It crept up on me last summer. My neighbor’s grandson was visiting for the season. He happened to be of a similar preschool age as my children. “Wonderful!” was my first reaction. “A new friend for the summer!” I told my kids. They spent their first play-date laughing, running around the yard and enjoying our new swing-set. I stayed outside with my kids, per usual. My neighbor sat on her deck watching, but mostly drank her coffee, read the newspaper and chatted on her phone.
At first, I didn’t think much about it. I was busy watching all the kids, plus I was thrilled that my kiddos were having a great time. However, after a few days of play, I started to get annoyed. The inevitable kid squabbles had begun…..you know, the typical little people ones over toys and taking turns, or pitched fits because “he got the blue shovel and I got the red one”. And a little rivalry had begun to ensue between my youngest and our new friend: basically, our new buddy didn’t like to share. I get it – sharing is hard for preschoolers. But I’m not overly fond of disciplining or instructing other peoples’ children. Plus I was playing the role of consummate referee – a role that I don’t relish, even when the argument is solely between my own kids. I was starting to feel like a babysitter. An unpaid one. Moreover I was baffled: why wasn’t this kid being supervised?
My neighbor is a very nice lady, so I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. She certainly had the physical capability of keeping up with her little guy, but maybe something else was going on:
- Maybe Grandma wasn’t yet acclimated to the craziness of parenting preschool-aged kids, especially outside. ‘She’ll get with the program’, I told myself.
- There’s no way she’d expect me to assume the daily responsibility of watching her grandchild, right?
- Wait…..was I being a Helicopter Mom?! Maybe her grandson was old enough to play outside without her supervision.
The summer continued in the same vein. Except it got worse. Instead of watching from her deck, Grandma sent her grandson over to our house to play while she stayed inside. She openly told me that she had “stuff to do” and had sent her little guy to “go outside and play with the neighbors”. She occasionally waved from a window, or checked in to see how things were going (and by ‘check-in’, I mean every hour or so). But overall, there was barely any supervision, parenting, grand-parenting, or adulting of any kind. I was the only adult outside watching her grandchild.
This begs the question: At what age do you let your children play outside alone?
Had my neighbor asked for my help, I would likely have given it. Yes, I probably would have worked out some sort of payment in kind – either monetary or perhaps asking her to watch my kids for a few hours. But she never broached the subject. Instead, I’m assuming she considered her grandson to be safe because I was there. In doing so, she made the silent assumption that I would play the role of babysitter because I was already outside, and presumably available. I had no idea what to do!
Of course, every child is different. Maybe some children are totally capable of playing outside at age 4 without a parent. For me, that’s not an option. I joke with my husband that our kids would be in the next county if I didn’t keep a watchful eye on them while outside! I try not to hover, and to give them the freedom to explore their environment, but I know my kids: they are simply not yet ready to be outside without adult supervision. Moreover, I would never expect another adult or caregiver to assume that role. It it my responsibility, and my responsibility alone, unless I have arranged otherwise.
With summer just beginning, I’m not quite sure how I’ll handle the situation with my neighbor should it happen again. The issue is bound to pop up at some point, when her grandson inevitably comes for a visit.
How would YOU handle a situation like mine?
We’ve had this problem with neighbors, and it drives me crazy. I’m a stay at home mom for my kids, not my neighbors. I let them play for awhile and then send them home with a nice “see you tomorrow!” And sometimes I say today is family day and just send them home right away.
Since you have not said anything to the grandmother or sent the child home, then she probably has no clue how you feel. After all, I am sure she is not a mind reader. I always had a fenced in backyard and would let my kids play out back all the time. I put a lock on the gate and kept all my curtains open when they were outside. Our backyard became an extension to our home and it was safe with the lock on the gate. All the neighborhood kids were in and out of my house/backyard all day long.
Why not go next door one day and tell her that you have some errands to run and since you watch her grandson almost everyday could she possibly watch all the kids while you run errands? Then let her know that you feel your children are too young to be outside without supervision. If you get tired of the kids then send them all next door to play once in a while. You have to talk to your neighbor or she will never know that you don’t want to watch her grandchild everyday.
My kids were 4 and 2 when I first allowed them to be outside alone in a fenced in yard. The gate door was locked to give me peace of mind they would not escape and the house door was open so I could still hear. My kids are now 17 and 15 and they tell me how much more fun they had when I wasn’t around. Of course I already knew. I would still talk to the Grandma but take a step back and let kids be kids. Kids need to problem solve on their own or they will not be able to handle this crazy world.
So, if the major question here is what age is OK for you to go back into the house and let all the drama in the backyard play out without your observation and support: the answer there is as varied as the personalities, family structures and parenting styles out there. You have to go with your gut, and your knowledge of your own kids and what is best for them.
If the question is about whether this is hovering too close, again that really depends. Are your children really going to run off, or turn the swing set into a catapult when your back is turned? (And I get it – at the age of 4 – I would have said yes to that with some of mine. I had kids who were creative, curious, and one that had no instinctual fear.) What we have to balance with hovering is pulling back enough to let them gain independence, to try out social skills, fall down a little so they can grow. And that balance is again something that looks different with every family. As it has also been pointed out – it is also something that looks different generationally.
But I think the real question beyond that is what do you do when the differences collide. Please know you have options here. Those options invoke a lot of evaluation. Some options might be good for you and your kids and this neighbor, others might not be. Evaluate your own feelings. Do you want to be outside with your kids? Is adding another child to that mix a net positive or a net negative. Acknowledge that this equation can change quickly. Some days are just bad days, some kids are a lot of work. So find a way to set up some boundaries. That might be a very open talk with your neighbor about feeling taken advantage of. I probably wouldn’t feel horribly comfortable with that (I avoid confrontation) so maybe set up some guidelines on how much time their grandson can spend over – a window – so that you can get in family time on the other side of that. If it is behavior that really is the main issue decide on how you want to handle that, there are so many options ranging from teaching your own children what to do and say when someone else refuses to share or play nice to letting your neighbor know that all of you are working on sharing (or another skill) this week and that grandson will get sent back home if he cannot follow the rules, just as your children might have a time out if they cannot follow the rules. Sometimes it is amazing how enforcing behavior changes the whole situation. And, I am not talking about disciplining a child – I’m talking about making sure the rules get followed on your property. You have the right to say no. But how you state this is hugely important. It is far better to let Grandma and grandson know the expectations and consequences ahead of time than to snap one day in frustration. If you can explain that grandson needs to go home because he cannot share in a nice but firm voice and open the option to try again tomorrow, you have drawn a line, but been open to a change of behavior.
There are creative things you can do to limit time. I had a “play club” on certain days where the kids came over, we read a story out doors and then played some organized (supervised) games. But then when club was over, the kids went home, even if my kids were still going to stay outside with me and enjoy family play. It helped, because in our neighborhood we would have had the whole block playing in the back yard, and my job turned into playground supervisor because there were kids who needed supervision (some of them my own).
Best of luck on this. These are the sticky situations that life throws us. You can handle it with grace and composure, and your littles will see that. And it’s good for them to see you solve problems, because they learn from that too.
We live in a sub where all of our backyards without fences bleed together into one big communal backyard. We tag team with our neighbors to keep an eye on our youngest kiddos. I wouldn’t let my four year play outside alone but will put her big brothers in charge of her if I am not outside. We don’t let anyone play out front unsupervised because only half the sub has sidewalks and we just do t want the kids in the street. Everyone has different comfort levels. I would talk with your neighbor, you do t want to resent the child.