first time he took an unassisted step. I wasn’t there to share firsts as a baby, or a toddler. I didn’t know him when he was scared at night. I couldn’t soothe him the way you did. I was not around to enjoy those “sweet” years.

I’m here now though, for the nitty-gritty years. Those sleepless nights are now filled with worry of when he’ll be home and if he’s making smart teenager decisions. I’m here to help guide him with his first love and help mend a broken heart. I’ll watch him pull out of the driveway for the first time, but for his sake, I hope we don’t get the “I had an accident” call. Together, we will help him understand the consequences of social media, “sexting” and other adult-like decisions. We will watch him graduate, move out and take the plunge into the next stages of his life. Hopefully, you and I will be side by side as his Moms, maybe even friends.

Years later my intentions haven’t wavered, they are just a bit more challenging than I thought. Unfortunately, we’ve had more downs than ups as he’s grown into a young man. I’ve had unreasonable expectations. Thinking he’d behave the same way in our home that he does in yours. Wanting him to love me the way he loves you. We’ve had silence and death stares, which are both deafening and painful. Some days are filled with laughter, sarcasm and phrases I quite frankly don’t understand. To be painfully honest, I love him the way I love my own, but you have instilled the impossibility of that in him and we regress. I am not trying to take him from you, merely trying to help you in your motherhood journey.

Motherhood can be lonely and scary. It’s full of wonder. Am I making the right decision? Am I taking him down the right path? It’s often waiting, wondering, cheering and yelling. It’s the simple things though, that matter: the showing up, the dealing, the listening, giving, the loving and the learning to let go a little. I can only hope to make this easier on you, and to be there for you too.

As the “other mom” it’s important for you to know that I only want what’s best for him. For him to grow into a responsible, well respected young man that gives back to society. I am not here to one up you, take from you, be better than you, or loved more than you. I am simply invested in your son and helping you along the way. What’s better than one mom that wants the world for her son? How about having two.

With Love,

The Other Mom.