Struggling to Smile: Dealing with Postpartum Depression

By

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May 31, 2016

I remember the day well. It was Fourth of July. My four month old, Annabelle, was home with dad. I was ecstatic that I got to enjoy a night out. I was at my parent’s neighbor’s Fourth of July party and everyone kept asking “where’s Annabelle”? At first I just smiled and explained she was home with dad. The questions kept coming, and people seemed truly upset that I didn’t bring her with me. It really started to bother me as well. The more people questioned me, the more upset I became. Thankfully, one of my friend’s mom saw me, grabbed me, and said “let’s go for a walk.” I remember tearing up, explaining that it had been rough lately since Annabelle wasn’t sleeping great. She gave me a hug and some encouraging words.

Up until that point I’d never really thought much about my feelings. I mean, sure, I knew I wasn’t exactly happy, but I didn’t know what to do about it. I also guess I didn’t realize that what I was feeling was not how the majority of the population feels. I just kinda figured that it was a rough spot that no one really talked about. I mean postpartum depression happens right after having a kid, right? Not 4 months later. Having my friend’s mom talk to me really made me realize that I didn’t have to feel like I did.

After I had Annabelle I went back to work and finished the year (I was a teacher). Once summer hit, I was officially a SAHM, and super excited about it. I expected to be relieved (I mean come on, no more pumping), and happy. I didn’t expect to feel helpless, sad, angry and questioning my ability as a mother. I imagined myself doing fun things with my daughter, then having some me time while she napped. I didn’t imagine myself rocking her (and rocking her, and rocking her) in a dark room, sometimes crying, just praying I would be able to transfer her to her crib so that I could get a little alone time. Having a baby is supposed to be a happy thing right? Sure there are sleepless nights, and crying, but overall, it’s supposed to be amazing. So what do you do when it’s not?

I remember going out shopping and people would make comments like:

“Enjoy this time now, they grow up so fast.”

“I miss those day so much.”

“Treasure this time.”

With each comment, I felt worse and worse. It made me feel as if I was an awful mother. I wasn’t enjoying this time. What on Earth did that say about me?! I wanted to cry (and sometimes did) when sleep took forever to happen. What kind of mother feels that way, I thought to myself. To top thing off I went from being a teacher, and working with lots of people, to being at home by myself. I am a social person, and isolation did not fit me well. I would go to Target or the mall just to be around other people.

Then one week my mom was over and asked if I was OK. She had noticed that I wasn’t my usual upbeat self. I told her how I had been feeling lately and she encouraged me to call my OB. I did and was able to go and talk to her, as well as the psychologist that worked in the office. They determined that I didn’t need any medication, but made sure that I knew I could call back at any time if I felt worse.

After talking with my OB I realized I really needed to find others I could relate to so I started looking for other moms in the area. I found an amazing mother’s club (which I am still a part of) to join. I really think that joining the club was a game changer. Having other women to socialize with, and exchange stories with was wonderful. I truly believe we are social creatures, and are not meant to be isolated from others.

It takes a village to raise a child, but it also takes a village to support a mom.

**With that being said, if you are having feelings of sadness or hopelessness, do not suffer alone. These feelings do not mean you are a bad mom. Please, please, please call your OB, midwife or someone and let them know how you feel.**

My Best Friend Made Me Smell

By

Meredith Weston-Backaitis

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May 30, 2016

Dear Cigarettes,

You and I were best friends for 15 years. And, although we haven’t been together since I got married, I’ve missed you, but don’t think I’ll be taking you back anytime soon. Now I have a husband (who was a catalyst of our break-up) and two kiddos.

You were very sneaky, how you wriggled your way into my life and I didn’t even realize I needed to have you around, but I did.

I loved you. There. I said it. A cup of coffee just tasted better with you. You were always there for me at happy hour after work too. You were my comfort and security blanket. In the back of my head, every time I spent ten dollars on you, I knew I should have just walked away, but I didn’t.

People that have never had a relationship with you probably think I’m crazy. For the smokers, past smokers and secret smokers (you know you are out there), I bet you know exactly what I’m talking about.

I broke up with you for good the day before my wedding. My fiancee hated you. I even lied about our relationship when I started dating him. But, he saw through it and luckily stayed with me!

As for my kids, right now at 10 months and three-and-a-half, they don’t need to know about you. But, someday I’ll tell them. I’ll tell them that, yes, you and I were together for many years. I started young, because everything around me (except my parents) said you were cool and sexy! I looked grown up and sophisticated. I’ll tell them how my best friend was also my worst habit. I’ll be honest with them too. I’ll tell them how much money I wasted on you. How you got in the way of my other friendships. That I’ve lost jobs because of you and have potentially damaged my health.

Now, once in a while, I see you around with someone else. You’ve moved on also……to the sixteen year old boy behind his parents garage. Or (like I did) sneaking a smoke from her older brother’s pack at thirteen. And, that’s not cool.

I hope when my boys are close to the age when they will notice you, you will be out of style. I hope none of their friends smoke and it will be taboo in social circles. Since you are not allowed in any restaurants anymore, hopefully I’m not dreaming. I hope that being honest with them about my experiences, they wont want you as a best friend. Because, lets face it! As a best friend, you stink (literally).

But, Cigarettes, just so we are clear, we are NEVER EVER getting back together.

Stop Asking Me About “Baby #2”

By

Megan G.

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May 29, 2016

In July my husband and I will celebrate our ten year wedding anniversary. TEN YEARS! At that point our only daughter will be one and a half years old. Yes, we spent eight and a half childless years together. Even more surprising is that was by design. I clarify this because often when people find out about the timeline of our lives they give a small sympathetic look or just blatantly ask about infertility issues. Because why would anyone spend so much time alone with a man?!

As I reflect on those eight, childless years, one thing stands out to me; no one really pestered me/us about kids. Well some did, but that was pretty early on and really quite mild. After a couple years with no baby I think most people just gave up or assumed we were having fertility issues.

But now that I’ve had a baby, it seems I’ve opened myself up for “So, when’s baby #2 coming?” and dozens of versions thereof. No exaggeration, someone said this to me my first week postpartum after a very difficult labor and delivery. Seriously?!

All kidding aside, this is a very uncomfortable question for me as I’m sure it is for many other women. With an uncomfortable question comes an uncomfortable response.

Here’s why you should think twice about asking about baby #2:

Secondary Infertility. I think we’ve become more in-tune with primary infertility being a very lonely, indescribable pain that most women and couples grapple with in silence. However, we all seem to think that if you’ve successfully had one baby the rest will be no problem. That is a very wrong assumption. According to Resolve, the national infertile association, “Approximately 12 percent of women in the United States have secondary infertility, and it accounts for more than half of all infertility cases.” And on that note…
Miscarriage. A subset of infertility but with it’s own brand of pain and loss. Even though some studies suggest that up to 25% of clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage, you will likely never know that the woman you’re asking about a second baby just suffered a miscarriage.
Personal Finances. Our second largest monthly expense after our mortgage is daycare, and we have it cheaper than most! I have some friends whose daycare expense is in fact more than their mortgage for ONE child. This is a huge consideration for many families. For parents who need or want to continue working, having room in their budget for daycare and other baby expenses is important. And let’s not forget the costs to insure another person and the hospital bill after delivery – oye!
Relationship Challenges. When people ask me about our secret to marriage success I feel a little bit like a fraud. Our “secret?” We’re both incredibly stubborn. Over our tenure together there have been some rough patches that lasted weeks, months, and at least one that lasted a year or more. Neither one of us was going to make the first move, be the one to throw in the towel. We became experts at arguing in the car on the way to a family function then getting out of the car and acting like everything was hunky-dory. On the brink of marriage failure the last thing anyone wants to discuss is procreation.
Medical Reasons. Some parents in the process of conceiving and delivering their first discover genetic disorders or diseases that can be passed down to subsequent children. Or maybe they want to take some time to focus on their own health, eating better, or lose weight before growing the lovable chaos in their home. Or maybe a close family member is grappling with a medical issue and the family needs time to get through that before they can try for #2.
She’s pregnant and not ready to tell you. Most women I know wait to share their big happy news until they reach the second trimester. Why? Because the risk of miscarriage drops dramatically. That means they walk around for 12 weeks not telling the one amazing thing that is probably consuming their every thought, move, eating choice. etc. When you ask about her baby-making plans you’re putting her in a very precarious position; to share something she doesn’t feel ready to share in a way she didn’t plan on and doesn’t have control over, OR she has to lie to your face. Those aren’t exactly big happy news-sharing feelings.
“One and done!” Believe it or not, some people choose to have just one child. Some people choose to have none. Some people like my cousin choose to have six children. Frankly, anyone’s family planning and bedroom life other than your own is none of your business. Period.

To anyone reading this that has asked me this question please don’t take this as a call for an apology or public criticism. I’ve moved on, or, we had a very long and heartfelt conversation about it which is your queue that our friendship is such that you could ask. But for everyone else, please think twice before your question opens fresh wounds or uncomfortable conversations.

Has anyone ask you this question? How did you respond?

Metro Detroit Family Campout Guide

By

Jessica Maurer

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May 27, 2016

If you are anything like me, the idea of sitting around a campfire out in the middle of the woods on a peaceful Michigan summer night telling stories, making s’mores and enjoying each others company sounds like an ideal situation. However, if you also have young children like me, considering the reality of such a situation will also bring to mind {endless} concerns. From ‘What if my toddler wakes up crying in the middle of the night waking up the whole campground?’ to ‘What if someone wets the….sleeping bag?’ or even ‘What if someone gets sick or (maybe even more likely) burnt by the fire?’ it’s enough to put off thoughts of any sort of camping for quite some time. That is until I discovered a few years ago that several metro Detroit communities actually offer a Family Campout night.

These special events are usually handled through local Parks & Rec departments and basically give families the opportunity to actually set up camp and spend the night close to home. The key is they are held at your local park and there are lots of activities planned by someone else! This way, if there is some dramatic development you are close to home and have the ability to bail and return to warm beds whenever you feel like it. Plus you know there will be lots of other families and kids around with supervised, structured activities. Makes the whole thing far less intimidating, doesn’t it?

Bird's Nest craft at The Great West Bloomfield Camp Out — Bird’s Nest craft at The Great West Bloomfield Camp Out

I won’t lie, you still have to pack half your household up to stay one night – that is the downside for sure – but it is a great experience to give your kids if you are willing and able (but just not willing to make a big commitment to the wilderness!)

Listed below are some Metro Detroit Family Campouts that we have found for this summer:

Great Farmington Hills Campout – June 4, Heritage Park
Enjoy the great outdoors with your family at the Great Farmington Hills Campout in Heritage Park on Saturday, June 4 through Sunday, June 5.
Families can enjoy Nature Center tours, trail hikes, and free time with the family from 1 to 9 p.m. on Saturday. Participants can then choose to either camp out afterwards in their own backyards or stay in a pre-reserved campsite for an overnight adventure in Heritage Park. The deadline for reservations is May 31. The $25 fee includes a family campsite, giveaways, dinner, and a pancake breakfast.

The Great Campout Novi – June 18, Lakeshore Park
Hot Dog Cookout, Lawn Games, Geocaching, Extended Beach Hours, S’Mores, Campfire Stories, Fireworks & Continental Breakfast all included! 6 Campers and 2 tents allowed per ‘site’. $35/site Resident; $45/site non-resident. Register at cityofnovi.org by June 11.

Canton Family Movie Camp Out – July 15, Heritage Park
Families are invited to set up tents around the amphitheater and enjoy a movie at dusk. There will be plenty to do before the movie, including games, activities and entertainment for the entire family beginning at 6pm. The $20 overnight camping fee must be paid on site the day of the event. If you plan to come out to the event, but are not camping overnight, there will be a $5 wristband available to take part in the evening’s activities. Dinner & concession items will be sold Friday evening. Canoeing on Friday and a pancake breakfast on Saturday morning will be available for a nominal fee. Tent set up begins at noon on Friday July, 15. RV’s and tents are both welcome. Fee: $20 overnight camping fee or $5 wristbands for evening activities Ages: All Ages Heritage Park, North Pavilion 6pm–11am; Tent set-up may begin at 12pm on Friday.

Maybury State Park Family Campout – July 16 or August 6, Maybury State Park
Camp set up begins at noon on Saturday and clean up should be finished by noon on Sunday. $30 per family of 4, $5 for each additional person. Cars entering the park must have a State of Michigan Recreation Passport.

The Great West Bloomfield Camp Out – September 9, Marshbank Park
Activities to include: Fishing, Archery, Hayrides, Crafts, 9 Hole Glow Golf Course, Live Music & S’mores by the Campfire. Dinner and breakfast are included in the registration fee. Tent set-up begins: 4:30 pm, activities start: 6:00 pm, Check-out: by 11:00 am Saturday. Fee: $9 per resident and $11 per nonresident, ages 2+

Be sure to let us know if there is one in your area we missed! Happy camping!

Have You Considered Foster Care?

By

KatieBeth

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May 25, 2016

May is National Foster Care Month. It is one month out of twelve that we bring awareness to youths who are a part of the child welfare system. Right now, there are over 13,000 children in foster care in Michigan. Children who are in foster care are there through NO FAULT of their own. These children suffer from trauma after trauma at the hands of others. Some traumas are a lot more intense than others, but it doesn’t diminish the fact that it’s still a trauma.

These children need help. There are so many ways that you can get involved:

First – ADOPT
There are over 300 children in Michigan right now who are in need of an adoptive home; a Forever Family. These children are strong, brave, resilient, and incredible humans. What they want is a normal life. What they need is for someone to take a chance on them; and not give up. To learn more about this process, visit the Michigan Adoption Resource Exchange, or MARE.

Second – FOSTER
There is a staggering shortage of foster homes in Michigan (and every other state as well). Not sure if fostering is right for you? Take some time to attend a free orientation at a local agency to learn more. For a list of agencies, visit DHHS (Department of Health and Human Services) or MARE.

Third – MENTOR
Many of our older youths in foster care are in need of a positive role model. Someone who can be a good influence in their life. Someone to turn to, someone to talk to, someone to ask for help from. Think of everything you learned from growing up in a home with family around. How to drive a car, cut the grass, do laundry, cook. These older foster youths did not grow up in family settings. They did not learn these things we may take for granted. You could be the person who taught these kids these life skills. Visit Mentor Michigan for information on what it means to be a mentor, and how to become one.

Fourth – VOLUNTEER
Contact your local private agency or DHHS office to learn about opportunities to volunteer. Most private agencies have many events and activities throughout the year that support our foster families. There is always a need for volunteers to help work the event, clean up, or provide a service for these events.

Fifth – DONATE
Children in foster care come with close to nothing. Often times, children move from foster home to foster home. Usually leaving a little behind each time. Families involved in foster care are either the birth families fighting to get their children back or the foster families, doing what they can to care for these children. These families and children need help. They need clothing, toiletries, household items, school supplies, toys, books, shoes. They need so much. You can help by donating these new or gently used items. These items can be donated to your local DHHS office, a private agency, or the Foster Closet of Michigan.

Memorial Day Festivities In Metro Detroit

By

Kim C.

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May 24, 2016

Many people will fill their Memorial holiday weekend this year with barbecues and trips to the beach; concerts and festivals. The moms at DMB are more than ready to jump start this summer with some outdoor fun! So who better to bring you all the latest happenings in your neighborhood so you can enjoy a beautiful Michigan weekend with the family? We want you to get out there and shake the winter off with one of these wonderful family friendly events!

At the same time, let us not forget that Memorial Day is a day to honor the men and women who have died while in service of this great nation. At DMB, between the family gatherings, the games of horseshoes and unofficially kicking off the summer season, we will take some time to celebrate and honor the lives of those who have made the ultimate sacrifice. We’ve included many opportunities to take your family to help honor them as well.

Events/Festivals:

Addison Oaks Campground: May 27 – May 30

Honor our Veterans with a decorated bicycle parade, patriotic crafts, bingo, face painters, magic show, team games, inflatable, DJ dance, wagon rides and bands.

Detroit Electronic Music Festival: May 28 – May 30, Hart Plaza 12pm – 12am Daily

Celebrating its 10th anniversary Movement continues to embrace its tradition of promoting up-and-comers, local luminaries, trailblazers and pioneers of electronic music, in the birthplace of Techno.

Flint: Summer Kick-off Celebration: May 28, 2016

Welcoming summer 2016 with their Annual Summer Kick-Off Celebration. FREE family fun including bounce houses, live music, activities, and everyone’s favorite, FIREWORKS!

Frankenmouth: Balloons Over Bavarian Inn Festival: May 27 – May 30:

Event and activities include Frankenmouth: Balloons Over Bavarian Inn Festival (May 30), Dog Bowl Lots of great events for your pup! Hot Air Balloons competing in morning and evening flights as they float over Frankenmuth.

Greenfield Village: Civil War Remembrance: May 28-30, 2016

Hundreds of Union and Confederate re-enactors, civilians, musicians and historic presenters — all in period clothing — converge, eager to share their knowledge with you.

Groveland Oaks Campground: May 27 – May 30

Honor our Veterans with a decorated bicycle parade, patriotic crafts, bingo, face painters, magic show, team games, inflatable, DJ dance, wagon rides and bands.

Hazel Park Memorial Festival: May 27 – May 30

This five day festival includes a carnival, refreshment tent including live music, baseball exhibition games, car show, bingo, and culminates with the Memorial Day Parade.

Lake St. Clair Metropark: Sunday Night Concert with Nicole New: May 29, 2016

This Detroiter’s eclectic style of singing, drawing from her early influences of performing Jazz, pop, opera and musical theatre has transformed into a sound all her own.

Mackinaw City Pageant, Bridge Walk and Fireworks: May 28 – May 30, 2016

Re-Creation of historical events and visitors can meet famous Indian Chiefs in the longest running FREE historical Memorial Day performance in the nation. Fireworks are May 28^th at dusk.

Orchard Lake: St. Mary’s Polish Country Fair: May 27 – May 30,

Events and activities include carnival rides, food, Dancing, Bingo , Raffle, shopping and a kids area with things to do and see!

Rochester Heritage Days Festival: May 28 – May 29

Events and activities include lumberjack shows, craft show, live animals, car show, food and a historical civil war encampment.

Stoney Creek Metropark: Hook Line and Sinker Fishing Tournament: May 28, 2016

Benefiting the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Includes continental breakfast and prizes!

Troy Family Aquatic Center – FREE ADMISSION! : May 27, 2016 (Noon to 7:30 pm)

USPBL Baseball – Opening Day: May 30, 2016

Opening Day of this league in their brand new ball park in Utica, MI!

Parades/Remembrances:

Auburn Hills Memorial Day Parade: May 30, 2016

The parade begins at the American Legion Hall on Churchill and then proceeds to the cemetery and then back to the Legion Hall.

Beverly Hills Memorial Day Parade and Carnival: May 30, 2016

The parade begins in the east parking lot of Groves High School, travels north on Evergreen to Beverly and concludes at Beverly Park. Carnival follows the Parade at Beverly Park.

Birmingham Memorial Day Service: May 30, 2016

Shain Park – The program includes a wreath laying at the monuments and live music.

Chelsea Memorial Day Parade: May 30, 2016, 10:00am

The parade route heads south on Main St., east on Park St., north on East St. and east on Middle St., ending at Oak Grove Cemetery for a traditional ceremony honoring our veterans.

Clawson Memorial Day Ceremony: May 30, 2016

Honor and remember our military as sponsored by Clawson’s American Legion.

Dearborn Memorial Day Parade: May 20, 2016

The parade will begin at Maple and Michigan and travel west on Michigan Avenue to end the new Veterans Park and War Memorial.

Farmington Memorial Day Parade: May 30, 2016,

Parade begins near the intersection of Grand River Avenue and Orchard Lake Road and travels one mile west on Grand River.

Lake Orion Memorial Day Parade: May 30, 2016

Pay homage to our veterans with military salutes, a wreath-placing ceremony, special guests and music.

Livonia Memorial Day Ceremony: May 28, 2016

Corner of 5 Mile and Farmington Rd. A tribute to our Veterans – complete with military salutes, a wreath-placing ceremony, special guests and music.

Madison Heights Memorial Day Parade and Pancake Breakfast: May 28, 2016

Begins at Dartmouth and John R and travels north along John R to 13 Mile, and will conclude in front of City Hall.

Northville Memorial Day Parade : May 30, 2016

The parade draws thousands of people each year to honor our veterans.

Novi Memorial Day Parade : May 30, 2016

Parade route travels along Ten Mile beginning at Karim Blvd. Memorial Service at the Novi Civic Center after the parade concludes.

Rochester Memorial Day Parade : May 30, 2016

The opening ceremony begins Mt. Avon Cemetery and travels to Veterans Memorial Pointe.

Royal Oak Memorial Day Parade : May 30, 2016

Starting at Main St. and Harrison, proceeding North to 2nd Street, then east to the Veteran’s Memorial.

Southfield Memorial Day Ceremony : May 27, 2016

Pay homage to our veterans with military salutes, a wreath-placing ceremony, special guests and music.

St. Clair Shores Memorial Day Parade: May 29, 2016, 1:00pm traveling North along Harper Avenue from Little Mack to 11 Mile Road.

Troy Memorial Day Ceremony: May 30, 2016

Veterans Plaza in front of City Hall.

Waterford Memorial Day Parade: May 30, 2016

Parade begins at Burke Lumber and continues North to Walton Blvd./Williams Lake Rd

Walled Lake Memorial Day Parade: May 30, 2016

The parade begins at Walled Lake Dr. and Maple and runs along Pontiac Trail.

Westland Veterans Memorial Day Parade: May 29, 2016

Parade begins at the Wayne Ford Civic League and ends at the Westland Public Library.

Ypsilanti Memorial Day Parade: May 30, 2016,

North down Huron St. to Cross St. and on to River St. ending at the cemetery.

Our Walk From Foster Care To Adoption

By

nikkidockery

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May 24, 2016

We were in the wake of a devastating family tragedy when we met our son. It was late into the evening on Friday, August 23, 2013 when he was placed into my arms for the first time. He was a tiny peanut just shy of being 4 weeks old, barely sustaining his 5 pounds of life. He was the smallest baby I’d ever held. I didn’t know then that I was holding my first born. I didn’t know then the whirlwind that would be the following 23 months. I didn’t know then that my heart could love another human the way I would come to love him. That was the night my husband and I met Kaiden and rocked him in our arms for the first time. As we cooed and stared at his precious face, we had no idea what journey we were about to embark on. The journey of foster care to adoption.

Five days after we met Kaiden, he was placed with us through Child Protection Services. Our situation was unique in comparison to a lot of foster families. Kaiden’s birth mother is my younger sister. Circumstances at the time led CPS to remove him from her care and place him with us temporarily. We were told 3-6 months, AT MOST, until she was able to get him back.

The first few months were scary and hard. We were thrown into the thick of caring for a newborn suddenly on top of DHS visitation schedules, court appointments and paperwork… so much paperwork. All of which did not compare to the emotional struggle of dealing with my sister and the family dynamic that was forever changed the moment we decided to do this.

It was when Kaiden was about five months old that we started discussing the viability of this being a long term deal, and that adoption could be on the horizon. And it was then that we really embraced being his mom and dad instead of his aunt and uncle.

In those short five months, I came to love this tiny person who I did not grow in my belly, but may as well have. He had me wrapped around his chunky little baby finger. It was just a few months prior that I stood on my soapbox shouting about how we would be the married childless couple and I reveled in that! Oh the freedom we had and how we loved it so much. It was just us two, free as birds to come and go as we please. We would sit back and enjoy our sleeping in and regular movie dates as our friends complained about their cranky infants with dark circles under their eyes. It wasn’t until the raw moments of caring for a newborn that I realized life isn’t always about those trivial things.

We had court every few months so they could check in on the progress of the birth parents and how their relationship was coming along with Kaiden. Those were some of my hardest moments. Sitting there in court, while neither parent showed up, and them (the court) offering chance after chance for the parents to get their act together. WE were Kaiden’s parents. WE were the ones loving him, nourishing him and snuggling him. WE were the ones who saw the first time he clapped his hands together in excitement or the first time he wiggled his way across the room. Why should these birth parents get yet another chance at taking him away from us?

But such is life within the foster care system. The unknowns swirl around you with constant uncertainty and hopefulness.

And the weekly visits… oh the weekly visits. Each week the birth parents were given two hours, once a week, to spend time with Kaiden supervised by DHS. And week after week they wouldn’t show up. This was heartbreaking. Devastating. As much as I wanted them to not show up so this could be over with it still broke my heart every time knowing that they were choosing to not see him.

I would have nightmares of Kaiden being taken from us. He was our child. He was our son. And to ever picture him being anywhere else without us? It shattered my heart into a million pieces every single time the thought entered my mind. But we both accepted that it was a potential reality, that it was a possibility. We had to prepare ourselves for the worst. We had to be prepared for him to be taken from us and to never see him again.

The family dynamic of all this is so crucial to our story. Somehow, to many people on either side, we were the bad guys. We were taking on the role of Kaiden’s parents and we didn’t have the right to do so (or so some thought). However, our perspective was much different. Kaiden’s biological parents weren’t stepping up to be that for him. We were the ones seeing the day to day ins and outs of what was really transpiring with his biological parents and it wasn’t fair that Kaiden was the one who would suffer. So we accepted that this would be our role for him in his life, even if it would be temporary. We would rather be the ones to carry the emotional burden later on if he were ripped from us.

After several months, court hearings, tears, heartache and disappointment, in November of 2014 the biological parents rights were terminated by the State of Michigan. This began our process to adoption which we assumed would be fairly simple. However, we hit some speed bumps along the way, notably being when the biological father filed for an appeal of the termination of rights which could inevitably prolong our adoption process to another 9-12 months.

A few months after the appeal was filed Kaiden’s biological father passed away. I was incredibly broken-hearted over this and mostly for my son. It was yet another part of his life that was chosen for him. If and when he would ever want to meet his birth father, that choice was taken from him.

Two weeks before Kaiden’s 2^nd birthday we got the call we’d been waiting to hear for nearly 2 years – he was officially a Dockery.

There are so many things that come up when I write about Kaiden’s foster care and adoption story. I could write page after page about the turmoil in my heart during this time period. I have so many emotions tied to this as I’m sure most would, but more so because he once belonged to my sister. And that’s a fact that will forever remain unchanged.

During the two years that Kaiden was a ward of the state he was always my son – I just didn’t know it. He was my first born. He was the one that taught me more about myself than being married and childless ever could have. He was the one who made me a mom, and to that I am eternally grateful.

And to my dearest son, Kaiden John Paul Dockery:
You grew in my heart instead of my belly. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Love,
Momma

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.” – Oceans by Hillsong United

May is Foster Care Awareness month. Check out https://www.childwelfare.gov/fostercaremonth/ for more information on how you can become a foster parent and save a child’s life.

I Fed My Baby Where You Peed

By

Elizabeth Lewis

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May 22, 2016

It wasn’t until I was placed in a bathroom to feed my brand new baby that I understood the pure anger a mother feels when stores don’t accommodate breastfeeding mothers. I hadn’t really thought about it. I read about it, I heard about it but I’d never experienced it. It’s not that I didn’t care, I just didn’t give it a second thought. I can tell you it’s something that won’t infuriate you until you’re standing there, in a dirty bathroom, trying to feed a new baby while standing up that you realize just how wrong it is that stores don’t educate their staff or have a halfway decent place we can just sit down. Just for a few minutes. Just so our babies aren’t eating in a place that someone just peed all over the seat and didn’t wipe up because frankly they don’t care or even worse, did a number two minutes before you walked in. Think about that one…

DirtyBathroom1 — This my friends is the actual bathroom.

You may be wondering why I took a new baby into a store. Well it’s simple. He’s number 3. Life still has to go on. I have two other children that need me. That particular day my daughter needed something specific from a store. So we packed up our family and headed out. Because I’m breastfeeding he didn’t have a choice. Into the car he went. It felt good to get out. To walk around. To see people. To breathe the fresh air in.

We got into the store and my daughter seemed to take what seemed like forever. I knew at any minute that little man of mine was going to want to eat (blessed with a cluster feeder over here). As I heard him get restless I figured I better have a game plan. Preparing myself to feed him was way better than waiting until the last minute. I walked over to the the young lady standing by the changing rooms and I kindly asked her if I could use one of the changing rooms to feed my baby. It wouldn’t take long. There wasn’t a single person occupying them. Not one person. She looked at me and excitedly said, “Oh, we have somewhere you can feed your baby.” I was surprised but excited that they had a nursing room. Why wouldn’t they?! They were a large well known company. Then she opens the door for me and it’s a bathroom, yes, a dirty, stinky bathroom.

The better part of the story is that when the manager found out I was in the bathroom this young lady came over to quietly knock on the door to let me know it was ok to use a changing room to feed. Quite honestly I was in shock and my baby was hungry. I did stand there and nurse him enough to keep him content. What’s a woman to do with engorged breasts and a postpartum state of mind?! I walked out to grab my husband (who was being apologized to by the manager countless times) and let him know I was ready. Like I really don’t want to shop here ready. To some you may be wondering what the big deal is but to women who’ve experienced this or could in the future. It’s. A. Big. Deal.

It was in that very moment that I realized how crazy it is that companies don’t consider this. This wasn’t a mom and pop shop. This was a well known store that carried baby clothes. A place that would clearly have breastfeeding mothers in it. A store that could afford it. We aren’t asking for a spa like room with comfy chairs and lit candles. We are asking for a place to take a seat, to feed our babies and a place that’s clean. I can feed just about anywhere but I’m on baby #3. I’m comfortable and confident feeding. I can manage to feed my baby fully clothed, boobs concealed and little attention drawn to myself but it isn’t like that for everyone. First time, even second time moms won’t feel that way. They want privacy. They want to feel comfortable feeding their baby without worry about having a Janet Jackson half time moment while trying to just figure out what exactly they’re doing. Is this really too much to ask? I want to be clear in this is not just for the breastfeeding mother but for the mother wanting to sit down and feed her baby a bottle. It’s for any mother…

Take a minute to consider what it would feel like if you were asked to eat in the bathroom. Regardless of whether or not you breastfeed – just think about it.

Helping Your Child To Proactively Deal With Bullies

By

Mary

-

May 19, 2016

When I saw her come out of school crying, I immediately went into panic mode. I scooped her up in my arms and wiped away the tears. I wanted to take away the hurt, and yet I felt so helpless.

As a parent you never want to see your child hurting, especially because of the words or actions of another child. So when bullying happens, even to a smaller degree, how do you rise above it? How can you help your kid to be prepared for the time when a bully may strike?

Bullying is alive and well, and we’ve all dealt with it to some degree throughout the years. If you think back on your own childhood, there’s a good chance that you yourself dealt with bullies before there was even much attention on them.

I’m not saying that my children have been targets or that the bullying has been extreme. In this day and age though, any instance of a child being cruel or saying hurtful things is taken very seriously. We just live in a different society now—and if you ignore the unkind words and actions it can evolve into so much more. So helping your kids early on can really set a good tone.

Here’s the thing—I never imagined having to tell my daughter to stand up for herself in kindergarten. Yes even five year old sweet little girls can be mean! I was astonished but I immediately went into “mama bear mode”. I tried to make sense out of why somebody would pick on my child? The reality is that you may never be able to figure it out, but you as the parent can do your best with a proactive strategy.

Give Your Kids Three Steps To Dealing With Bullies

It boiled down to a three step approach that we’ve kept with and it has worked really well for both of my kids. We talk about bullies, we talk about how words and actions can hurt, and we talk about being kind and treating people well. They know that it is expected of them to be kind and treat people nicely.

So if somebody isn’t giving them the same respect or if they have a problem, then these three steps are what they inherently know they can turn to for help with the problem.

Step 1: If somebody says something unkind or hurts your feelings, then you first stand up to them. You tell them that it’s not okay to talk to you that way and that they are hurting your feelings.

Step 2: If they physically hurt you or touch you, or if they continue saying cruel things then you go to your teacher or an adult. At their young age, I tell them that the teacher or adult is there to help them. I don’t care if it’s a noon aide, a teacher, or another parent, if you can’t handle the situation or if it’s keeping up or getting worse then you ask the adult in charge for some help.

Step 3: Mommy gets involved! I don’t want it to get to this point for a variety of reasons. Let’s be honest here and say that mommy knows what’s going on because we talk about these things. I hope and pray that they always talk to me, but for now I will embrace the fact that they still do. I will try my best to let them work it out for themselves, but if things are still happening or if they are getting worse then mommy will be at school meeting with the adults to figure out what’s going on and how to get it under control.

It may not be a foolproof method and I recognize that this may not work forever. For now though, this helps them to build confidence and sharpen their skills in conflict resolution. That will come in handy as an adult, because as we know bullies exist at any age and stage of life.

We also do role playing with our kids if somebody says or does something mean to them. We talk openly about peer pressure, because believe it or not that’s already come up in second grade.

Kids Can Be Mean So Talk To Your Kids About It

I can’t believe how quickly kids are growing up; they’re saying and doing things way earlier than we did. I also can’t believe how many parents aren’t talking to their kids or teaching them manners or discipline. Life can be cruel sometimes and so can people—and I feel like talking to our kids about what they may encounter helps a lot.

It’s a fine balance and we’re still working it out all the time. Sometimes kids are just mean without being actual bullies, but helping to instill confidence in our kids helps them to be prepared for anything.

Though the cruel words from other kids may hurt, I do know that they have the confidence and knowledge to try to let them roll off. I also know that they have a few ways of coping and hope that the bullying never gets bigger than them because of this.

I will do my best to stay involved in their life, to know what’s going on in their days, and to help them to be prepared for the kid that just doesn’t quit. All I can hope is that this will help my kids to know how to deal with these situations if they arise. I hope that “mama bear” doesn’t have to come out and that my kids are ready and able to handle conflict if and when it arises!

In Their Own Words: A Kids’ Take on Parents who Travel for Work

By

Kate Bell

-

May 18, 2016

Thanks for reading along with our last two posts from moms who have travel as part of their family story.

If you missed it, here are the links:

Working Mom: Travel Required

Traveling Husband: when Mom stays home

Of course, being moms, kids are always on our heart and mind… which made us wonder ” how do the kids feel?” So, we interviewed a group of kids each who have a parent who travels. From their response we compiled a list of questions. Here is what the kids had to say. Honest to goodness kid words. Some sat silent for responses, some were random, well, go ahead read on – enjoy:

What is special when mommy/daddy leaves?

Nothing. I just really miss him. And there is less yelling – (8)
Sometimes, I get to sleep with mama. (4)
We have time with you. (5)
I get some alone time in the Lego room (8)
Giving hugs to Daddy (5)
Phone calls with him while he is gone (7)
I get to sleep in his bed and cuddle with Mama. (5)
I like how Mama gets us pizza when he’s gone and we do some fun things while he’s gone. I also like that I get to be the “Man of the house” (13)
When my dad leaves I can spend more time with my mom. Daddy always kisses me goodbye and gives me a pep talk for the week, like if I have basketball he reminds me to follow thru on my shot. (10)
I watch him go down the street, then he honks and I wave. (8)
Playing with daddy. (3)

What is special when they come back home?

We get to play with daddy. (5)
Daddy tries to do fun things. (4)
Read at my school. Takes me to airtime (8)
I get some time with just daddy in the Lego room (8)
Playing with him (5)
Giving lots of hugs and playing family soccer (7)
She give us a surprise (4)
I like when Daddy brings us candy or gifts. I like that he’s back so we can start wrestling again. We get to have our family movie night again. (5)
The gifts are cool from all the places he travels to. (13)
I get to tell him how I did in all my activities, give him lots of hugs and kisses and hear about is work. (10)
We play basketball outside (8)
I was happy when mama came home and brought me a present. (3)

What do you miss when mommy/daddy is gone?

I miss playing Legos with daddy. (5)
Dad makes good pancakes (8)
I miss going in dads workshop (8)
I miss playing with him (5 and 7)
I miss mama the most (4)
I miss Daddy when he’s gone and his funny characters. I miss wrestling and him making my lunches. (5)
I miss his help with Math and I miss how he is there to help out my mom. (13)
I miss him coming to my sports events. Also when he makes me laugh with his jokes. (10)
I miss everything about him. (8)
Playing with mama and saying prayers. (3)

What do you like about being home with just your mommy/daddy?

Have breakfast with mommy and brother. (5)
You pick us up from school every day, which I really appreciate. (8)
I get to sleep with my mom sometimes (4)
“I just like everything with mom like when she teaches me basketball” (8)
Playing with kitties (seriously, he said that) (5)
Nothing (ouch! after seeing the look on my face he said) I like the whole family being together rather than just one person being left out. And he does like practicing for family soccer with just mommy. (7)
I get to sleep on the floor every night! (4)
I get to sleep in her bed with her. She will take me to get ice cream, take me to a movie, and to the park. (5)
She helps me get through homework faster so we can all go out someplace cool and have time together that is not just home and school. I like getting to spend time with her and help her out with things I normally don’t have to, but I’m glad when my Dad comes back so I don’t have to anymore! (13)
I like that we can do girl things! Also, I can bond with her while we do something fun together. (10)
Mommy’s just fun! (8)
Daddy and I lay in mamas bed and watch Frozen. (3) (That’s right – even when I am not there – It’s MY bed!)

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