A lot of people have to manage significant stress when trying to make holiday plans that include everyone. I really want to understand it, but I struggle. I know this and I’m working on it. My blind spot in this area is because I have lived states away from most of my family since 2004, and away from any and all relatives since 2011 – none of it really by choice. It’s long been impossible to see both my family and my partner’s at the holidays as there are major road trips or flights required, so I accepted that and now plan accordingly.
I have a hard time empathizing with the struggle to fit in multiple visits with family who live within a couple hours of home, because… can’t you see them whenever? It seems that a lot of people wait until the major holidays to get together as a group, but there’s not actually a rule saying you have to do that. It’s hard and takes lots and lots of lead time, but you can arrange a family get-together any month of the year. Major holidays don’t have to be the only special times for families.
I know that for the most part it seems callous or mean that I take such a simplistic approach to the holiday visits issue, BUT I think it also gives me some helpful perspective. So here are some tips for juggling holiday visits, from someone who seldom sees their family for holidays.
Easy Tips for Juggling Holiday Visits
Open your mind (and your calendar).
Christmas doesn’t have to be on December 25th in order to be special. It doesn’t even have to be in December! Quality and quantity of time spent together have nothing to do with a date. Ask one or all of the family groups to consider celebrating on a different day, and maybe even take the actual holiday to rest at home. Have you considered Christmas in July?
Encourage relatives to grow their understanding.
No one limb of the family tree is entitled to all of the celebrating when multiple families are involved. If they have a hard time accepting that, force them to by…
- Enforcing boundaries that work for YOU! A lot of people want to please everyone, often at their own expense. Stop it. If the work exceeds the joy, change course because you’re missing the point.
- Split it up. Instead of running ragged for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, for example, allocate one holiday to each side of the family. To keep it fair, you can swap it every year.
- Consider virtual options. I know this is no one’s favorite, but at least they can’t say you didn’t try!
- Let them come to you. Why should you always bear the burden of travel? Host at home and invite all of the relatives you’re hoping to see (or who are hoping to see you). If they can make it, cool. If they can’t, they can’t. This can also be a great opportunity to blend families and ensure the sides get to know each other.
I know that I have the benefit of being a non-sentimental person. For me, seeing my mom on a random Tuesday in September when I really miss her or need help with her grandchild would mean loads more than seeing her on Christmas. I can take or leave a holiday, and will happily have family time whenever it’s available. My hope for you all is that you’ll be able to create systems that work for your family to keep the holidays happy!
