It happened.
I’m done nursing.
And I feel like rejoicing and crying all at the same time.
I don’t get it! Before I even gave birth to Lucy, I had a goal for myself: I was going to nurse for 6 months. That goal really came out of nowhere; I guess it was a combination of talking to my friends, reading blogs, and just trying to understand how long I wanted to be attached at the hip (or attached at the BOOB, technically!) to my new baby. The 6 months came and went, and as I approached month 7, I got lazy. I started skipping my “pumping sessions” here and there. Lucy got her first two teeth. Ouch. I stopped nursing and moved only to pumping. And then I took a few mini vacations and got laryngitis … Which meant I started making excuses to NOT pump.
Before I knew it, I had no milk in a matter of a days … and my boobs were FLAT. Like, whoa. Pancakes.
Anyway, I hate the feeling that I STILL have two weeks later: I feel like screaming “FREEEEDOM!” from the top of my lungs, but I also feel like a complete failure. My friend Jordin breastfed her baby until he was 18 months old. Lindsey is going strong, and her little girl is nearing her first birthday. Julie’s baby girl is only 2 months old, but she’s adamant that she is not doing any formula until Baby Ava is at least a year old.
And then there’s me. The lifelong overachiever, high-school valedictorian, “Miss Perfect”, definition of Type A … and breastfeeding Q-U-I-T-T-E-R.
Do any other moms feel this way? MY mom (who did not breastfeed me, nor either of my 2 sisters for the record) told me I should be proud. I know I should. I gave Lucy the BEST nutrition possible for 7 months. I was not afraid to whip out my boob in the Nordstrom Ladies Lounge. I proudly exclaimed, “I need to go pump!” every 3 hours at work. And I got a great feeling of satisfaction when I looked at all of the milk I had stored in my freezer.
Would love for you to share your thoughts!
P.S. I loved taking “pumping selfies.” Can you tell? I pumped in so many different places … including a JANITOR’S CLOSET at a nightclub during an appearance for my job!
Hi Shannon,
I feel your frustration. I also just stopped about a month ago (well, it wasn’t my choice…it was THEIRS) and I wasn’t sure if I should be happy or cry. People kept saying, “oh, good for you…you should be happy to be done”, but no I wasn’t. My son got it for 8 months, which I think is pretty impressive given the fact that I was also working full time and have a 2.5 year old to take care off too.
In the end, it is what it is. A year would have been great, but 8 months (or even 2 months) is better than nothing in my eyes. Any afford of giving your child the best will be better than not even trying at all. Lucy will be fine on formula.
Enjoy the drinks and ALL of the food again. 🙂
Why do we beat our selves up over this?? I felt the same way and have a similar situation. People always asked me how long do I plan to breastfeed. I would respond by saying “oh at least a year”. Not knowing ANYTHING about how hard it really is, and how it consumes your life. I referred to my self as milk mommy since I felt thats what I was to my 6 month old baby girl. After about 3 solid months of breastfeeding I started to say, ok my goal is to make it to 6 months. Then after returning to work, it just got worse. I wasnt producing enough, was stressing out all the time, which led to less production, and a downward spiral. I went to lactation consultants, made dr. appointments, and tried every trick in the book. I felt like I needed to do anything to EBF and not give any formula.
The only thing that worked…once I accepted that formula is OK and my baby is happier when well fed…my milk started to come back in. My baby is approaching her 6 month birthday and is a happy giggly adorable baby, which makes me a happy giggly mommy 🙂 We’ll see how much longer I can keep up breastfeeding/pumping but at this point I know I have done my best and there is nothing to be ashamed of!
My son, Emmerson, is 8 months old and I stopped nursing him about a month ago. I feel the same exact way. I’ve actually never commented on anyone’s page I don’t know, but you just said exactly everything that’s been going through my head. I had SO much milk, and I feel like a failure for letting myself stop! But he was becoming way too curious with everything around him and he was almost impossible to feed. Even in a quiet dark room with only us! I know I could have kept going, but like you said, the pumpings and feedings just slowly started dwindling down. You are not alone, and it’s good to know neither am I!
Hi shannon, my name is Kim and i had my first child a year and a half ago on May 29th 2013, the best day of my life!! I wanted to write you and tell you please don’t feel like a failure! You did the best thing for your daughter by choosing to breastfeed her in the first place. There’s mother out there who won’t even try. Being a single mother I only planned or thought I would be able to nurse up to 6 months with going back to work and not having free time to pump however my son proved me wrong. We made it up to 17 months. 🙂 I feel if you only make it up to 3 months, 6 months a year or more that’s an accomplish of its own. You did amazing job nursing and pumping those long 6 months!! BTW your daughter Lucy is absolutely beautiful…. loved the video of her baby laugh pulling your hair!!!
I could not have read this post at a better time! I’m currently struggling to keep up with my 4.5 month old who just bumped up an ounce. I pump while driving to and from work (!) and twice during work and I cannot manage to stay afloat. Every time I seem to catch up, she goes through a spurt where she wants to eat MORE! Not to mention, I am so incredibly sick of pumping!
I swear it’s my competitive edge, but with a 6 month goal too, I am determined to go longer to keep up with my mommy-friends… Why do we do this to ourselves?!
You are completely right. Be proud of all that you did! Way to go, momma!
Hi Shannon!!!
I breastfed my son for 8 months and cried and cried when I stopped…feeling like a failure. For months I had been fighting milk supply issues which then led to horrible anxiety attacks! The attacks were unbearable and I went to my doctor, who suggested I take Zoloft. I didn’t HAVE to stop nursing while taking the meds but I knew I needed to stop for the sake of my sanity and constant worry that I wasn’t making enough. Nobody in my family understood…since nursing back in the early 80s just wasn’t the thing to do (according to my mom). But anyways, I felt like I lost a part of me…it just wasn’t fair, when other friends and my sis in laws made more milk than anyone could ask for. I did everything right and still felt like a failure, only making it 8 months. But now….almost 4 yrs later, I am so incredibly proud of the 8 months I did have
I totally know where you are coming from, my son is 12 weeks on Monday and being a working mom, I already am getting that “ugh I don’t want to pump” feeling. I don’t mind breast feeding him when I’m with him on the weekends, but so much goes into pumping. I’ve also notice my supply start to decrease which makes me feel like a failure as a mom. I’m sure I will feel the same way as you when I eventually stop breast feeding: happy to not have to pump anymore but really sad and feeling like I’ve failed by no longer providing my baby boy with healthy nutrients. Thanks for this post! Glad to know I’m not the only mommy who feels this way! 🙂
You should be proud Shannon. You are not just “any” mom but a working mom and it can be very challenging to keep up on the pumping when you have so many other responsibilities. I’ve read that the first 6 weeks are essential but anything after is just gravy. I do know how you feel though. My first I nurses until she was 8 months bc I worked from home and even though she wasn’t with me, it was easier to pump. My second I only made it 4 months and felt like I failed her. I went back to work after 10 weeks and it was very difficult to get away twice a day to pump. But she is an extremely happy and healthy 2 year old now and I honestly don’t think an extra two or six months would have changed anything. Don’t worry and BE PROUD! Also- keep in mind every mom you know will do things differently. You will drive yourself crazy if you always compare yourself to others. Every single person situation and child will require different needs and as long as you make your decision based on what’s best for your situation and child then you’re making the right one regardless of other mom’s 🙂
I am also a new mommy to Rocco who is now 18 months old. I has a goal to try to make it to a year with him, and I think that I could’ve quit sooner, but he was not a big fan of food when we started introducing it to him. I took some supplements to help boost my supply and still tried to pump about twice during work. We had a pumping room at the hospital I worked so it made to easy to get away. I admit, I didn’t love nursing, it was so much harder than I thought, and Rocco was not a good sleeper and liked to comfort nurse, but I was able to wean him off the boob after a year. (We are just finally able to wean him off the bottle at night before bed! That’s another mommy guilt moment for me.) But yes, it was so LIBERATING when he was weaned off the boob and drinking real milk. So I totally get your mixed emotions about feeling excited, but at the same time sad that we no longer have that bonding experience 🙂
You did great, congrats!!! As a working mom myself, I did the same and stopped at about 6 1/2 months. I look at it as a HUGE accomplishment and get it when u say FREEDOM, yay!:) The only downfall I see now is that my boobs are as flat as pancakes too, such a bummer! I guess full boobies were the one added bonus we got for all of our hard work & effort!