As I nurse my seven-month-old, I listen to my older two daughters argue over whose turn it is to have the “special fork” for lunch. I know in a few hours I’ll be nursing again and will probably help my daughters work through about 100 more arguments. Adding child number three to our family has not been as easy of a transition as I expected it would be. I thought I was prepared; I mean, it isn’t my first rodeo. I knew there would be good days. And I knew some days would bring me to my knees. I have an incredible support system to lean on and am not afraid of sharing my feelings. My days are filled with everything that goes along with being a mother. And while I love my children, somewhere in the midst of it all, I feel like I’ve lost myself in motherhood.
One day my MIL came over to watch our daughters, so I could help my husband with some home improvements, something I hadn’t been able to do since we added our third daughter to the family. I remember telling him something along the lines of, ” It was so nice to have someone else watching our daughters. It reminds me that I was more than a mom.” He kinda looked at me like I’d grown a second head.
It’s a hard feeling to explain, especially to those who haven’t been there. As a SAHM who spends all day (and parts of the night) with my daughters, I’ve started to realize my own identity seems to be fading. Thoughts race through my head:
My own blog has been neglected for far too long.
I haven’t sewn in ages.
When’s the last time I developed a recipe?
Where is my drive to be creative?
I used to love to read; I should really pick up a book.
When will I feel like me again?
Prior to baby #3, I loved to inspire others through projects, as well as share my thoughts and feelings on my blog, A Sprinkle of Joy. Even when I had the two kids, I still had that drive to create and invent. I was excited to connect with other bloggers. I had lists of projects I wanted to do, clothes I wanted to sew, and recipes I wanted to make. But now, my creativity is at a 0.0, and I miss that part of me. It’s like I’ve lost the other hats I wear, and the only left is mother.
I wish I had some awe-inspiring revelation to share with you, but, unfortunately, I don’t. I’m in the thick of it now and just taking it day by day. In the meantime, I’ll share what I am going to start doing, so I don’t completely lose myself:
- Create a Pintrest Vision board of things I can create
- Host play dates, so I can get some adult conversations in
- Ask someone to come over and watch my daughters, so I can attempt to ignite my creative spark without interruptions
All I can do is weather the storm and take one day at a time. Because after it passes, there’s bound to be a rainbow.
