The holidays are quickly approaching. For many of us, that will mean Rockwellian gatherings with family passing potatoes and exchanging warm banter. For others, it will be more like an episode of Jerry Springer, passing judgements and exchanging insults. If your gatherings tend toward the latter, there are a few strategies you can use to avoid family drama this holiday season.
Many families include people with differing religious, political, and/or social views. Undoubtedly, the growing tensions in these areas over the last few years have added fuel to the fire of any already existing differences.
Before getting into these suggestions for how to avoid family drama this holiday season, I want to clarify that this article is not in support of any particular religious, political, and/or social viewpoint. It only seeks to “keep the peace” both in terms of your group dynamic and your personal mental health. So, let’s get started.
1. Leave it at the door.
The first option I ask you to consider is to leave any comments, opinions, etc. that are likely to cause conflict at the door. This is something that can be done in a personal capacity, or agreed to by a group. If you choose the personal route, it is relatively simple. All you have to do is avoid bringing up any topic that is likely to cause conflict. If someone else brings up one of these topics, you can politely change the subject. In a difficult situation, you can always excuse yourself to make a pretend phone call or feign needing to use the restroom.
For the group option, everyone should be notified in advance that certain topics are off-limits. If someone cannot agree to this, they should consider staying home. Some people might find this offensive, but you can’t make an omelet without cracking a few eggs and you can’t have a conflict-free gathering without a little suppressed frustration. In the event a forbidden topic comes up, the group must agree to gracefully move on without any hard feelings.
There are a few drawbacks to this approach; for starters, it requires immense patience and self-control. Additionally, there are certain issues or topics that are less a theoretical debate and more a part of a person’s identity. Something that is a topic of conversation to one person might be an issue that directly impacts someone else or something they feel so passionately about that it is impossible to leave these topics at the door.
2. Set a boundary.
If you are familiar with Dr. Becky, you might know that a boundary is focused on what YOU will do and doesn’t require the other party to do anything. Dr. Becky mostly talks about boundaries in terms of children. Likewise, this principle can be extended to other scenarios like navigating the holidays with family. There are a few steps involved in setting successful boundaries: set a clear boundary, communicate your boundary, and then maintain the boundary.
Here are some examples showing how this process can work:
You want to go to your mother’s for dinner but have to leave at 8:00 p.m. to get your kids to bed.
In order to set this boundary, you make the decision ahead of time to leave at 8:00 p.m. This is regardless of external factors like what other guests are doing, or when dinner is served. You would communicate this to your mother ahead of time and at 8:00 p.m., you would head out.
You are hosting a dinner party for adults only, even though some of the invited guests have kids.
With the invitation, you would clearly articulate that the gathering is for adults only. If someone asked about bringing their kids, you would simply reiterate the boundary.
Like “leaving it at the door,” setting boundaries sometimes requires a lot of patience and self-control. But setting, communicating, and respecting boundaries can help avoid unnecessary conflict. A boundary can come in many varieties and in the case of the holidays, your boundary might even include to not attend an event or not invite someone to your gathering.
3. Give and take.
Both of the suggestions above focus on the scenario where you are the party taking action. But what if you are on the receiving end of a boundary or request to avoid certain topics of conversation? It might feel offensive or like a personal attack.
Keep in mind that someone making a request or setting a boundary likely wants to spend time with you. Simultaneously, they are trying to maintain group or personal peace. Try not to take it personally and decide if honoring their request or boundary is something you can do without compromising your own needs.
Navigating family dynamics can be tricky. A little forethought, planning, and communication can go a long way toward helping you to avoid family drama this holiday season.
