An Open Letter to Non-Mommies: Hold the Judgment

Dear Non-Mommies,

Please stop judging me. For the love of all things sacred, please *expletive* stop. There, I said it.

I’m done. Dunzo. Kaput. 

This isn’t your typical “mommy shaming” diatribe. I’m not focusing on the fellow moms rolling their eyes at me for my kid’s antics at Vinsetta Garage, or silently disapproving of how many times McDonald’s showed up in my Instagram stories this week. 

No, this is different.

This open letter, if you will, is dedicated to the non-mommies. I’ll define these persons as such:

non-mommy

non – mom – my; noun

1. childless persons
   • think friends, relatives, co-workers, and other parenting experts in your generation that lack the one thing that makes you a parent (read: a child)
2. persons with adult children that do not fall into my category of a (somewhat) “Millennial Mommy”
   • think persons in your “parent’s friends” age category; older relatives
     • things were different in their day, and thus, incomparable to when their now-adult son was a toddler

Is it just me? I swear I’m getting this judgy-ness coming at me in all directions lately, and it seems to be getting worse. Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

[dropcap]T[/dropcap]he Feeding.

Yes, I nursed my son. Yes, I sometimes complained about it. And yes, I always gave the caveat that it was what worked best for us. Most importantly, it was my choice of exclusive feeding.

Could my son have slept better with a bottle of formula before bed?

Possibly.

Do I think so?

No.

Why you ask? Because spending 24 hours a day, seven days a week, with a tiny human attached to a frontal appendage, you get to know them pretty darn well.

I am so, so glad your child slept through the night (like an angel) after their evening bottle. After all, mama’s choice is best. Mine was the boob, and I have zero regrets. Next!

[dropcap]T[/dropcap]he SAHM lifestyle.

In between cluster feeds and diaper changes and that whole keeping-a-human-alive thing…what, after all, was I actually doing all day (many childless friends still wonder)?

“Must be nice…” I (still) hear. And yes ladies, it is nice! I love the opportunity to stay home and care for my son each day. But, make no mistake. This is a J – O – B.

A job.

A job that my husband and I mutually agreed was the best decision for our family.

A job with no lunch-breaks, holidays, weekends, or even pay! #teamnodaysoff

Oh, but nap times! I mean, what am I doing with all that free time? “I would be SO bored!” is a common sentiment.

*Seth Meyers voice* “Reallllllyyy?”

If you only had two-ish hours (on a good day) to be an actual adult person, you would be bored?

You wouldn’t use that time to dry your hair that’s been sitting in a wet bun since last night? Or check email? Or maybe make a phone call because such a seemingly minor task is near impossible with toddler in tow?

Or, as I often do, you might just use this time (that truly flies by, trust me!) to rest. See, my job is extremely physical in nature and mentally demanding. Both my mind and body are spent by 1 p.m. Sitting is a luxury I don’t take for granted. I consider it self-care. Pinterest it.

Nope girlfriend, I ain’t bored. Next!!

[dropcap]T[/dropcap]he Financial Stuff.

Oh, but by choosing to be a mommy as my full-time job, I have lost my earning power, respect, and ability to work professionally for the rest of existence, according to many.

Wow. I have SO.MANY.THOUGHTS here; I need a bulleted list to respond!

A) Ummm…childcare is freaking expensive! One parent staying home is comparable to bringing in a pretty decent salary for most families. Just because I don’t have a physical paycheck does not mean that I don’t contribute financially AND fundamentally to our family. Like I said before, my husband and I prefer this approach to parenting and family balance, and we’re both equally happy with the decision. We are blessed and thankful to have this option.

B) Never do I ever…plan to re-enter the overly-stressful corporate PR world that once ran my life. But more importantly, I DEFINITELY don’t plan to work for a company that would discriminate against me– a woman– who chose to take time off to raise a family. I’m sorry, but no thank you!

C) I am confident that my passions will lead me to something exciting and new, and the financial benefits will surely follow. Oh and hey, look at this blog post right here, they already have! I’m working with a community of like-minded, pro-women individuals and moms that inspire other moms. In addition to the freelance social media work I recently took on, I am straight up working that #momboss lifestyle already. And you bet I’m proud.

Next!

[dropcap]T[/dropcap]he Potty Training.

Saving the best for last: the joys of potty training…

At first, I didn’t train him soon enough. And now that we’re in the thick of it, I’m apparently doing it all wrong. Before it was, “Shouldn’t he be ready yet?” And now it’s, “Are you sure he is?”

Goodness girls, give me a break!

Is there something so horribly wrong with me choosing to stay close to home for a few days (#threedaymethod) while my son goes commando and pees on the floor a few (dozen) times in order to learn this important life skill? 

Ridiculous? Perhaps.

A proven effective method and more importantly, the path we chose for our family? I’ll take the path for $1,000 Alex!

So please, don’t worry about when, why, and how I’m doing it. After all, have I ever asked you to change a diaper or wipe a butt? Methinks not. Next!

Listen, I’ve been in your position before. It’s easy to criticize a situation that you, quite frankly, know nothing about. I will admit it. That was me, rolling my eyes at new moms that were just doing it ALL wrong. Or taking “mom life” too seriously. Or being lazy…or so I thought.

Once you non-mommies have littles of your own (if you choose to), I promise not to hold this phase of judgment against you. Well, that’s if– and this is a big IF– you promise to take these words to heart and rethink how you approach sharing opinions, thoughts, and advice with moms everywhere.

And to the moms of older children, please understand that I do respect your experience and in no way mean offense when I tell you to please keep it to yourself. There is a fine line between sharing solicited guidance and coming off offensive and condescending. I ask with all sincerity, try to be more cognizant.

Like the saying goes, “mama knows best.” And right now, I’m the mama.

Yours Truly,

~Kelsey

P.S.: I’d say, we’re doin’ just fine 😉