In my 20s, I thought I had life figured out. I had gotten engaged, bought our forever home, finished college, and was part of a crew that spent every moment together. We spent all our free time together. We would go to Canada on Thursdays, lunches between classes, grab drinks after work, and nurse hangovers together. No one cancelled plans and our friendships were our main priority.
We were naive and had expectations of friendships that were portrayed in television shows such as F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and Gossip Girl. Little did we know . . . that would change once we hit the big 3-0. Friendships in our thirties would be way different.
B.F.F. → Q.O.F.
As we get older, friendships change from quantity to quality. We might not have as many friends as before, and that’s okay. As long as you make plans a month in advance, and make it back home by 9:00 p.m., the ones that have stuck around are always down to meet up.
Unfortunately, the times I have received texts that say, “We should hang out!” have a ratio of being followed through of about 10:1. We all feel guilty when we feel a sigh of relief when our friend cancels and we can Netflix and chill. Sorry, 20-year-old me–that has a different meaning in my thirties.
“Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You’re going to love it.”
In college and young adulthood, you typically live near your friends. When you graduate, start your career, get married, or have kids, it’s no longer the same. It seems like everyone’s calendars are filling up with other obligations. As we go through different decades in life, our interests change, and we choose a different life path from our friend circle. Will it be worth it to retain these friendships? Absolutely–but there might need to be more effort made to stay close.
My four core friends and I have been friends since high school. While we have different career and family circles, we make an effort to see each other once a month. However, we constantly send Tik Toks or memes to each other just to let the others know we still are there for them when needed. Even though life can be overwhelming at times, it’s nice to get a funny DM from someone that you know cares.
“I can’t, my kid has practice, a game, or something.”
As a woman transitions through different life phases, they could feel a sense of loneliness, especially if they are the first from their core friend group to experience them. Being the first to get married and having children made my postpartum depression increase as I didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I wasn’t able to go to the bars with my friends like I used to, and I didn’t know anyone in our town that was in the baby stage–I felt lonely. I decided to put myself out there and joined a mom’s group that was on the island, where I met a great group of women.
As my boys grew up, meetups with friends started to look drastically different. Instead of meeting at the bars, we were meeting at library story times, playdates, hockey practices, games, and family outings. Even though I was going out with friends, I still wasn’t focusing on myself and creating meaningful friendships. Hell, it was all geared around our kids. I joined the local country club and then the golf league. The women I met on league had children at different ages, but we had one common interest–having a night out with a round of golf.
“Thirty, flirty, and thriving!”
Friendships in our thirties change–we go from having best friends forever to having only a handful of friends. We transition from putting our friendships first to now putting ourselves, our husbands, our careers, and our children first. While we may lose our B.F.F. we made in our twenties, we added casual friends in our thirties. These are friends that we share common interests with, love spending time with, but don’t go out of our way to ensure we see them frequently. There are few people that we consider as close friends–the ones that we seek advice from or call during a crisis.
So, why do things change in a decade? In our thirties, we seek self-discovery and become pickier about who we surround ourselves with. When I hit 30, I remember feeling anxious and crying the night before. Now at 33, I feel a sense of confidence and self-fulfillment I didn’t feel in my twenties. I used to waste so much energy projecting others’ expectations of how I should act or who I should be. I realized that life isn’t a race and I am where I am supposed to be.
“A friend may be waiting behind a stranger’s face.”
While making friends may be more challenging as we get older, it doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Try finding something that interests you and look for opportunities for meet-ups or communication. Below is a guide to help you start finding your new crew.
- Join clubs and groups that may interest you. Detroit Mom’s Community Groups are a great place to start. I enjoy reading and decided to start a book club in my area. Now we meet once a month to discuss books and socialize. You could also join a bible study or religious group that interests you.
- Connect with other parents. Does your child play a sport? Start a conversation with someone on the bleachers and see where it can take you! My boys play hockey, and the friends we made through hockey have become like family. We even went on spring break together!
- Join a gym class or sport. “Hey, hey, Peloton!” I enjoy riding my bike and have met many people in my community that I ride with. Put your name out there on your community page and see who responds! #Mrskncallis
- Get to know your co-workers. Say yes to drinks after work! It may surprise you when your co-worker becomes your next close friend. In the last year, my co-worker and I went from being acquaintances to close friends. Trust me, it makes for a fun work environment!
As we learned from Gossip Girl: “As much as a BFF can make you go WTF, there’s no denying we’d be a little less rich without them.” Dorothy to your Rose has been by your side through thick and thin, but it is important to remember that friendships evolve. Be excited about new friendships and mourn the loss of old friendships. While it may be more challenging to make new friends in your thirties, it is doable. Put yourself out there and you may realize that the new friendships you make in your thirties are more fulfilling and longer lasting.
