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From New Year’s Resolution to Recognition

woman smiling sitting on chair

New Year, New You? There is a chill in the air and the magic of the holidays is brewing. But the holidays quickly give way to something else. We’re inundated with marketing and other messaging promoting the idea of “new year, new you.” But this year, I am trading my New Year’s resolution for a New Year’s recognition.

Instead of setting some lofty goal for myself, I am going to intentionally acknowledge and celebrate all the things I am succeeding at.

It Was the Best of Times . . . It Was the Worst of Times . . .

With two small children (ages three and five), I am in the thick of motherhood. We are not entirely free of diapers, but are also navigating school, activities, and playground politics. In this season of life, I am all at once the best and worst version of myself.

On one hand, I am a mess. I am anxious, exhausted, over-scheduled, and overwhelmed. I snap at my husband when I’m tired. All of my “baby weight” has hung around and I am perpetually five minutes late. I raise my voice with the kids more than I would like and there are times where I go stretches without showering so long that I refuse to state the actual length of time on this public forum.

On the other hand, I am a superhero. I keep my kids fed and (mostly) wearing clean clothes. My husband and I make spending time together a priority and go on weekly dates. I deal with complex legal issues at work but also make time for socializing with friends and hobbies like theater and fitness. On top of work and family, I write for blogs, serve on boards for multiple non-profits, and am (mostly) a kind person.

It would be easy to focus on the messier aspects of my life. A new year is a perfect excuse to set the goal of losing five pounds or arriving five minutes early. But resolutions don’t usually make you feel good and are rarely successful long-term.

What if this year, instead of listening to the all the messaging (internal and external) telling me to be better, I celebrated the parts of me that are already great? Instead of looking in the mirror in the morning and pinching the fat on my stomach, what if I said, “You have a beautiful smile” to my reflection? What if instead of beating myself up for being a few minutes late to brunch with friends, I celebrated that I made it at all?

New Year, Same Amazing You!

I am tired of resolving to be better. I want to recognize the amazing things I am doing. You might read this and think you are not doing anything amazing. But we both know that you are.

Maybe you have a new baby and all you did today was feed the baby and change diapers. That’s amazing. Maybe you are dealing with depression and all you did was literally make it through the day. That’s amazing. Maybe this was the year you got married, had a baby, left a bad relationship, got a new job, adopted a dog, started doing yoga, planted a tomato garden, or just figured out how to change the time on your microwave clock. Those things are all amazing and deserve recognition.

Maybe this new year, we trade resolutions for the recognition we deserve. New year, same amazing you.

It’s so easy to feel overwhelmed in motherhood. Orna is sharing easy ways to enjoy, refresh, + energize in motherhood!

Easy Ways to Enjoy, Refresh, + Energize in Motherhood

As mothers it is easy to be swept up by motherhood. It is easy to lose sight of ourselves and who we were prior to becoming moms. As much as we love and adore our children, they are all-consuming. Not that there is anything wrong with the amount of time we give to our children–that time just needs to be balanced with everything else.

If you’re a mother and you feel like you have lost part of yourself to motherhood, it’s important to ask yourself the following question: What lit your soul on fire prior to motherhood? If the fire of your former self has burnt out, you are not alone. So many moms are shells of who they used to be. But it’s crucial that this narrative changes.

First, give yourself some grace. Then, give yourself the permission to take the time to refresh, energize, and enjoy yourself in motherhood. It does not make you selfish–it makes you human. When your cup is full, you will have more to pour out to others.

If you are looking for ways to refresh, energize, and enjoy yourself in motherhood again, please consider the following suggestions.

Savor the Outdoors

Go on a walk, tend a garden, sit on your porch with some lemonade. Getting fresh air is good for the soul. Try to get outdoors at least once a day if possible. Listen to all the sounds around you, take a deep breath, and soak it all in. Get ready to be refreshed simply by walking out your door.

Schedule Monthly Gatherings

As moms it is difficult making time in our schedules for ourselves. Most evenings, we are tending our homes or driving our children from one activity to the next. But it’s important to have time with other adults; to laugh and feel like us. That’s why scheduling a monthly night out (or night in) with friends is a game changer.

If we don’t put it on the schedule weeks out, it won’t happen. Therefore, find a date on the calendar that works for you and invite others. Try to commit to scheduling something monthly. Of course, not everyone will always be able to make it, and that’s okay. You’ll still be able to make it, and if for some reason nobody shows–take an evening for yourself! Either way it’s a win-win.

Take a Class

Whether an exercise class, art class, or cooking class, commit to signing up for something that sparks joy for you. No guilt allowed, momma. You deserve to invest in your well-being. Even if the class is via zoom, that still counts!

Find something that you can consistently fit into your schedule. Having trouble finding the time? Consider dropping something else from your busy schedule, even if it is something good. Sometimes saying “no” to good things allows us to say “yes” to better things. It’s important not to lose our own creativity while taking care of everyone else.

Travel + Explore New Places

Another way to refresh, energize, and enjoy yourself in motherhood is to write out a list of all the places near and far you hope to visit one day. After the list is compiled, if it’s in your budget, get ready to go! Commit to traveling to one of the faraway places within a year. For the nearby places, commit to exploring at least one every month if possible. Getting out in the world and discovering something new is rejuvenating for the soul. You’ll be sure to emerge from your travels with a full heart every time.

Give Yourself Grace

You’re doing the best you can! Motherhood is busy. And for some seasons, it is going to be extra difficult to do what’s required to feel energized, refreshed, and full of joy. During these seasons, the best thing a mom can give herself is grace.

We often get so wrapped up in our children’s lives, the first thing we drop from our calendar is ourselves. But in order to feel energized, refreshed, and full of joy as moms, we must stop feeling guilty and make our wants and needs a priority, too.

The world is at our fingertips. Whether this means taking a walk, signing up for that art class via zoom, seeing our girlfriends, discovering new places, or fill-in-the-blank . . . Mommas, let’s refuse to become shells of who we used to be. Let’s commit to changing the narrative, starting today.

Looking for more inspiration? Renee shares inspiring ways to embrace a changing body, mind, and soul!

How Chiropractic Care Can Help Manage Stressors

Detroit Mom partnered with the amazing people from Essential Family Chiropractic to bring you this post. All opinions are our own.

Merry Christmas & happy holidays! Many of our Essential Family Chiropractic mamas share about stress, which is certainly known to feel amplified during this season. You might be familiar with the mental gymnastics–coordinating schedules, making thoughtful purchases, and the never-ending to-do lists. Holidays may bring up emotions from the loss of loved ones or triggers from past hurt. The emotional stress of those mental gymnastics and grief turns physical with lower tone in the body.

Then, let’s add in some of the stress that comes with all of the fun holiday parties! Most of our parties include food and drinks we would not typically choose for ourselves and families. These are chemical stressors our bodies then need to detox out. How about when we frantically clean our homes, hang up thousands of lights, and have to hold a specific posture putting the angel on the Christmas tree at just the right angle? Sounds physically stressful to us!

We’ve all been there and you need to know that there are better ways to manage your emotional, chemical, and physical stressors (that quite literally weigh down your body) way more effectively than the “I’ll grin and bear it” approach. Our Essential Family Chiropractic families recognize with consistent chiropractic care that their stress seems to affect them less. They notice changes in their body such as higher energy levels, deeper sleep . . . and that family member who seems to push all the buttons, no longer seems as irritating. Why is this? Chiropractic care helps to balance and regulate the nervous system, which in turn regulates our stress responses. 

Your Nervous System | Stress Response

When we live in this state of stress without a way to help our body manage it, stress changes how our nervous system functions. We have two major parts of our nervous system (NS)–the sympathetic NS and the parasympathetic NS. If we think where parents spend most of their time mentally, read below and see if it aligns with your own thoughts: 

“Where is Emmie? Is she safe, playing well with others, and doing well without me?” “Did Cooper just get punched by the other boy?” You jump up in case he needs you. Nevermind, it was a false alarm. “That slide is exactly the kind Myles loves to climb up the wrong way. Be sure he is remembering the right way to use it when the playground is busy.” “What is that person by the woods doing here? I haven’t seen them with any children.” Gotta keep an eye on him. 

Sitting next to you is another parent, but certainly no meaningful conversation is taking place. Both of you are worried for your littles in this moment. 

Did any of these thoughts sound familiar?

None of these thoughts have to do with personal well-being. “I’m thirsty but don’t have water.” That can wait. “When’s the last time I peed? Did I eat lunch?” You could probably use a restroom, but you have too much to do and too little time.

And we get it. We understand the fight or flight response, thanks to our sympathetic NS. When we are stuck here for long-term, our body learns this as normal. It is normal to not listen to our thirst indicators, not get proper nutrition, not rest when our body is screaming that it needs it. Obviously, these situations are not normal, but they are common. Our nervous system is more focused on survival from perceived threats than vital functions, especially in moments of higher stress.

Now think about being at the spa. Kids are with grandma for a day of fun. You can enjoy massage, facial, and nail appointments. The peaceful music and warmth of the masseuse’s hands make you almost fall asleep. “Ooh, this steamy latte they brought during the mani-pedi was just what mama needed!” Your parasympathetic NS is focusing on vital body functions again. It allows your heart to pump at a regular healthy rhythm and allows you to digest foods well, get a great night’s sleep, and listen to your body with more ease. 

Could you possibly feel similar relaxation (internal peace) in the playground scenario? How many of us have felt on edge like you are at the playground, but trying to relax at the spa? While it is important to spend time in both parts of the nervous system, our body is really good at surviving. Without a way to regulate our nervous system, it will choose to stay in fight or flight–in order to keep your family safe. 

Stressors + Your Body

Emotional stressors manifest as physical burdens in the body. It causes more stress hormones to be made that act on the nervous system. And, when the brain is distracted with stress, it has to prioritize problem-solving to find a solution. You only have so much bandwidth to get kids to activities, cook food, keep the house clean, plan for future events, etc. Your brain only has so much bandwidth to coordinate all of the actions of your body. 

This is where it switches from parasympathetic focus (your digestion, sleep, and detox processes) to sympathetic focus (sending blood to your arms and legs instead of vital organs, and running on stress hormones). Stress also interferes with sending messages (via brain waves along nerves) to muscles surrounding the spine. This results in the spinal muscles being weakened. This slight weakness or lack of tone, that we rarely consciously feel, makes our spine susceptible to misalignment.

When we are out of alignment, small physical stressors like sneezing, picking up a laundry basket, or other “low stress” daily activity we have done hundreds of times is much more likely to have a long-lasting impact on our body than it ever would have before.

You might be wondering, “Great, so what am I supposed to do about it? Run away from all responsibility and stressors?” Some days that might sound like the only answer. However, we have a better one! But first, you should know what is happening on a deeper level in your body.

Stress + Chiropractic Care

Stress leads to low tone in our spinal muscles causing us to subluxate (when bones go out of alignment causing irritation in our nervous system). The nerves affected could be nerves transmitting signals to muscles, glands, organs–some we can feel, many we cannot. So, even if we don’t have pain, we can absolutely still have a subluxation causing all kinds of issues. It can cause us to get stuck in sympathetic mode (playground mama) even when the stress is absent (spa mama). This will continue to suppress your rest, digestion, reproduction, and healing modes.

Gentle and specific chiropractic care in a subluxation-focused office can help to free your brain and nervous system from the constant pressure on nerves. With each and every adjustment, we are guiding your brain back towards spa-type focus. This enables your brain to bounce back and forth between playground and spa modes, as necessary. This means our mamas often welcome back proper digestion, better sleep, and more patience with their kiddos and spouse. Sounds like we have achieved that inner peace, even during the busy holiday season!

Trinity Health IHA Midwives’ 8 Aspects of Women’s Health

Detroit Mom partnered with the amazing people from Trinity Health IHA Medical Group to bring you this post. All opinions are our own.

Women’s health encompasses a wide range of specialties, risks, and conditions unique to the female body and mind. In the intricate landscape of women’s health, Trinity Health IHA Medical Group Nurse midwives provide comprehensive, evidence-based medicine to foster well-being for the whole woman.

Committed to empowering women to take control of their own health, the midwives practice shared decision-making with each patient. This collaborative relationship starts with sharing information and health education. The more a woman knows about her body and health, the more confidently she can make decisions for herself.

According to our Nurse Midwives, these are some of the most important aspects of midwifery services when it comes to caring for women: 

Holistic Approach to Women’s Health

Trinity Health IHA Medical Group Nurse Midwives emphasize holistic care, recognizing that a woman’s well-being extends beyond physical health. This approach considers emotional, social, and cultural aspects, fostering a comprehensive understanding of women’s health. 

Empowering Informed Choices

Central to midwifery is the principle of empowering women to make informed decisions about their health. Trinity Health IHA Medical Group Nurse Midwives provide information, discuss options, and respect each woman’s autonomy in shaping her healthcare journey. 

Prenatal Care

Midwives offer comprehensive prenatal care, monitoring the health of both mother and baby. This involves regular check-ups, nutritional guidance, and emotional support to ensure a healthy pregnancy. 

Celebrating the Process of Pregnancy + Birth

Nurse Midwives advocate for a natural, low-intervention approach to childbirth when possible. Pregnancy and birth are a natural process. Trinity Health IHA Medical Group Nurse Midwives support women in experiencing these milestones in a way that aligns with their individual preferences. 

Emotional Support

Trinity Health IHA Medical Group Nurse Midwives recognize the emotional and psychological dimensions of women’s health. They provide continuous emotional support during pregnancy, childbirth, the postpartum period, and beyond pregnancy. This support can contribute significantly to a positive experience in your health journey.

Cultural Competence

Midwives are trained to be culturally competent, understanding, and respecting of the diverse backgrounds and beliefs of the women they care for. This cultural awareness enhances the effectiveness of care and fosters trust with the women they care for. 

Education as a Foundation

Midwives are educators, providing women with the knowledge and tools they need to make healthy choices throughout their lives. From reproductive health to menopause, Trinity Health IHA Medical Group Nurse Midwives contribute to a woman’s lifelong well-being. 

Care Throughout Your Life

It is important to remember that Trinity Health IHA Medical Group Nurse Midwives can provide the entire spectrum of well-women gynecological care. This includes pregnancy and so much more. Women can receive services from our nurse midwives starting in adolescence all the way through menopausal years. 

In the realm of women’s health, midwives emerge as compassionate guides, steering women through the dynamic and transformative journey of life. Their perspective encompasses the physical, emotional, and cultural aspects of every woman’s unique story.

As we unravel the layers of women’s health through a midwife’s lens, we unveil a narrative of empowerment, support, and the celebration of the inherent strength that defines womanhood.

For more information, contact:

Trinity Health IHA Medical Group Nurse Midwives | Domino’s Farms
4200 Whitehall Dr
Suite 330
Ann Arbor, MI 48105

Trinity Health IHA Medical Group Nurse Midwives | Schoolcraft Campus
19000 St. Joe’s Parkway
Suite 220
Livonia, MI 48152
On the campus of Schoolcraft College, near the intersection of 7 Mile and Haggerty Roads

What We Gain from Playgroups as a Special Needs Family

toddlers on mothers' laps at playgroup

During our pregnancy, we planned and expected to become a special needs family. What we didn’t know was that our son would be born exactly two weeks before the pandemic shut down in 2020. His first year and a half of life were in survival mode, for all of us. Between inpatient hospital stays, medical appointments, sleepless nights running a g-tube, and overall newborn life, we were exhausted. The thought of playgroups sounded out of reach.

The pandemic was isolating for everyone, but at the time, I didn’t realize how much I needed that pause in life. It gave us space and time to learn and grow into the special needs family we are today. But then, we slowly began branching out into playgroup settings.

It wasn’t until October of 2021 that we started leaving the house and branching out. Our son was not yet crawling or mobile, so at 18 months we joined a mom and baby yoga class at Born Yoga in Birmingham, Michigan. The other babies in class were four months to crawlers, however the owner was open and accepting of us. Our son was over the age requirement, but was on trend with the others developmentally in class, and we were welcomed.

It was in these playgroups that we made friends. We met some wonderful moms and babies who have become close friends. We started meeting outside of weekly yoga and even had daily meet-ups and a full calendar over the summer of 2022.

Benefits as a Mom

Before finding this group of friends, I thought my experience with newborns and challenges I faced as a special needs mom were different. However, through our daily park playdates, walks, and groups, I realized we are not that different.

My experiences with feeding through a g-tube compared to a bottle may have physically looked different, but the goal was the same. The sleepless nights or nap struggles conversations are the same. We have the same day in and day out battles that we can relate to, and having a group of friends who share these daily ups and downs has kept me grounded over the past year. 

Benefits for My Son

Then there are the benefits that my son has gained through these friendships and playgroups. He has a whole community of people who cheer him on just as loudly as we do. Even though the group of kids are over a year younger than my son, they are developmentally close. My son just started walking at the age of three, and is just starting to give hugs and love towards the others, who are patiently waiting. 

My son spends a few hours a week in different therapies. However, we find this playgroup is just as important. I find myself checking our playgroup calendar and scheduling therapy/appointments around our time with friends.

Between music, yoga, and park dates, my son thrives in these groups. The constant dancing, head bobbing, and squeals from him light up the whole room. The very first time he hummed and sang along with an OM at yoga, I cried. There is such power in connection with others and OM unites us all in the community. 

Since joining a playgroup my son has gone from 100% g-tube fed to having it removed in July of 2022 and eating everything in sight. Then, there are the physical changes–including sitting to crawling, then walking, and dancing. One of the biggest improvements has been from going to the cardiologist every three months for an echocardiogram, to going annually, and coming off all three heart medications he has been on since birth. I love to think of it as though his friends have cured his heart.

Our Community

If you are looking for a community or connection, some of our favorite playgroups include:

Are you feeling overwhelmed by the IEP process for your school-aged child? Charmaine shares tips for navigating the transitions between meetings.

Where to Find Hot Cocoa Bombs In + Around Detroit

hot cocoa bomb ingredients displayed on counter

*updated 12/14/23

Hot cocoa bombs are all the rage. Local bakers, chocolatiers, and cafes are taking drinking hot cocoa to another level. They turn your ordinary hot cocoa into a gourmet ball of goodness. The inside is a complete surprise considering you have no idea what to expect when that chocolatey outer shell melts. It could be traditional marshmallows or something completely unexpected. If you’re wondering where to find hot cocoa bombs locally, look no further!

PRO TIP: If you see some you want, order them. They sell out fast! I say this because it’s happened to me on numerous occasions. Also, check their deadlines for ordering. Not everyone has them on hand or they may just be making them during a certain period of time. The demand is high, so don’t delay. Sometimes, they might be sold out, but still making more for upcoming weeks, so keep checking!

hot cocoa bomb ingredients displayed on counterWhere to Find Hot Cocoa Bombs

The Art Attic | Plymouth (Detroit Mom Favorite)

Choco Mania Cafe | Sterling Heights

DB Sweets and Treats | Canton

The Sugar Rush | Grosse Pointe

Sweet Bree’s Bakeshop | Rochester (Detroit Mom Favorite) [not guaranteed for Christmas, but yes for Valentine’s Day!]

Reader Favorites:

Baby Cake Bouquets | Chesterfieled Twp

Courtney Bakes | White Lake [packs of 6 or 12 only]

Desserts by Chiara Dominguez | South Lyon

Dip N’ Sip Co | Detroit [only in bulk–20 for $80]

R + B Charcuterie | Macomb [hot cocoa kits]

So Delish Bakery + Cake Shop | Livonia

Whippin’ Dippin’ Desserts | Rochester Hills  [closed 12/18-1/8]

Did we miss your favorite place to find hot cocoa bombs? Comment below and we’ll add it in!

At Detroit Mom, we are always proud to support local businesses. Check out our guide to women-owned businesses in the area!

Detroit Mom’s Local Love Spotlight: Mikki Gardner

Detroit Mom’s Local Love series highlights local women and the businesses they have built. We love supporting small business! Today’s Local Love Spotlight belongs to Mikki Gardner, owner of Mikki Gardner Life Coaching.

To start, we asked Mikki to share some fun facts about herself with us so we could get to know her a little bit more!

  • She grew up riding horses and moved out to California training for the Olympic Trials!
  • After that, she went to culinary school and owned a catering company and then an event planning company.
  • She is on her 20th move in her life!

After that, we asked Mikki to share a little bit more about her business with us. Get to know her and her business, Mikki Gardner Life Coaching, below!

Photo by Erin Goodrich/Ellie Frances Photography

How did you come up with the idea of your business, and how did you start?

“Out of my own experiences. Going through a divorce and learning how to co-parent was one of the most difficult and [darkest] times in my life. After learning (the hard way with a lot of avoidable mistakes), I wanted to support other women so that they didn’t have to travel the path alone like I did.

“After I was certified as a life coach I started by reaching out to friends and family to tell them what I was up to and asking for referrals. Also, having beta clients where they paid me with their time and feedback so that I could learn how I wanted to work with clients.”

Knowing what you know now, is there anything you would have done differently when you were first starting out?

“COMMUNITY. Being an entrepreneur can be so lonely and feeling like an impostor can be overwhelming. Surround yourself with others who are in a similar stage as you and also find a mentor who has been where you are and is where you want to go. Ask them for their time and support . . . good ones will always be there for you and it is invaluable.”

What is the best business advice you’ve ever been given?

“Your business is not meant to look like other people’s. Your only job is to show up in the best way you can and focus on serving at the highest level possible. Everything else will sort itself out.”

Photo by Erin Goodrich/Ellie Frances Photography

Have you faced adversity in business due to being a woman? How did you navigate that?

“In my first company we merged with another company ran by a 45-year-old male chef who had no interest in listening to a 25-year-old woman. In the industry, there is a lot of sexism and discrimination. My approach was (and still is) to focus more on what I can control, and let the other person argue against themselves. It is about learning which battles to fight and which to let go of.”

How do you persevere in challenging times?

“My meditation practice has been the biggest game changer in my life. Learning how to slow down so that I can tap into my Intuition and stay grounded helps me navigate the challenges with more ease and clarity.”

What impact do you want your business to have?

“My goal is to help the children of divorce. They didn’t ask for their lives to change or be disrupted. To help them have the most stable home and childhood, I believe it begins with helping their mom [to] be healthy, stable, and grounded.”

Photo by Erin Goodrich/Ellie Frances Photography

What are the pros and cons of being a woman business owner in 2023?

“There are so many pros: the flexibility, being in control of your schedule, the freedom to create your dream, being an example to the next generation of women. These can also be cons because just because you can do it all doesn’t mean you should. Learning how to stay aligned so you can live the life you want today instead of creating a life you want to live some day is a challenge.”

What knowledge would you share with someone who wants to become an entrepreneur?

“It’s the best and not for the faint of heart. Entrepreneurship is a long game and can be very lonely. Build a community of like-valued people around you to support you in the challenges, because there will be–not because you did anything wrong, but because that is part of the game.”

What do you do for personal and professional development?

“I have a mentor and coach and am an avid podcast listener.”

Photo by Erin Goodrich/Ellie Frances Photography

What mantra or quote do you live by?

“It’s a toss up depending on the day. Either I am enough (each of us are and always will be) or Everything is Figureoutable. –Marie Forleo”

What’s your favorite place in Detroit or Michigan?

“Glen Arbor and Sleeping Bear Bay.”

Where can our readers find you on social media?

You can follow Mikki Gardner Life Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, and on their website!

We hope you loved getting to know more about Mikki + Mikki Gardner Life Coaching. Be sure to check out our previous Local Love Spotlight featuring Ashley + Higher Living Real Estate!

Anticipatory Nostalgia: Presence Over Perfection

mother and son hugging and smiling on gray couch

I woke my husband up in the middle of the night sobbing. In the quiet of the night, when the house was shut down and no toddlers were at my feet demanding my attention, it hit me: my babies were growing up. How, in the draining, exhausting days that never seem to end, do I have a four-year-old who needs my help less and less, and a 16-month-old who’s bottles were just packed away in the attic?

It all came crashing down on me so overwhelmingly that all I could do was cry. I started seeing images in my mind’s eye of my babies graduating from high school, driving cars, moving away to college . . . I was missing them being little while they’re still little.

Naturally, as in any middle of the night emotional crisis situation, I took to Google.

I typed in “sad my babies are growing up.” Surely this would make me feel better, or at least not so alone in my fretting. The phrase “anticipatory nostalgia” popped up under one of the article headings: “the feeling that makes us sad about our babies growing up while they’re growing up.” Bingo.

Now that I had a name for my feelings, how could I feel better? All I felt that night was heavy, unrelenting guilt. A steady stream of mental bashing followed: Why am I short-tempered with my family? Why don’t I spend more time doing Pinterest crafts? How could I have stayed home sick and missed my daughter in the church parade? A reel of movies played over and over in my head of the ways I thought I’d failed my kids, which only led to more heartache and more tears.

I vowed to start being more patient, more crafty, and the perfect mother immediately.

We all know how long that lasted. What’s the answer? Mothers are constantly told by others–typically complete strangers–“Enjoy these moments, because the days are long, but the years are short.” This statement does nothing but cause me anxiety every time someone says it to me. I want to shout back, “I’M TRYING!”

But how am I supposed to “cherish every moment” while playing homemaker, chef, maid, teacher, referee, schedule-keeper, appointment taker, booboo kisser, and all the while also trying to be a good wife and take care of my own needs?

In a nutshell, I decided the answer was presence. Since I don’t have the ability to stop time or rewind it, I’ve made a conscious effort to slow down. Do the dishes need to be done this second, or can I join my daughter in playing with play-doh? If my son hands me another book before bed, I can add those extra minutes to our time together. And a big one: putting down my phone.

Most of all, I need to stop demanding perfection out of myself.

I would never expect perfection out of anyone else; why would I expect that of myself? This is WAY easier said than done and is a daily battle with some days being better than others. Every time I ask my daughter what her favorite part of the day was, her answer always revolves around playing with mommy or daddy, taking walks together, bird watching, or something else so simple.

My kids don’t need Pinterest crafts, elaborate vacations, or daily outings. They need ME. Next time I want to beat myself up for missing an event or feel more anticipatory nostalgia creeping in, I can remind myself that I was present. I speak my love into them every day and celebrate new things they’ve accomplished. There will always be another milestone to look forward to, and I can cherish the memories we were so fortunate to spend together.

Being present means letting go of perfection. Stacy shares why we should all try to be a little more authentic in motherhood.

Friendships in Our Thirties: Finding Our Golden Girls

three female friends hugging and smiling

In my 20s, I thought I had life figured out. I had gotten engaged, bought our forever home, finished college, and was part of a crew that spent every moment together. We spent all our free time together. We would go to Canada on Thursdays, lunches between classes, grab drinks after work, and nurse hangovers together. No one cancelled plans and our friendships were our main priority.

three female friends hugging and smilingWe were naive and had expectations of friendships that were portrayed in television shows such as F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and Gossip Girl. Little did we know . . . that would change once we hit the big 3-0. Friendships in our thirties would be way different.

B.F.F. → Q.O.F.

As we get older, friendships change from quantity to quality. We might not have as many friends as before, and that’s okay. As long as you make plans a month in advance, and make it back home by 9:00 p.m., the ones that have stuck around are always down to meet up.

Unfortunately, the times I have received texts that say, “We should hang out!” have a ratio of being followed through of about 10:1. We all feel guilty when we feel a sigh of relief when our friend cancels and we can Netflix and chill. Sorry, 20-year-old me–that has a different meaning in my thirties. 

“Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You’re going to love it.”

In college and young adulthood, you typically live near your friends. When you graduate, start your career, get married, or have kids, it’s no longer the same. It seems like everyone’s calendars are filling up with other obligations. As we go through different decades in life, our interests change, and we choose a different life path from our friend circle. Will it be worth it to retain these friendships? Absolutely–but there might need to be more effort made to stay close.

My four core friends and I have been friends since high school. While we have different career and family circles, we make an effort to see each other once a month. However, we constantly send Tik Toks or memes to each other just to let the others know we still are there for them when needed. Even though life can be overwhelming at times, it’s nice to get a funny DM from someone that you know cares. 

“I can’t, my kid has practice, a game, or something.”

As a woman transitions through different life phases, they could feel a sense of loneliness, especially if they are the first from their core friend group to experience them. Being the first to get married and having children made my postpartum depression increase as I didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I wasn’t able to go to the bars with my friends like I used to, and I didn’t know anyone in our town that was in the baby stage–I felt lonely. I decided to put myself out there and joined a mom’s group that was on the island, where I met a great group of women.

As my boys grew up, meetups with friends started to look drastically different. Instead of meeting at the bars, we were meeting at library story times, playdates, hockey practices, games, and family outings. Even though I was going out with friends, I still wasn’t focusing on myself and creating meaningful friendships. Hell, it was all geared around our kids. I joined the local country club and then the golf league. The women I met on league had children at different ages, but we had one common interest–having a night out with a round of golf.

“Thirty, flirty, and thriving!”

Friendships in our thirties change–we go from having best friends forever to having only a handful of friends. We transition from putting our friendships first to now putting ourselves, our husbands, our careers, and our children first. While we may lose our B.F.F. we made in our twenties, we added casual friends in our thirties. These are friends that we share common interests with, love spending time with, but don’t go out of our way to ensure we see them frequently. There are few people that we consider as close friends–the ones that we seek advice from or call during a crisis. 

So, why do things change in a decade? In our thirties, we seek self-discovery and become pickier about who we surround ourselves with. When I hit 30, I remember feeling anxious and crying the night before. Now at 33, I feel a sense of confidence and self-fulfillment I didn’t feel in my twenties. I used to waste so much energy projecting others’ expectations of how I should act or who I should be. I realized that life isn’t a race and I am where I am supposed to be. 

“A friend may be waiting behind a stranger’s face.”

While making friends may be more challenging as we get older, it doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Try finding something that interests you and look for opportunities for meet-ups or communication. Below is a guide to help you start finding your new crew. 

  • Join clubs and groups that may interest you. Detroit Mom’s Community Groups are a great place to start. I enjoy reading and decided to start a book club in my area. Now we meet once a month to discuss books and socialize. You could also join a bible study or religious group that interests you.
  • Connect with other parents. Does your child play a sport? Start a conversation with someone on the bleachers and see where it can take you! My boys play hockey, and the friends we made through hockey have become like family. We even went on spring break together!
  • Join a gym class or sport. “Hey, hey, Peloton!” I enjoy riding my bike and have met many people in my community that I ride with. Put your name out there on your community page and see who responds! #Mrskncallis 
  • Get to know your co-workers. Say yes to drinks after work! It may surprise you when your co-worker becomes your next close friend. In the last year, my co-worker and I went from being acquaintances to close friends. Trust me, it makes for a fun work environment!

As we learned from Gossip Girl: “As much as a BFF can make you go WTF, there’s no denying we’d be a little less rich without them.” Dorothy to your Rose has been by your side through thick and thin, but it is important to remember that friendships evolve. Be excited about new friendships and mourn the loss of old friendships. While it may be more challenging to make new friends in your thirties, it is doable. Put yourself out there and you may realize that the new friendships you make in your thirties are more fulfilling and longer lasting.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned about friendship, it’s that the lessons we learn through them are so valuable. Megan shares about her “seasoned” mom friends and their importance in her life!

6 Simple Ways to Maintain Your Relationship After Having Kids

It’s no secret that kids add a whole new level of complexity to your relationship and finding ways to maintain it. Throw in one or two working parents and maintaining any semblance of cleanliness inside the home, and by bedtime, energy levels are probably depleted. The chaos of the day-to-day makes it difficult to prioritize yourself, let alone your partner.

Keep on reading for tips on what’s worked in our family to keep the love alive between us, too!

Simple Ways To Maintain Your Relationship

Communicate openly.

There’s never such a thing as over-communicating. One of our key mistakes as young parents was letting all the exhaustion and overwhelm build up. Once my partner and I started checking in with each other daily, things got easier, and I got less overwhelmed.

Create + share calendars.

We just started to use a chore calendar. Additionally, every time a kid has an appointment, I send my partner a calendar invite. We include who’s scheduled where, and which parent needs to take them.

Learn each other’s love languages.

The quiz is five minutes long, is taken online, and helps you understand how your partner best receives love. My love language is acts of service–when my partner does the dishes or the grocery shopping, or makes me coffee, it means much more than it does when he buys me a little gift!

Prioritize a date night every week.

This isn’t always realistic–especially leaving the house. My partner and I love to do at-home date nights once our kids are in bed. Some of our favorites have been making our own sushi, building poke bowls, grilling and sitting at the fire pit in the back yard, and doing a paint-by-number together. When we really have no energy, we typically find ourselves folding laundry with our phones on silent or binging a TV show together.

Remember the evening check-ins.

After our kids are in bed, we take five minutes to check in with each other. We find out what tomorrow looks like, ask how the other is feeling, and figure out if either of us need more support. If we do, we make a plan to make that happen.

And finally . . . ask for what you need.

Lastly, it sounds silly, but so many people (myself included) forget that this other person living in your home is your partner. They want to help you! They want to help their kids! If they don’t, there’s some sort of support they likely need from you, too. Asking for what you need makes it much more likely that you’ll get it. And, it will make you much more appreciative of your partner.

So, implement these changes to help maintain your relationship after you’ve had kids. The wisest piece of advice I have heard thus far is to remember why it is you loved your partner in the first place, and continue to foster that. It’s so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day life of raising a family. There have been times that my partner and I went almost a full week without even hugging! Since implementing these six steps above, it’s so much easier to appreciate him, our life, and how far we’ve grown together. Let us know if any of them work for your family!

A partnership means truly seeing the other person, too. Danielle shares how her husband’s medical emergency taught her to not take anything for granted in their marriage.

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