DISCLAIMER: The following post outlines the writer’s personal tips for anxiety. It is not intended to act as medical advice. As always, please consult your doctor with any questions about anxiety.
Do you have a parenting hurdle you’re working through? If so, “The Parenting Post” is for you! One of our writers, Albiona, has been answering all of YOUR parenting questions over on IG, and we’ve turned her series into blog posts on our website as well. We just can’t get enough of her helpful advice, and we thought you’d appreciate it, too!
Her videos cover a wide variety of parenting questions–honestly, anything and everything! If it’s something you’re wondering, there’s a really good chance that another parent in our community is struggling with it, too. And Albiona is here to help!
This week, she’s focusing on all the fresh feelings that can come with a new school year. How do we help our kids feel less anxious about going back to school? Well, it starts with us: the parents. So the real question is, how can we help ourselves with back-to-school anxiety, so that how we feel can trickle down to our kids and keep them feeling at ease, too?
How do we help our kids feel less anxious about going back to school?
Anxiety comes in many forms. Your child might be having moments where things feel challenging. Or, they could feel really anxious or nervous about their school day or taking a test. Parents have a huge hand in this, but not in the way that we would think. A lot of times what we think to do is to try to calm our kids and really build them up, praise them, and let them know that everything’s okay. We reassure them. And doing those things is important.
But with back-to-school anxiety, there is sort of a direct connection between how a parent is presenting themselves and how their child is feeling. How much anxiety do you have around your child’s performance at school? How much anxiety do you have letting go and watching your child go through the school day without you? In school, kids might feel pressure around test scores, testing, and grading. There’s a lot that’s really stressing them out already.
The problem is, I think we are just as anxious and just as stressed about grades and end results. And because our kids are so observant, they are picking up on that anxiety that we have around a possible fail or bad grade. So children have all this pressure when they’re going into school because they feel that we’re waiting to see how they’re going to do.
To start, try to be a little more self-reflective.
Think about what it all really means–the grading and test scores. For example, if your child was not getting really great grades and test scores, what would that look like for you? Could you detach from that idea if that’s who they’re supposed to be?
When I used to go to my kids’ elementary school conferences, often the teacher was prepared and excited to talk about their progress. She had all of their report cards and test scores ready and waiting. But I was more concerned with who they were in school. Do they raise their hand and participate? Do they help a child who’s struggling? Are they respectful of other kids? Are they mindful? Those were the things I wanted to know.
It didn’t concern me what their test scores were. Or, whatever the sort of end result that they were looking to share with me was. This might not be effective for every single parent, but it was really important to me that I laid that groundwork out for my kids: that there was so much more in the process, and I wasn’t going to put all this time into worrying about what the end result was.
Remember that each child is working through their own unique process.
My kids are older now, and they’re both great students. So it’s not to say that our kids have to be scared and afraid that if they are not doing well at school, some terrible thing will happen. I think we just really need to let it unfold and get comfortable with the idea that our kids are also in their own process. When a parent dials down their anxiety level around performance at school, their child’s anxiety level starts to come right down too. They’re pretty connected. So consider your own role in that process.
And, remember to be aware of how you are presenting your feelings when things don’t go according to plan. If your child says they didn’t do great on a test or assignment, they feel whatever your first initial reaction is–even if you’re trying to conceal it. So be very aware of how you’re presenting in that moment. It’s really important that we’re not piling on the pressure around that end result. Don’t forget about the process to get there.
Kids are always learning. They are always developing a test score. A grade is not indicative of how well your child learns or whether they can or can’t learn. Think of yourself in that process. Let your kids know that at the end of the day, it is really connected to the process. They want to make sure they’re doing right by you. They want to make sure that they’re achieving the things they’re supposed to achieve. But let’s reframe that a little so we can talk to them about how there is so much more in this world, and an A or a B or a perfect score or no mistakes doesn’t have to be the end goal.
