My house will have a high school senior, a sophomore, and a seventh grader in a few weeks. Even as I put it in writing, I find my current reality hard to wrap my head around. It’s a perfect example of “the years are short but the days are long!”
I find myself nostalgic as the first day of school creeps closer and closer. I’m also reflecting on all that I’ve learned ushering three very different kids through that first day of middle school.
Below is the advice I wish I had when my oldest started middle school many years ago.
The Biggest Myth About The Middle School Transition
The myth: Switching classes and having multiple teachers is always a difficult change.
The reality: Getting up and moving your body periodically during school can help to increase focus and attention. Therefore, students with shorter attention spans may benefit from physically moving classrooms for each subject. Even students with strong focus and attention skills may enjoy learning from a variety of teachers with different styles.
Sometimes a teacher is not a good fit for a student’s learning style. As a trained teacher myself, I know how hard our educators work to meet the various needs in their classrooms. However, even with a hard-working student and a hard-working teacher, sometimes personalities clash. This can lead to a long and frustrating school year in elementary school.
While these personality clashes happen in middle school as well, students aren’t typically with a teacher for more than a subject or two. The opportunity to connect to multiple teachers daily means a much higher likelihood for our preteens to connect with a teacher they truly enjoy.
The Middle School Transition Advice I Wish I Had
Avoid the power struggle.
There is a reason that middle schoolers are often referred to as preteens or tweens. Much like teenagers, our middle schoolers are starting to exert their independence. Even our “big kids” don’t have much choice in their day. They have to go to school, wake up early, go to classes that don’t always interest them . . . and the list goes on. Therefore, our tweens will try to regain some control in other, often annoying ways.
With my oldest child, I remember approaching “the battle of the winter coat” in what I felt was a sound and logical way. I unilaterally mandated that a coat be worn when the temperature hit a certain degree. Unfortunately, this parenting technique led to many morning battles and more coat-throwing than coat-wearing.
One day I had had enough and decided to try a different approach. I finally asked myself how I would approach this as a professional working with a parent. I realized that I would ask the parent if this was an opportunity to allow their child to safely make their own decision. Sometimes, learning through logical consequences can be most powerful.
The truth was, my sixth grader spent most of her day indoors. She didn’t have outside recess and was lucky enough to have the bus stop yards away from our home. Yes, Michigan winter temperatures are often uncomfortably cold–but they’re not always “risk of frostbite” cold. Therefore, I stopped begging her to wear a coat. I made suggestions, but avoided power struggles. Over time, she realized that at least packing a fleece in her backpack would keep her from needlessly being uncomfortable if the bus was late.
Prep for homework now.
As a therapist and ADHD Coach, I work with many middle schoolers. The main struggle that comes up in my office again and again is homework. Homework battles tend to be one of the biggest sources of friction between tweens and their parents.
Many students are required to use an assignment notebook in elementary school. Many schools even provide them. Teachers often guide them through how and when to use this useful tool.
An unfortunate reality of most middle school schedules is that there isn’t a dedicated time in each class for this important life skill to continue to be taught. There is an upside, however, to the fact that the school no longer mandates a uniform assignment notebook: your new middle schooler now gets a chance to experiment with what works best for them! Remember: tweens love choices and autonomy!
I suggest taking your middle schooler with you to browse through all of the options for planners/assignment notebooks at the store. Do they want a planner that shows the whole week at a time or do they need more space and would do best with each page representing just one day? Maybe they would prefer a blank notebook so that they can format it any way they’d like. Maybe they’d rather find a template online and then print copies as needed to go in a folder or binder.
Don’t forget to enjoy your tween.
Yes, raising a middle schooler can be tough! However, some major positives come along with this phase of parenthood. I remember realizing for the first time that my oldest could make her siblings dinner all by herself. Now by “dinner”, I mean Easy Mac or a bowl of cereal, but it still counts. Some middle schoolers are mature enough to stay home alone or even babysit their younger siblings at this age as well. This was a huge milestone and money saver for us.
Another special thing about middle schoolers is that they begin to figure out who they are and what they are good at. They can be so passionate about their interests. I have loved seeing my tweens light up as they talk about their sports, performances, and clubs.
As a busy family of five, time alone with each child is rare and most often happens in the car on the way to an activity or appointment. As each of my kids became old enough to sit next to me in the front seat, it has opened up an opportunity for so many great conversations and interactions.
Sometimes I’d let them play car DJ and share their favorite new music. I may not always like it, but, I did enjoy our conversations about pop culture and their interests. Other times that sacred window of uninterrupted time was when we had the “big talks” about complicated social situations or current events. Either way, I remember a distinct change with each of my kids somewhere in the tween years as our conversations became more complex and I got a sneak peek into who they were becoming.
The Biggest Lesson I Have Learned
The biggest parenting lesson I have learned, and continue to learn over and over again, is quite simple: every child is different! I know it sounds terribly cliché, yet it’s easy to forget. For one child middle school can be a tough transition and for the next, it can be a welcomed blessing. So instead of getting caught in a cycle of anxious thoughts about the worst that could happen, I try my best to take it one day at a time and one kid at a time. I remind myself to do smart things to prepare (like my assignment notebook advice above).
I also remind myself that even with the best preparation, I can’t avoid all of the tough things that come along with change. This takes the pressure off me to meet some unrealistic standard of perfect parenting and instead, it allows me to follow my tween’s lead.
