We got pregnant with Baby #1 on the second try. How lucky were we? My husband joked and said he was ripped off, it was just too easy to get pregnant with our first child. When I originally went to the doctor to start planning for Baby #2, I was cautiously advised that due to my age and weight I would be considered a high risk pregnancy. I was also told it could take up to a year to get pregnant. I basically laughed it off like, “ok thanks for the cautionary tale, I’ll be back in 7 weeks with a positive test.” I had gotten pregnant so quickly last time and didn’t think there was even a chance I would have an issue. “They probably just have to tell everyone that” I told myself. I started googling “pregnant over 30”, found plenty of articles to support my theory that it would happen and I waited for that Aunt Flow to roll into town so we could get to work.
But that steady period that came like clockwork for all of those years went crickets on me. Nothing, okay weird. And then nothing again. And again. I naively assumed maybe I was pregnant and was getting a false negative test, but nope. All of a sudden I had an irregular cycle with no indication why it was happening. Had I changed anything? Not a single thing.
My doctor put me on Provera to jump start my cycle and I was so happy when it started working right away. I watched my ovulation tracker, did the deed on the right days and BINGO, I was pregnant. I started planning the holiday reveal for my family, I was seriously over the moon. It had actually worked.
A few weeks later I started spotting, I hoped it was just a fluke, but the next day it was very obvious what was happening. I was losing this pregnancy and I was heartbroken. A blood test and an ultrasound later, it was confirmed. I asked when we could try again and the doctor told me to take my time and call when I felt “ready”. Who knows what that actually meant? I understand the message she was trying to get across, but I wanted to try again as soon as I could and wasn’t sure how I would know when I was “ready” to try again.
I had a few more months in a row of the “am I pregnant” or “have I stopped ovulating” game. The same thoughts keep running through my mind and I keep talking myself out of the reasons it’s been so hard. No, I didn’t wait too long for another baby…did I? We’ve ruled out any of the obvious conditions I could potentially have. Stress doesn’t help, so I try to just stay positive and do whatever is next.
I share this because I see plenty of articles about miscarriages, rainbow babies and moving on after loss. What I haven’t been able to find, which would’ve been so helpful to me is an article like this that talks about what those middle months can be like. Many women experience what I have and go on to have healthy babies. Many women go on to suffer more loss, many keep trying and many go through much more involved forms of treatments to try to get pregnant. I don’t have the best of it or the worst of it. What I do have is hope. This will be my month, or at least my year.