I feel like I’m in college all over again.
If you went away to a school where you didn’t know a single soul, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about here. That feeling of making new friends that is beyond nerve-racking.
I’m 32, college is just a few years behind me (ha), and I have a husband and an almost-one-and-a-half-year-old daughter now. Oh yeah, and I have a ton of incredibly wonderful friends.
But at this point in my life, it’s time to make … MOM FRIENDS.
And new moms: It’s a scary world out there.
As I start slowly putting Lucy into activities with other toddlers, I’m putting myself into situations where I don’t know a lot of the women who are also doing the same thing. Mind you, I have several friends and two sisters-in-law with kids, so I definitely already have a group of women in my life with whom I can share parenting experiences. But I’m finding that making NEW friends, mommy friends, is becoming a part of my weekly routine. And it’s really tough!
Lucy is in a swim class at Goldfish Swim School. She’s been there since she was 4-months-old, and she’s obsessed with the water now, which is amazing. There are about five other moms in the class as well, and every week I’m faced with the same anxieties running through my head:
Do they like me?
Are my boobs fully-covered in my swimsuit? (Don’t laugh. One time they made an appearance accidentally. Mortifying.)
Please Lord don’t let Lucy bite someone else’s kid.
Oh, my daughter splashed you and now your hair is soaking wet even though I know you wanted to keep it dry because you have plans after this? Eeek. So sorry!
Should I ask them out to lunch to talk about … mommy stuff? What if they say no? I’ll feel ridiculous!
I know I should just put on my big-girl pants and start an actual conversation with these women. They’re all probably thinking the same things. I’ve actually struck up a friendship with one of them recently, and we’re getting together next weekend. I’m pretty excited about it. And all it took was a little courage to just … be myself. Wow, imagine that!
Another great example: My husband, Andrew, recently got together with his collegiate lacrosse teammates to play a few games for a big tournament. He was having a field day catching up with old friends. I, on the other hand, was hyperventilating trying to figure out how to fit in with all of the players’ wives. They all had kids Lucy’s age running around, so it was a natural segway into striking up a convo with these women. But I froze, and started second-guessing every word that came out of my mouth, and every move that I made. I did this to the point where I contemplated paying one mom a compliment on her hair because I didn’t want to make it seem like I was trying too hard.
IT’S SO SILLY!
Why do we do this to ourselves? I’m laughing about it as I’m writing it.
My point: If you see another mom, especially a new/ newer mom, looking a little desperate for a “mom friend,” just say “hi.” It could be the beginning of a lifelong friendship : )
I have three kids, (7, 3, and 1 1/2 year old) and I can still relate you! I sat there and was laughing as I read your blog because it sounds like I could have published that post! New moms or experienced moms can still have the problem of interacting with other moms!
I have these same problems. I was a teen mom thougg so I have a 9,6, and almost 2 year old. And I definitely feel like the older mom’s are always judging me. But I have a very out going personality and strike up conversation easily and b usually the peoplw I think are judging me the most are the ones who turn out to be some of my best friends lol.
Hey Shannon! I listen to you guys every morning! Have since the show has been on 🙂 I love hearing about all of the shows parenting escapades. Now that I a patent I can really relate to them! Your words resonate with me. It seems for women when you have kids women friends stop asking you to do anything as if your world is only kid related. Men on the other hand have a little easier time maintaining their friendships since most men friends don’t assume things change until they experience it.
Even having friends with kids the same age it has been hard to get together with. We have been trying to spend time with other parents fr daycare since those are the people we see often and our kids are familiar with their kids. Now that we have it’s had our second kid less than a week ago, the dynamics will certainly change with those friends who only have one kid now.
We have talked about meeting other parent friends by joining social groups or meet up which is another way to meet people who want to do common things. It makes me sad to know that friendships change even with those who are newer parents but interests change when having kids both on the parents end just as much as with what the child wants to do. We love our friends but know that as our kids grow, so will our circle of friends. It is scary as meeting new friends is still as nerve wracking as it was when we were younger the do they like you does not go away we just only try less if the feeling becomes too overwhelming with them.
Great article! You are doing the right thing. It’s so healthy to meet new people and will make it easier for Lucy to do the same as she gets older, you are leading by example and she will benefit from your braveness one day too 🙂 Now if we could only find time to get out to make those new friends! Lol
Hi Shannon!! I can completely relate to this article! I’m 34 and a nanny for an absolutely adorable 5 month old in Birmingham who’s mom is a single mommy! I think both of us can completely relate, especially me since I am home for the majority of the time during the week. I would love to meet up in bham and talk nanny/mommy stuff as I know my employer would as well! I know she most definitely wants to start Goldfish, kinder music at the community house and perhaps Gymboree. Feel free to email me if you’d like to do a park play date!
Sounds like me! My boys are 6 & 5 and I still have fear about making friends with Moms. I’m shy and afraid of rejection, even at 30 lol.
I am totally with you on this one. I’ve seriously taken to the internet trying to find meetups and asking people from high school who have kids to have a play date.
It’s so much harder as a parent, it’s a judgemental and terrible place. Heaven forbid you want to discuss vaccinations or the cry it out method, luckily I have two and one year old girls so circumcision isn’t a discussion I even need to have. If you even so much as have a shred of confusion or act like you’re unhappy, even just situationally, you’re shredded apart by people who I’m sure feel the same- just need their lives to appear perfect to others.
We’re all moms and we’re all trying to be the best for our little people, let’s just be respectful and supportive of each other. We can’t all be the outcast- even though we all feel like it- who is the in-crowd in the first place?
I know the feeling! It’s like being in high school all over again. Just the other day we went to a local splash pad to play & I was so self conscious to be in my bathing suit around other moms that I made my husband do all the playing in the water with my son. I know I need to just get over it & enjoy the time, but geez, it is a lot harder than it looks!
There should be a daycare for moms, lol! Where moms get dropped off to socialize with other moms. Hahaha!
Oh my gosh! This is pretty much exactly how I am feeling these days. I have a 16 month old son and recently moved to the Birmingham area. I also have a sister with a little one and we love doing activities together, but I feel like I need to try and make some new friends that can relate, but also aren’t necessarily family. I have my little guy at Goldfish and have literally been thinking the exact same things you mentioned. I’ve been forcing my husband to stay back so that I can get in the pool try and meet new moms! ha! Wondering what other activities may be out there for moms who are figuring out this new life with children? I have always been a very social person, so this is a whole new dynamic. I feel like I want to put the pressure on my child to make new friends, so then it will hopefully make me new friends! I definitely am envious of the moms who have already found such a great circle of friends and am thankful for the ones that allow new moms into their group 🙂
I love this post Shannon! I struggled with this too when Lola was younger, but thankfully as she got older her bubbly personality made the other moms laugh, and made for easy conversation. I hope things get easier for you, but in the mean time, feel free to mommy talk with me work…or any other time! 😉
So. Incredibly. True. I have 3 kiddos, and I’m still learning that making Mom friends is sometimes really hard. I’ve been fortunate to meet some amazing women, but it’s not been without feeling that certain sense of stress & anxiety! I always remind myself to be the strong and confident woman that I know I am, because these are traits that I want my kids to see in me and adopt for and in themselves. Great read!