My Body Says No But My Heart Says Yes

Do I Regret Getting My Tubes Tied?

I am pretty open and honest about most things, and when it comes to pregnancy, child birth, and child rearing I am more than happy to share my story with anyone who is interested. However, when it comes to whether I am done at two kids I have been less inclined to share my answer. It isn’t because I am unsure; I know that I am absolutely, unequivocally – done. I know this because I chose to have a tubal ligation after my second c-section, but it wasn’t a choice that came easily.

baby aldoI elected to have a c-section with my first baby. At that point my obstetrician indicated that due to scar tissue it was increasingly risky to have each subsequent child. This was really only one small factor considered when deciding to have a tubal ligation. Others were obviously the time we could devote to our children- we both worked full time- as well as the resources required to raise children. Additionally, my husband and I each had one sibling, and liked that dynamic.

The truth of the matter is I hesitate answering this question because I thought that I wanted at least three kids, maybe even four; that is in a perfect world with no concerns about age, time, money or space. My body may be physically done having babies, but my heart hasn’t fully caught up to that reality. My husband on the other hand was very adamant from day 1 that two kids was it for him. He didn’t care if they were boys, girls, or both: two kids and we were done.

It didn’t help that my first baby was that “magical unicorn” baby that never cried, never got sick, slept amazingly well, and ate anything! He was the kind of baby that made me want 10 kids. My second child brought reality a little more into focus. There was also a very perceptible shift in going from one child to two. I didn’t leave the house for months!

After we found out we were expecting #2, another boy, I wasn’t sure that I was ready to be done. I loved being a boy mom, but I also found the idea of buying pink quite appealing. Gender however wasn’t a compelling enough reason for us to try for a third. In fact, other than a general feeling of “wanting” more, I didn’t have any persuasive reasons. We went back and forth over whether we would change our minds
down the road, me trying to convince him that he would, and him trying to convince me that I would. Based on my age and our lifestyle it didn’t seem likely that we would have more, but I just wasn’t sure. Can one ever really be sure?

baby marco 1

I am only about a year and a half out from having my last baby and I already long for the feeling of the fluttering kicks of a growing baby inside me. I dream of the smell of a soft little ball of baby curled up on my chest. I have even blissfully erased all of the screaming, spitting up, and lack of sleep that my second baby brought, and would do it over again in a heartbeat. Maybe that is something that I would always feel regardless of how many children I had? At some point regardless of what my heart wanted, my body would no longer cooperate in my need to have “just one more”. I am thrilled to be the mother of two happy, healthy boys, but I still have the twinge of emotion when I hear that someone is expecting. I am excited for what they are about to experience, but a bit sad for myself that I won’t be getting to do it all again.

So…do I regret the decision to have my tubes tied? The truthful answer is no. It was the right decision for us, even if I still love the idea of babies. I am able to devote the whole of my heart and attention to the two blessings in front of me without the nagging thoughts of, “am I done?”.



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