It’s often hard for me to remember what life was like before kids. Even though I’ve only been a parent for six years, it feels much more than that. Becoming a mother is something quite indescribable. It’s all-consuming. It becomes the hugest part of who you are as a person. You give up things for your children. While you become so much more of a person, you sometimes miss and lose pieces of yourself of who you were before kids.
Kids take center stage. At least, that’s how I feel. I’ve learned to adapt my schedule to their needs, as most parents have to do. And while you can’t explain this to someone until you experience it, your life truly does change once you become a parent. And it’s for the better, but it’s still a change.
This often leads me to wonder. Because my girls are such a ginormous part of my life, the reality is, they won’t always be. Sure, they’ll always be my kids. But, they will grow. They will grow into adults and require so much less from me.
And when I think about this, it saddens me.
Motherhood brings with it chaos and never-ending lists of things to do. It brings joy and tears, temper tantrums and sibling rivalry. It brings life to life.
It’s an umbrella of emotions. And what I’ve come to realize is, that while this is the most important time of my life – to raise good kids – it’s just the start of their life. They will grow, move on and become members of society, and their life will just be starting. And where will my life be? I will be forced to adapt to the new change. The change of them not being in my constant presence.
By the time my second is 18, I will be 54-years-old. I will be in the smack-middle of mid-age. My good, young years will be behind me. But for my kids, their good, young years have just begun.
So, what does my life look like when they’re grown? I see pictures of it in my mind. And I think how quiet, how empty my house will feel. I will be required to adjust to the new change once again, just like I had when I became a mother. The change they brought to my life will once again change to something else. Something less.
And up until recently, this made me sad. But then, it’s almost like the universe had a message for me.
I was at work the other day when an employee came to chat with me about retirement. She is in her 50s, has two girls in their 20s who have moved out of state. I couldn’t help but feel her excitement – she has a bright spirit – as we discussed all her travels plans she has this year. And her future plans about moving to Texas to be closer to her girls once she retires.
It was during our conversation I had an epiphany. And maybe it was because she lit up the room when she talked about her plans, maybe it was just her pure excitement about the thought of retirement, whatever it was … it made me hopeful. It made me excited for her and made me realize that though I have so much going on in my life right now with my kids, the pace will lessen, but the fun will never end.
The joy kids bring will never stop. Even though my life after kids will look and feel different, it doesn’t have to be sad. “Let them be little” and “enjoy them now” is something you hear all the time from others when you’re raising littles. And I remind myself of this because they will grow and only have the memories of their childhood. Those memories will be the meatiest part of my life and just a filling of theirs.
The sweet part is I will (God willing) be able to see them become mothers and do the exact same I did for them. I will be able to enjoy my grandchildren all the while enjoying the quiet in my home after they leave. I will get to enjoy dinners with my husband without having to get up and down at the dinner table. I will get to travel without the heavy mom guilt. I will get to do things just for myself once again, and with my husband, without worrying about time or the next thing on my mommy to-do list.
The circle of life. The circle changes, it has highs and lows, chaos and calm. I’m in the chaos of life now. One day there will be a calm, and I am excited to know it can be just as bright.
This is all so true. But there are many positive things to come too. They will grow to be a support system for you as well as friends.
Plus just wait until you have grandkids. That’s when the fun begins.
It’s interesting that almost all of the Google searches related to dealing with life in the empty nest are from women. Surprise! Men struggle too. A fun and fulfilling life in the nest isn’t by chance, it’s something you damn well better be crafting carefully in your 20s and 30s. Why? Read on for an example of what NOT to do.
I am a 60 year old male who got married at 20, spent my early years working my way up from career bottom and going to school at night to get 3 degrees so my family could “have”. My wife was a stay at home mom and my choice was to do everything in my power to be the best dad that I could be, the best husband, and an excellent provider. I was all of that and more, and it came with a heavy price years later. I was so focused on giving my wife the freedom to be a mom without having to work (which she chose and loved) and giving my two boys every opportunity to enjoy life (school, sports, clubs, whatever…) that I never focused on myself. I never had time for friendships of my own and didn’t have any relatives other than my mother. Fast forward many years later – my kids are grown, my wife started her career a few years ago (and each day comes home, eats, then goes to bed), and my two sons contact me once in a blue moon. Their lives now revolve around their significant other’s families. We all live in the same basic area and we haven’t had a visit in 3 years. My grandkids probably think my wife and I are their neighbors. The “other” set of grandparents get the visits and opportunities to babysit. I am essentially irrelevant. I contact them a few times a week to say hello, but rarely do they answer or if they do it’s a quick one word text or distracted conversation that ends within minutes. Their free time is spent with their own friends and new relatives. When they were kids we were thick as thieves – very close and did things together basically every day. I guess I overdid it – I was the giver…the utility…the ATM…and they never saw me as a person in my own right. It’s easy to disconnect from a utility.
My advice for young parents and especially young husbands/fathers? Do not be a martyr. Make friends and get out of the house regularly to do things YOU enjoy. Have activities that have nothing to do with your wife and kids. Be a little selfish now and then. You can still be a good man without propping everyone else up at your expense. This goes for moms AND dads. Let them MISS you once in a while – that appreciation might plant a seed that will keep you from becoming me 20 years from now. One day you may find yourself sitting alone in your empty nest with nothing but memories of how you made everyone else’s life awesome. That well-funded 401K isn’t going to ask you how your day was, invite you over, or keep you warm at night. It’s your life too…live it NOW, while you still can.