My husband and I have been married for more than a decade, and for the majority of that time, I’ve loved his job. He worked as a big fish in a (relatively) small pond. He had tons of perks: good pay, great health insurance, made his own hours, worked with lots of good people, and we were great friends with the owner and his wife. It was the perfect job, with built in friends and I never had a complaint.
His job was especially great when we had kids. He could take vacation whenever he wanted, help with pickup and drop-off, and was usually home each night for dinner. He brought the kids to the office to visit and everyone adored them. It was perfect.
Then something changed professionally and he wanted….more.
He started interviewing at multinational corporations. Finally, he received an offer from a company that he was really excited about. He explained to me the salary and bonuses, the benefits and what his role would be. To me, it sounded like he was downgrading everything except his salary and title. He would make more money and be a medium fish in a humongous pond with tremendous room for growth. On the other hand, the health insurance wasn’t the greatest (they don’t cover spouses who work), the people were significantly older than him, and the hours were rigid. But even worse – he had to travel. The travel is what worried me the most, considering we had two young kids at home. But he insisted that the travel would be minimal, that this job would be better for him professionally and it would be better for our family. And I believed him.
He was sold a bag of lies. He’s been there for more than a year and he travels just about every other week, sometimes across state lines, sometimes across the globe. He didn’t get his full bonus because of other people’s actions, not his. He hasn’t made many friends. He’s never home in the morning and he often misses dinner. He misses t-ball games and soccer practices. There’s an extremely high probability that he is going to miss the first day of kindergarten.
This job has changed him: He’s focused on work….all. the. time. It never stops. He talks about promotions and what he needs to do to get them. When he is home with the kids, he is an amazing father, but he doesn’t seem phased by the things that he misses. He doesn’t understand that sometimes the moment can be more important than the future. And he doesn’t think it is a big deal if he misses the first day of kindergarten.
My kids have changed because of his job: they’re more emotional, more attached to me when I’m going it alone. Whenever we make plans, they always have to ask if Daddy will be there. They never ask that about me. When he is gone, they don’t sleep through the night, don’t eat as well and constantly ask when he is coming home. They literally cry for him, sometimes contrived, but also sincerely.
His job has changed me, too: Every time he prepares to leave, I am sullen and resentful. I complain that his company lied to him about travel, that they don’t care about family and that they don’t appreciate him. He knows my complaints are true, because he doesn’t disagree. I don’t like the person his job makes me become. I don’t like complaining, I don’t like being overwhelmed for weeks at a time, I don’t like having to be the only parent every other week and I don’t like resenting him for his job.
Recently, I sat him down and told him that the job wasn’t working for me or for the kids, that I couldn’t do it anymore. I let loose a full year of frustration, anger and disappointment over his job. He stood there and listened. He didn’t argue and he didn’t defend himself. Instead, as I sobbed, he thanked me. He thanked me for my honesty, for stepping up, for carrying the burden of raising our family while he was away. He thanked me for working full time and being a full time parent while he traveled.
We didn’t come to a resolution and I know he isn’t leaving his job any time soon. But interestingly enough, I feel better. I don’t know what the future holds for his job, but I do know I love my husband and even this can’t change that. I love my husband, but I hate his job.
Have you experienced something similar in your home? Share your story with us.
Just came across this article as I am searching for answers. I wondered if you had an update to how things are going for you guys?
So what happened? I really hope you foot your foot down. Make him quit and find something else… or else.. not fair to you whatsoever!
As someone who has been married for fifty years, may I just say that my heart goes out to you and your family and what you are currently going through…”but” aren’t you fortunate also that you have a hardworking husband, in spite of your current difficulties. I can say that in our family, when my husband’s job began to take a larger amount of his time (and I have no doubt that you have a hardworking, faithful, good man) yes, it’s an adjustment and yes things WILL get better. Are you a person of faith? If so, your faith WILL get you through and also while you are praying for your husband’s situaution, God “can” make the changes in your life to have more balance and at home time with you and your children. In the meantime, you can be thankful for the roof over your head, for God’s Provision, for a hardworking husband, and I can assure you, the REST will come.