“You can’t pour from an empty cup. Self-care isn’t selfish. You have to put your own oxygen mask on before you can help others.”
Let’s be honest–these statements, while well intentioned, are quite unhelpful to a mother in the throes of raising children. I, for one, am in a constant state of feeling like I’m behind (hello, laundry pile on the couch). Being reminded that I need to take time for myself does not help me actually make time for myself. It just adds another thing to my mountainous to do list.
It wasn’t until I was introduced to the concept of “real self-care” that I finally connected self-care as something that could improve my life. It’s not little luxuries that only help temporarily. Real self-care is doing the more difficult things that set you up for a life that consistently gives you fulfillment.
What We’re Sold
The current pop-culture meaning of self-care raises images of face masks, luxurious massages, and clinking mimosa glasses with girlfriends. It has moved away from the initial well-meaning message that women deserve to care for themselves as well as others. According to The Center for Community Solutions, the concept of self-care was actually initiated in the healthcare field in the 1960s and by Black activists in the 1970s.
However, by the 2010s, with the dawn of social media, the term self-care took on a new, more commodified meaning. Faced with glossy images of women seemingly living their best lives, women are influenced to believe they can buy their way toward feeling better.
This is commodified wellness, or, as author Pooja Lakshmin calls it in her book Real Self-Care: A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness (Crystals, Cleanses, and Bubble Baths Not Included), “faux self-care.” It sells us the message that we can buy our way to wellness. Lakshmin explains this as well, reminding us that faux self-care places the healing responsibility on women, rather than looking at the way things are and figuring out what needs to be fixed and changed for the better.
What Real Self-Care Is
Ultimately, “faux self-care” methods are things that help us escape from life temporarily. However, what we really need, is to do the deep inner work necessary to create a life we don’t need to regularly escape from.
As Brianna West writes, “Self-care should not be something we resort to because we are so absolutely exhausted that we need some reprieve from our own relentless internal pressure. True self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from.”
It’s Different for Everyone
Of course, this looks different for every woman depending on her circumstances. It might mean a variety of things, such as:
- Setting boundaries with family members for things like holiday gatherings so you don’t run yourself ragged
- Deciding you don’t care what the other PTA moms think, you’re bringing store-bought cupcakes for Teacher Appreciation Week
- Putting up with a crying child in a stroller while you take your daily walk outside because you know the fresh air and movement will put you in a better mood
- Choosing not to put your kid in another extracurricular activity (or any at all!) because the busy schedule stresses you out
- Sweating through another exercise class because you know it will benefit your health in the long-term (not because you want to be able to tag that fancy yoga studio in your selfie after class or lose weight for your sister’s wedding)
- The list goes on and on . . .
What do these all have in common? They require taking the difficult action to set yourself up for a life that is sustainable. In the moment, they may not be pretty, but in the long-term, they keep you from burning out. This is exactly why we need to start prioritizing this kind of care for ourselves. And as Lakshmin explains while talking about her book on the Ezra Klein Show: when you practice real self-care, you not only take care of yourself, but you can also plant the seeds for change in your community.
What Real Self-Care Looks Like for Me
In my own life, real self-care has a lot to do with being my most authentic self. For years, I learned how to wear the right mask in the right situation. I would show up as people wanted to see me. That took me far away from my true self and left me exhausted and clinically depressed.
Piece by piece, I’ve worked out how to stop doing that. Instead, I show up as my authentic self all the time. Someone who has strong values that guide her day-to-day decision making. It looks like sitting down and making a household budget because I want to pay the premium for food at the organic farm down the street from my house in line with my value of supporting local. It looks like moving through guilt when I tell my daughter I can’t be at her gymnastics meet because I have a work commitment in line with the value I place on work outside the home and the impact it makes in the world.
Do I indulge in the occasional massage and do I absolutely love buying fancy candles to treat myself? Absolutely! But I also understand the important distinction between treating myself and the hard work of real self-care.
