Trigger warning: This post contains descriptions of child molestation.
I was about seven years old when my family was leaving for a vacation. We lived in the city and had hired a cab to drop us off at the bus station. I vividly remember fighting with my younger brother to sit in the front window seat of the cab but losing the battle, which ended up with me sitting next to an elderly cab driver. I grudgingly sat in the old cab, which did not have bucket seats.
The cab driver was talkative and welcomed me to sit next to him. Little did I know, he had other ideas and wanted to touch and feel me inappropriately. When the ride began, it started with pressing my chest gently and then doing it harder and then moving down to my thighs. I was shocked and didn’t know how to react.
I was screaming internally for help and tried to look at my parents in the backseat but couldn’t convey my agony. Did I have the courage to tell my parents? No, because I didn’t know how they would react. Will they get mad at me? Will they scold the driver? Will they cancel our trip?
I was scared and started crying but the cab driver didn’t stop. The ride finally ended, and I jumped out–with my childhood innocence left behind.
Nothing changed for others but in one ride, I became aware of my body and the ugliness of the world.
At the age when girls look up to elders for guidance, my vision had blurred. I realized that protecting my body needed to be my number one priority from that day on. Nobody talked about it before or taught me this, but I learned it the hard way. Up until now, it still bothers me . . . why wasn’t I educated about this from an earlier age? Why didn’t my mother give me some idea that something like this could happen?
It’s been 30 years now, but these memories stay with me even though the years have passed. The trauma, the feelings, the emotions, the helplessness . . . it doesn’t go away with time but subsides in a little corner of your heart. It surfaces when you empathize with someone going through similar emotions or when you want to protect your loved ones.
So the next time your child seems uncomfortable hugging or kissing someone–even if it is a family member–I would encourage you to let them be.
Take this as a sign to talk to them about their body, their private parts, their safety, inappropriate touching, and what they should do if they find themselves in such situations. The biggest thing as a parent is to educate, listen to, and support your child.
Personally, when my child was about four years old, I started educating him about the exact names of the private body parts. I told him why someone touching them is inappropriate and that if anyone tries to do that, he doesn’t need to be submissive but to create a ruckus. Inform another adult or teacher, scream, shout, run, but to not be a victim as his mother was.
Another thing that I reiterate is the policy of “no secrets.”
We give him space to tell us everything and if anyone tells him to keep a secret and to not tell the parents, that is not allowed. As he is growing, he will understand that not everybody has the best intentions. Nonetheless, as a parent I feel the responsibility to arm him up with knowledge that he will have in case he faces such a situation in the future.
With that said, I will not be the one to hug your little ones or give them a kiss or tickle them until it becomes a laughter riot without their permission. My own trauma stops me from that. That little girl in me doesn’t want anyone to go through those emotions and will not do anything to make them uncomfortable.
April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Child Abuse Prevention Month.
Here are some resources:
- Child Molestation Prevention
- Child Welfare Information Gateway: National Child Abuse Prevention Month
- National Sexual Assault Hotline (Hours: Available 24 hours): 1-800-656-4673
- National Sexual Violence Resource Center
- Prevent Child Abuse America
- RAINN Safety Support for Parents
