This month, in the spirit of giving, I am allocating my usual writing spot to a special guest writer: my 15-month-old son, Grayson! While his verbal skills so far have been limited to “Mama”, “Dada”, “Yesh” (he went to the Sean Connery School of Speech) and the various beastly grunting sounds he makes while making deposits in his diaper, I am sure we will find his writing skills more than up for this challenge!
Hello! I’m Grayson and I’m here to help explain to you what your baby/toddler really wants in 2018! I know you think you know what your child wanted for the holidays, but guess what: It wasn’t that reindeer sweater you got them.
Here are the top 10 things (5 tangible gifts & 5 experience gifts) that I really want to get my chubby little fingers on or achieve this year. Please keep these in mind for future holidays, birthdays or when I spontaneously meltdown for no plausible reason whatsoever.
Gift Items
Socks
I always hear you adults complaining about what an awful gift socks make for Christmas or birthdays. Why? They’re awesome! The tiny little portable, wearable entertainment devices are so much fun to pull off my feet and put in my mouth or wave around like a flag. Heck, pulling socks off the feet of the other babies in daycare is fun too! It’s my way of giving back so you have the fun activity of sifting through the pile of hosiery to find mine when you come pick me up. And they taste great too!
If possible, please get me a multi-pack with assorted flavors and colors!
Cell Phones
I’m talking about those shiny handheld devices that light up and play all my favorite videos and songs and lets me video chat with mommy when she’s at work. And just to clarify, I will not be fooled by one of the little plastic imitation versions – I was not born yesterday! I know the ones that say Fisher Price are deactivated, won’t let me access your Facebook and don’t taste anywhere near the same as the real thing.
Bubbles
Those mesmerizing elusive spheres of mystery that evade my grasp despite my best efforts. Why do they task me so? I’d just like to catch one and not have it pop – is that possible? And then maybe bat it around about a hundred times and see what it taste like.
Portable entertainment system (Kleenex box)
OMG, these things are awesome! No matter how many I withdraw from the magical box, more keep appearing for me continuously throw aimlessly on the floor. And you get the fun of picking up all these magical quadratic snowflakes after me. What an awesome “baby bonding” activity! Talk about a win-win situation! Plus, they make a tasty snack – you really don’t have to come and pull them out of my mouth anytime I try to eat them.
Noses
I don’t care whose. Regardless of size, width, cosmetic appearance, I want to collect them all for my collection. Lift me up anywhere near your face to smother my chubby cheeks with kisses anytime. All you are really doing is bringing my prey closer to my tight grasp. Bonus if the noses have eyewear for me to grasp as well!
Experiences
Experience what lies beyond the gate
I would like to explore the exotic realm that lies beyond the impenetrable gate that keeps me sequestered within my designated play area. What mysteries await me in the hallway that have yet to be discovered? I wish to don a fedora and arm myself with a leather whip and explore the unknown rooms of the house. What possible mischief could I get myself into?
Anything that is just out of arm’s-reach
I am not sure exactly what is on top of the table just out of my plump little hand’s reach, but I know I want it! It’s the thrill of the hunt. Like when you drag me along to go “antiquing” on the off chance you will come across an end table that once belonged to Jebediah Springfield or a saucer once used by Martha Washington. (Small hint: Even I know if there is a “made in China” sticker on the back, it is probably not authentic.)
Trips to the magical land of lights and spinners
Remember when I was Colicky and you would take me to the enchanted world of magical lights and spinning wonders? I heard you refer to it to mommy as the “ceiling fan aisle in Home Depot.” I miss that experience.
The blissful tranquility of gazing up at the spectacle of illumination and motion was always able to calm me down enough that I could drift off into a pleasant slumber . . . until we got back home.
Open a drawer without being told “No”
The cool feel of the ergonomically designed metal handle as it cradles itself between my chubby fingers. The smooth action of the sliding mechanism as I pull the mystifying drawer towards me. What wonders await me inside? I just need to know!
Think of it as testing boundaries if you like. I prefer to think of it as refusing to let my inner adventurer be stifled by physical boundaries. You don’t want to suppress my spirit of curiosity, do you (I ask with a sheepish grin and halo over my head)?
Time with the cat (without him running in fear after a few seconds)
Just a few moments to pet him, hug him and show how much I love and appreciate him. Obviously, by “appreciate” I of course mean pulling some fur out in clumps whilst I squeal with delight. I am not asking for the world here. It’s not like I’m asking you to armor up the kitty in battle gear and a saddle so I can ride into adventurous battles the same way He-Man would ride his faithful friend Battle Cat.
Actually, yes. That is exactly what I am asking because you know that would be all kinds of awesome and I would make a much cuter He-Man than Dolph Lundgren ever could.
While I did appreciate the light up cars, stuffed animals and board books (these are a few of my favorite things) I received for my birthday and holidays this year, the list above represents my true gift desires for my immediate future.
Well now that we have that out of the way, who wants to change my diaper?
