I am sitting on the living room floor being climbed on by my one year old daughter. I am a jungle gym. This is my life now, I am furniture. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a parent, but right now I think I’d rather be the dad.
I am OK with the feeding and the changing, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do, right? But I find cuddling boring sometimes, and I kind of hate playing with babies (and yes, I do feel guilty saying that).
For the first few months of motherhood, I was too tired to imagine going back to work. By six months, I figured my baby was tough enough to spend some time outside of my presence. Then, suddenly my job satisfaction plummeted, I was over it.
I do not like being a Stay-at-Home mom. I want a sibling for my baby, but the idea of doing this again is making me second guess my desire.
When people learn that I stay at home, they usually say, “you are so lucky to be able to stay at home!” But what they don’t realize is that it’s not a choice for me. I think there are two camps of SAHM. Those who can afford to, and those who can’t afford not to.
A big part of my job is budgeting and purchasing. I work hard to make our books balance and we do find fun with a little creativity, low standards and a good sense of humor. I am not complaining about money. I just wish I was the one who got to leave the house.
Most days I feel like I am invisible to the rest of the world (especially during the winter when we are inside all day.) I try to get out of the house at least once a day– even a smile to the greeter at the grocery store gives me a boost to keep my spirits up. But, as a Have-to-Be SAHM, I can’t afford to do a lot of the things that would keep us entertained. I do visit with other moms, but I feel like I can’t be too clingy, and rely on any one person to fix my unhappiness.
I guess you could say I am jealous…
- When my husband cooks dinner or goes to switch over the laundry, our baby does not crawl after him whining to be picked up. When he wants to read a book, he reads a book.
- Not only does she not care as much about Dad’s attention, but he does not care as much about her whining noises. How is it that Dad can hear annoyance in a baby’s voice and say, “honey bear…” absently toward the infant, while it grates at my very soul?
- While dad is at work interacting with people, I am at home, just thinking of my friends and family, and wondering why they never text me.
- When dad gets home, he gets to be the good guy. He has the energy and excitement to play and make our baby really laugh. I feel like a bad mom as I slink back to our bedroom for a few uninterrupted minutes on my phone.
One time a grandmother told me, “you’ll never regret staying home with your kids.” I know for sure that I will never regret having my daughter. She has made my heart grow in a million ways, and our decision to have a child was definitely the right one. I have more self-love, I feel more connected to God, and I am more understanding of others, and have a more complex, yet wonderful relationship with my spouse.
I don’t regret having a baby, but right now, I wish I was the dad in this relationship.
