Parenting on the Spectrum
Everyone said he just needed more social interaction. I had him in weekly playgroups, I scheduled play dates, I babysat for neighbor kids. How much more social interaction can you get? I even enrolled him in 3 yr old preschool which, since I am a former teacher, I hadn’t planned to do.
I began to believe it, too. I believed that because he was a single child he hadn’t learned naturally about social constructs. I wanted to believe it because then it wouldn’t mean something else. Then it wouldn’t mean Aspergers or whats now grouped under the label Autism Spectrum Disorder. But I knew.
In my mommy gut I knew that when this tiny human came into the world nearly a month early and sideways that he would forever do things in his own special way and on his own terms.
My sweet boy recently entered the “double-digits”, as he calls it, and it hit me hard. As I took a look back at how far we’ve both come I experienced ALL the emotions I’ve ever felt as a mother.
As an infant I felt he wasn’t a typical baby. I read all the books, he didn’t fit. I wore a path from home to the pediatricians office and back and was told I have a “hyper-sensitive” baby. Tell me something I didn’t know! Like how to calm his relentless crying, or get him to sleep, or soothe his fears of everything.
Friends and family had loads of advice. I was told repeatedly to “just make him” do whatever it was that caused his anxiety. “He’ll get over it if he doesn’t have a choice,” they’d say. I was made to feel like it was all my fault. As if I’d coddled him too much.
They just didn’t get it. They weren’t the ones calming his irrational fears into the wee hours. Where were they as we sang the same song over and over in order to drown out the loud fireworks that made his entire body shake with terror? Rain, dirt on his hands, wind, the sheer horror of public restrooms and their sonic boom flushes and hand dryers, the daily struggle with socks and shoes, the 30 minutes of bouncing required at every single bedtime, the rush to get home before dark because the passing street lights were too much stimulation. I made all these things his reality by coddling him too much? No. No, I did not. However, I felt I’d failed him somehow because they said I had.
I no longer feel that way. In time I learned to follow HIS cues. In time we created a good system. I wrote everything down. It felt like assembling pieces to a puzzle that I’d lost the box for.
There were so many ways my boy was not the average boy.
- He never climbed or jumped off the furniture (not that I minded).
- He was, and is still, overly cautious.
- He takes little risks but LOVES to create experiments – mostly in the bathroom, with all the soap, and all the toothpaste, and water. So much water.
- He’s never confrontational but requires details.
- When he’s asked to do something he wants to know why, a challenge in school for sure, where he’s expected to follow blindly.
- At home we explain our expectations and he’s better able to carry out the request, especially when breaking our normal routine.
I’ll admit there have been times I wanted to shout BECAUSE I SAID SO! (Okay well, I may have actually done that a few times with terribly sad results.) He flinches at loud voices. It breaks my heart when I know I’ve caused that flinch.
Everything in our lives is regimented. Scheduled. Routine. A 15 minute deviation in the bedtime routine will most assuredly result in a 2 am wake up call. We probably average 3 wake up nights per week. It’s rough on us all. As he gets older some things have gotten easier, or at least more manageable. I volunteer for every class party, every event or situation that may trigger him so I can hopefully help to diffuse it or take him out if it’s all too much.
We have a delicate balance. I push when I feel he’s ready and I back off when he’s had enough. I will always advocate for my child and I will always worry about how the world will treat him. He doesn’t always understand innuendo or figures of speech. He takes everything literally and straight to heart. It’s something we’re currently working on. But he loves. He loves deeply and completely. So if he’s let you know he loves you, you’d better believe it!
Motherhood is hard. We do our best when we listen to what our children need instead of what others may think they need.
Are you Parenting on the Spectrum?
