It crept up on me last summer. My neighbor’s grandson was visiting for the season. He happened to be of a similar preschool age as my children. “Wonderful!” was my first reaction. “A new friend for the summer!” I told my kids. They spent their first play-date laughing, running around the yard and enjoying our new swing-set. I stayed outside with my kids, per usual. My neighbor sat on her deck watching, but mostly drank her coffee, read the newspaper and chatted on her phone.
At first, I didn’t think much about it. I was busy watching all the kids, plus I was thrilled that my kiddos were having a great time. However, after a few days of play, I started to get annoyed. The inevitable kid squabbles had begun…..you know, the typical little people ones over toys and taking turns, or pitched fits because “he got the blue shovel and I got the red one”. And a little rivalry had begun to ensue between my youngest and our new friend: basically, our new buddy didn’t like to share. I get it – sharing is hard for preschoolers. But I’m not overly fond of disciplining or instructing other peoples’ children. Plus I was playing the role of consummate referee – a role that I don’t relish, even when the argument is solely between my own kids. I was starting to feel like a babysitter. An unpaid one. Moreover I was baffled: why wasn’t this kid being supervised?
My neighbor is a very nice lady, so I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. She certainly had the physical capability of keeping up with her little guy, but maybe something else was going on:
- Maybe Grandma wasn’t yet acclimated to the craziness of parenting preschool-aged kids, especially outside. ‘She’ll get with the program’, I told myself.
- There’s no way she’d expect me to assume the daily responsibility of watching her grandchild, right?
- Wait…..was I being a Helicopter Mom?! Maybe her grandson was old enough to play outside without her supervision.
The summer continued in the same vein. Except it got worse. Instead of watching from her deck, Grandma sent her grandson over to our house to play while she stayed inside. She openly told me that she had “stuff to do” and had sent her little guy to “go outside and play with the neighbors”. She occasionally waved from a window, or checked in to see how things were going (and by ‘check-in’, I mean every hour or so). But overall, there was barely any supervision, parenting, grand-parenting, or adulting of any kind. I was the only adult outside watching her grandchild.
This begs the question: At what age do you let your children play outside alone?
Had my neighbor asked for my help, I would likely have given it. Yes, I probably would have worked out some sort of payment in kind – either monetary or perhaps asking her to watch my kids for a few hours. But she never broached the subject. Instead, I’m assuming she considered her grandson to be safe because I was there. In doing so, she made the silent assumption that I would play the role of babysitter because I was already outside, and presumably available. I had no idea what to do!
Of course, every child is different. Maybe some children are totally capable of playing outside at age 4 without a parent. For me, that’s not an option. I joke with my husband that our kids would be in the next county if I didn’t keep a watchful eye on them while outside! I try not to hover, and to give them the freedom to explore their environment, but I know my kids: they are simply not yet ready to be outside without adult supervision. Moreover, I would never expect another adult or caregiver to assume that role. It it my responsibility, and my responsibility alone, unless I have arranged otherwise.
With summer just beginning, I’m not quite sure how I’ll handle the situation with my neighbor should it happen again. The issue is bound to pop up at some point, when her grandson inevitably comes for a visit.
How would YOU handle a situation like mine?
