It crept up on me last summer. My neighbor’s grandson was visiting for the season. He happened to be of a similar preschool age as my children. “Wonderful!” was my first reaction. “A new friend for the summer!” I told my kids. They spent their first play-date laughing, running around the yard and enjoying our new swing-set. I stayed outside with my kids, per usual. My neighbor sat on her deck watching, but mostly drank her coffee, read the newspaper and chatted on her phone.
At first, I didn’t think much about it. I was busy watching all the kids, plus I was thrilled that my kiddos were having a great time. However, after a few days of play, I started to get annoyed. The inevitable kid squabbles had begun…..you know, the typical little people ones over toys and taking turns, or pitched fits because “he got the blue shovel and I got the red one”. And a little rivalry had begun to ensue between my youngest and our new friend: basically, our new buddy didn’t like to share. I get it – sharing is hard for preschoolers. But I’m not overly fond of disciplining or instructing other peoples’ children. Plus I was playing the role of consummate referee – a role that I don’t relish, even when the argument is solely between my own kids. I was starting to feel like a babysitter. An unpaid one. Moreover I was baffled: why wasn’t this kid being supervised?
My neighbor is a very nice lady, so I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. She certainly had the physical capability of keeping up with her little guy, but maybe something else was going on:
- Maybe Grandma wasn’t yet acclimated to the craziness of parenting preschool-aged kids, especially outside. ‘She’ll get with the program’, I told myself.
- There’s no way she’d expect me to assume the daily responsibility of watching her grandchild, right?
- Wait…..was I being a Helicopter Mom?! Maybe her grandson was old enough to play outside without her supervision.
The summer continued in the same vein. Except it got worse. Instead of watching from her deck, Grandma sent her grandson over to our house to play while she stayed inside. She openly told me that she had “stuff to do” and had sent her little guy to “go outside and play with the neighbors”. She occasionally waved from a window, or checked in to see how things were going (and by ‘check-in’, I mean every hour or so). But overall, there was barely any supervision, parenting, grand-parenting, or adulting of any kind. I was the only adult outside watching her grandchild.
This begs the question: At what age do you let your children play outside alone?
Had my neighbor asked for my help, I would likely have given it. Yes, I probably would have worked out some sort of payment in kind – either monetary or perhaps asking her to watch my kids for a few hours. But she never broached the subject. Instead, I’m assuming she considered her grandson to be safe because I was there. In doing so, she made the silent assumption that I would play the role of babysitter because I was already outside, and presumably available. I had no idea what to do!
Of course, every child is different. Maybe some children are totally capable of playing outside at age 4 without a parent. For me, that’s not an option. I joke with my husband that our kids would be in the next county if I didn’t keep a watchful eye on them while outside! I try not to hover, and to give them the freedom to explore their environment, but I know my kids: they are simply not yet ready to be outside without adult supervision. Moreover, I would never expect another adult or caregiver to assume that role. It it my responsibility, and my responsibility alone, unless I have arranged otherwise.
With summer just beginning, I’m not quite sure how I’ll handle the situation with my neighbor should it happen again. The issue is bound to pop up at some point, when her grandson inevitably comes for a visit.
How would YOU handle a situation like mine?
I think it is a difference of parenting generations not her just expecting you to babysit. As early as age 3, I remember running next door to my neighbors to play with my friends from just after breakfast till usually bedtime (by the time I was 8). I lived there pretty much. And I honestly don’t even remember my friends’ mom being around us either. We played and she was somewhere in the house should an emergency arrive. I think this is the same mentality your neighbor most likely raised her kids with, so she is probably doing the same now. I was a playmate that entertained her children. I could have been at my house, but 9 times out of 10 it was theirs. Maybe step back just a little and go get some things done in the house as well. See how the kids play without you right there, but like the grandma just checking in. Leave the window or door cracked to make sure you hear them, but you might realize they are ok and they have you and the grandma watching on.
I can totally relate to your situation because believe it or not, I tend to be in the Grandma’s spot! So, our house is on a corner lot and we are situated right in the middle of a couple different houses with kids that my boys play with and they will head in one direction or another depending on the day. My boys are 8, 6 and 4. The kids they play with in our neighborhood are all a little younger than my boys so my kids kind of end up being the leaders of the pack, so to speak. When I realized that the younger friends weren’t coming to our house to hang out, but rather my kids were constantly off playing with them, I made a purposeful effort to really make sure to ask the other moms point blank if it was okay for my kids to be coming over to hang with their kids so much. I made it clear that they can feel free to kick my kids back home at any moment and that’s cool. Both moms were actually really great about it because they felt like having my two older boys around especially gave THEM a little bit of a break from constantly having to entertain their kids.
All that to say, I would say communication is the most important part. If you’re feeling like you are being taken advantage of, it’s really okay to say something!
I don’t have an answer to your question just yet, but what popped out at me as I was reading this is that, for the grandma who lives next door, that is the way it was when we were children. Our parents told us to go outside and play. We hardly spent any time in the house during the summer. We were unsupervised and would go to our friends’ houses to play, or go to the local playground, or ride our bikes, or run through the fire hydrant on a very hot day (the firemen would take the cap off and let kids run through it). And yes, we were probably four or five years old. I grew up in the city of Detroit, and that is just what we did. Neighbor Grandma is probably just doing what she did back in the day. I’m not saying whether it is right or wrong. Times are different now. But surely it’s not right to take advantage of you in that way. –Grandma born in the 50s.
I lived in a kid-filled neighborhood for several years when mine were little. Six houses on our corner had kids all the same age. Up until age 6 or 7 there was a mom outside watching them. Whoever was outside first was the one whose house all the kids ran over to. That mom was the watcher. Usually each mom would say some sort of “is it ok if they stay?” Or “do you want me to stay& watch too?” But the answer was always “no problem, I’ll watch them” and the kids knew they had to follow the rules of that mom or get sent home. Sometimes they played inside & it was the same way. It would actually be a little weird for the other mom to stay because the kids played all day & if the other moms stayed, the mom of the house would kind of have guests to entertain. My house & another mom’s house were the most frequently played at, but there was decent rotation to the other houses as well. I didn’t really referee the kids too much when it was playtime at my house. I just let the kids play & read my book or whatever. Behavior problems got sent home. There was one pair of sisters who had very bad behavior & got sent home a lot. The mom was a little snippy about it but she couldn’t really complain because her kids were the ones throwing rocks or breaking toys etc. we moved away & we kind of miss the interaction. I think it was a valuable part of childhood.
I’m sure she doesn’t mean any harm, you should let her know how you feel though. You really don’t have to be 2imches away from your kids when they play outside (if it is in the back yard with a fence. Just leave the door open or window so you can see them. I usually just raise the blinds and watch from the kitchen while I cook or clean etc.
My neighbors are raising their granddaughter, and just let her come over to our house and play on her own, she is 4. I just send her back if I don’t feel like watching her.
I have three boys, ages 4, 4, and 2. They play outside in our fenced in backyard without me. I can see them from multiple windows and hear them without issue. My guess is your neighbor probably figures her grandson is fine alone and if you’re out there, that’s fine too. I have learned with mine that they have more squabbles with me around than without me. But everyone’s kids and parenting styles are different!
I agree every child is different. My daughter just turned 4 and I don’t think she could be trusted outside by herself yet. She does have little friends who are probably able to do that.
I agree with most of the comments. I let my kids (twins) play outside starting at about 3.5. I set clear boundaries as to how far they could go down the driveway and if they went past it they had to come inside for a bit. I also teach preschoolers and while I obviously have to be outside then, i find that the further the distance between them and me, the more likely it is that they will stat to work out their own squabbles.
You can’t fault the lady if you’ve never expressed your concern/annoyance/desires!