The Parenting Post | Self-Talk + Affirmations

Do you have a parenting hurdle you’re working through? If so, “The Parenting Post” is for you! One of our writers, Albiona, has been answering all of YOUR parenting questions over on IG. We’ve turned her series into blog posts on our website as well. We just can’t get enough of her helpful advice, and we thought you’d appreciate it, too!

Her videos cover a wide variety of parenting questions–honestly, anything and everything! If it’s something you’re wondering, there’s a good chance that another parent in our community is also struggling with it. And Albiona is here to help!

This week, she’s sharing about self-talk: the positive talk when we’re talking to our kids, and the kind of self-talk when we’re being critical of ourselves. They’re both so important! And, both can be unpacked in slightly similar ways. It all comes down to remembering to pause.

The Way We’re Talking to Our Kids

The biggest thing we want to think about when we’re trying to introduce a new way of how we talk to ourselves or how we talk to our kids is that we have to find some way that’s going to interrupt the pattern of what we’re already doing.

I teach a four step process called PARR–it stands for Pause, Acknowledge, Respond, Reflect. And that pausing piece is critical to teach yourself how to stop if you have found yourself in the habit of over-correcting, nagging, repeating, negotiating, arguing, or any of the above with your kids. There are workarounds and there are ways we can avoid that, but not until you pause and acknowledge what that pattern already is. We have to name it to know that it’s a problem.

Let’s say you’re in a situation where you’re constantly telling your kids no, stop, don’t, or that they can’t do something.

I know as parents, we’re always feeling like we’re saying the same things over and over! So, I want you to just pause. The next time you get ready to correct a behavior, just pause. And after that pause, instead of saying the thing you don’t want to see, I want you to name the thing you do want to see. Instead of “Don’t jump on the couch,” say, “Show me how you can sit on the couch.” Saying the thing you want to see is always going to yield a better outcome when we’re talking about kids and how to help them shift some of the behaviors that they may have!

The Way We’re Talking to Ourselves

I can’t tell you how many times I’m working with a mother and I know the self-talk that they are engaging in. It sounds like, “I’m such a bad mom. If my kids didn’t behave this way, people wouldn’t think so poorly of me. I can’t make any mom friends because my kids are uncontrollable when we go to the park.” There is so much self-blame. There is so much negative chatter that goes on in our heads. We are so, so hard on ourselves.

But guess what? Kids know that this is happening. Kids sense and feel more than they see and hear. If we are walking around carrying those voices in our heads and we’re feeling that way, it’s being expressed in how we show up, in our energy and the way we connect, and in how distracted or present we are.

Again, go back to PARR and just pause: what does that self talk sound like to you?

I work a lot with parents when their child struggles around this idea of making mistakes. And more often than not, that parent also has that same struggle! A lot of times we might make a mistake that’s really innocuous or not that big of a deal, and we might say something out loud like, “I’m so stupid. I can’t believe I left the door open/unlocked!” But to a child, that simple statement reads completely differently. They’re listening to that and they’re thinking, “Oh, my gosh, my mom is stupid because she left the door unlocked. I am never going to make a mistake, because what does that mean about me? What does that say about me?”

So, I encourage you to look at those connections, and look at where that self-talk is permeating the way your children are experiencing their world and their experience in life. It’s all connected. Kids are our greatest mirrors. And as we grow, our kids grow; when our kids grow, we grow. So pay attention to that self-talk. What are you saying to yourself?

Create a pause. Create some awareness around what you’re saying, and let’s shift that and show some compassion to ourselves. Our kids are our most important audience, and they’re taking stock the whole time.

Looking for more parenting support + resources? Our previous Parenting Post was all about how to keep your kids busy during the cold winter months!