Do you have a parenting hurdle you’re working through? If so, “The Parenting Post” is for you! One of our writers, Albiona, has been answering all of YOUR parenting questions over on IG, and we’ve turned her series into blog posts on our website as well. We just can’t get enough of her helpful advice, and we thought you’d appreciate it, too!
Her videos cover a wide variety of parenting questions–honestly, anything and everything! If it’s something you’re wondering, there’s a really good chance that another parent in our community is struggling with it, too. And Albiona is here to help!
This week, she’s focusing on our kids and their friendships No matter the age, how can we support our kids as they make and maintain friendships? How can we help them set boundaries within friendships? Keeping an open dialogue with our kids is key, but it’s so much more than just talking–our actions need to speak louder than our words.
How do we help our children navigate friendships + setting boundaries?
If kids are younger, I think sometimes, in all fairness, parents tend to get too involved. What ends up happening is that we project a little bit of how we feel within our friendships, into what our own kids are experiencing within theirs.
When a child is younger, the friendships are fleeting and there isn’t a lot of personal investment in that, and they’re not looking to hurt anyone’s feelings. This is the kid who comes home after school and says something like, “Oh my gosh, I have a new best friend!” And you ask their name, and your child doesn’t even know it. Especially for those younger ages, everyone’s a best friend. That is part of the nature of a child–to be curious, to want to know about everybody, to play with everybody.
However, what we want to highlight for kids is in the event that somebody isn’t being kind to them, to make sure that they have a way of speaking up and saying, “That’s not nice,” or “I don’t like that,” or having a plan in place of how to respond. The best way to do this is to keep an open dialogue with your younger child about some of those interactions that are happening at school.
For Younger Kids: Storytelling
If you see that your child seems to have a little bit of a problem with one of the kids at school, talking to your child about something similar that you experienced and how you laid certain boundaries could help. Instead of saying, “You need to tell ____ no,” you can say, “Wow, that’s really interesting. I remember one time when I was younger, somebody wasn’t being so nice to me too, and I remember it felt bad, but then I said something to them and they actually said they were sorry. And after that, we became friends.”
Storytelling with younger children is a really great way to embed a solution or a way to work through a challenge, without necessarily being super directive. And it’s also a nice way to exercise empathy, because your child is recognizing that you understand the feeling that they’re having.
For Older Kids: You’re Not For Everyone (And Not Everyone is For You)
As kids start to get older, it’s really important to highlight this point: they’re not going to be friends with everyone, and not everyone has to be friends with them. This can get a little sticky, though. Kids often think that they have to be liked by everybody, and if somebody doesn’t like them, they don’t feel accepted, and that’s where their self worth is attached.
We are better off showing up for our kids in a way where we can say kindness and respect are necessary, whether we’re very close friends with them or they’re just someone we run into once or twice. And, we can also remind our children not to worry if someone doesn’t find them to be the person that they want to be great friends with. It doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with them, or that other person.
Our children are going to find people as they get older and as they have different classes and see that some people are really good friends with them, and some people might not be, and that’s okay. We want to highlight and normalize the idea that not everyone has to be our friend and that they don’t have to be a friend to every single person.
For Tweens + Teens: Navigating Cliques With Dialogue
It does get a little trickier with tweens and teens because cliques start to show up in school. The best way to navigate this with your children is by modeling good boundaries within yourself. Mothers in particular have a hard time setting a boundary with themselves, like being able to say “No” to something that they want to say no to, and saying “Yes” to the things that they want to say yes to. Modeling that in your home is going to be really key. Then, have some really honest conversations with your kids about it.
You might say something like, “You know what? That felt so hard for me. My whole life I’ve always said yes to things, even though deep down I didn’t want to. And I just started saying no to things the other day, and it felt really good. And actually, the person didn’t even feel upset with me when I said no. So I just wanted to share that with you.” Dialogue is so important in this instance. We are able to take these experiences, learn what we can learn from it, and then impart some lessons on our kids about it. It really can go a long way in helping them to navigate friendships as they grow and mature.
Navigating and managing our own friendships as an adult can be hard enough–and it can be difficult to watch our children navigate their own. However, through modeling and reminders, our kids will develop those friendships that are sure to last for many years to come.
