Everybody fantasizes about having super powers from time to time. And while the power of flight, x-ray vision or super strength would be fun (and awesome abilities to have in bold print on a resume), they’re not necessarily the powers that would come in most handy on a daily basis.
Except flight of course. It would be great to spend less time parked on I-696 during rush hour.
Here are my TOP 5 Parenting Super Powers
Toddler Vision – You know when you think you have the room successfully child-proofed but then they come toddling up to you with a pen cap, AAA battery or a switch-blade that they found? Usually while your in-laws or your team from work are over for dinner.
How!?! How can their superhuman telescopic vision spot something like a paper clip that is underneath the couch from across the room in the dark? Or that box of facial tissue you think shouldn’t be an issue…
I’d love to able to turn on toddler vision to find and clear away every dangerous object, microscopic clump of cat hair, or crumb of food that my toddler can shove in his mouth the exact instant I turn my head.
The Toddler Ability To Reprogram A Remote Control – All little ones love playing with cell phones and remote controls. It’s amazing how intuitive it is for their chubby little hands. With Lil’ G-Man, it got to the point where we decided to give him an old cable remote control we found in the basement (with batteries removed of course).
Yet somehow, he was able to use this decade old Comcast remote to program our current Dish Network DVR. I had no idea why my wife had taped 20 episodes of C-SPAN and turned on closed captioning in Spanish until we realized it was the toddler. (or my wife is messing with me as payback for Valentine’s Day gift)
Wither way, with his programming skills, he could probably find a way to hack into Skywalker Ranch to get the script for Star Wars Episode IX…and make a few changes!
Baby Nail Resistant Skin – Soldiers in our military go into combat wearing body armor composed of a high tech blend of Kevlar and dense ceramic plates called Dragon Scale. It can protect the wearer against bullets, shrapnel and even knives.
But I am sure baby nails would tear through Dragon Scale as if it were 1-ply toilet paper at the local Taco Bell.
Side note: There are very few things that I question the purpose of existing, but 1-ply toilet paper is one of them.
Baby nail resistant skin would also help me avoid those awkward looks thrown my way from people when my arms look they had been ravaged by a rabid wolverine.
The Ability To Withdraw 1 Diaper Wipe At A Time – This may sound like a simple feat, but it is no easy achievement to unlock. It takes advanced ninja-like wrist movements combined with Jedi-like focus of the mind that takes years to master. This triumph is usually not achieved until the toddler is out of diapers.
But even a broken watch can be right twice a day. I am proud to say I have actually accomplished this incredible stunt once! Unfortunately for me however, it was during the poop-megeddon of all diapers that actually required nearly a full package of diaper wipes, resulted in two onesies being thrown away and mental damage that may never be undone! (Don’t worry, no pictures were taken)
Get The Kid To Take A Darn Nap! – Getting a toddler to take a nap is like trying to level up in one of my wife’s role playing video games. You know how in order for Link to level up in Zelda, he needs the proper sword, shield, gems, mana level, arrows and so on?
Well that is like trying to get my toddler to take a nap. He requires the perfect algorithm of lighting, white noise, cuddling, bedtime story combined with his favorite pacifier and the correct number of ounces of milk. It is a delicate process that I have yet to accomplish in under 30 minutes, much less master.
What super-parent skill do you wish you possessed?
